28 july 2008 [earliest clear bright happy day]

Los Angeles, California, Self

10:45am 1/4 gallon Arrowhead Mountain Spring Water, 1:37pm one can Lindsay Medium Pitted Olives with juice, 1:39pm mood fine body feeling even and light, 1:48pm not anxious not unmotivated not especially interested in work, 2:03pm 1/3 liter evian Natural Spring Water, 2:22 pm banana, 3:21pm partially liquid shit odorless non-painful, 4:58pm hungry, 4:49pm glass of water, 5:48pm hungry, 6:03pm Nissin Cup Noodles, 6:23pm excited and stressed thinking about plasticmouth, 6:58pm mildly stressed about Pragmatic, 7:21pm excited about the possibilities of plasticmouth this could be big, 7:51pm a little tired a little hungry, 8:27pm a little hungry a little stressed, 8:40pm piss, 8:57pm somewhat panicked and regretful thoughts about my self-destructive and otherwise destructive activities, 8:58pm two slices of bread, 9:14pm one slice of bread one glass of water, 9:54pm thoughts of simplicity of loving things like rallyburgers drunk on wine in dayton, of times so lonely in los angeles that I took refuge in the comfort of drug dealers, not just for their poison but for their supposed friendship, and friendship true, in certain ways, eloquently expressed by me, names and specifics removed, on my web site, though those reflections are true, I see the need to never be that lonely again, and though LA for me is a faroff place, or was, or is, because of my impressions of it (it’s not like I have any more or better active friends in Dayton), but Dayton teases me with remembrances of its ease, I don’t know if I went there now if I could find it comforting at all, the last time I was there I swore I would never go there again, I’ll have a chance soon to see it again for my sister’s wedding, having been away I think it’s smallness would not bother me so much, perhaps, perhaps it would, but I think there is a certain part of me that has had some satisfaction in spending time in New York and LA since my long stint in such a small place, I’m not proposing that I return, but if I did I think I would do it better, think I would be able to live there with more happiness than I lived there before, I want to be free to go from place to place, to live in several places, I want to be more fruitful financially so that places hold less demand of me, that I can be here or there to a greater degree with more freedom, there is something in me that is so nostalgic for a Dayton, remembering I am not there, and my nostalgia may be as hollow as memories of a specific time, I miss particular apartments and particular times I had, and while I’m wary of trying to recreate the past, it has elements I mourn, and, in reason, it doesn’t seem that one needs to avoid re-encountering all elements of one’s past, if I liked drinking wine on the tenth floor apartment I had in Dayton, going out late for mushroom burgers at Rally’s, then that’s something, while I warn myself against efforts of recreating the specifics of the past, there are elements in it that are worth paying attention to, what I liked about that was its quiet simplicity, I was single, had a comfortable, plain place to myself, where I could cook eggs in a wonderful and tiny kitchen, enjoy the quiet and a view of the sky when I woke, my job was alternately tolerable and unbearable, I felt, as I often do, that I was going nowhere in my career, I felt, as I often do, alone among my coworkers, as though they and I were made of completely different stuff, I put so fine a point on it, with others and in my own mind, that conflicts arose, I am happy I changed from that time, because I have appreciated having the experiences I have had since then, many of them, but the pressure, or maybe it’s just my own mind and times, but I think the pressure then was less, I was not in massive debt from film school and hospitalizations due to drug abuse (a hard thing for me to even be frank about with myself until the last few days), also, though, I had seen less than I had seen now, less of the film business, less of the software business, less of people, less of myself, and of less age and learning I was less able than I may be now to take it easy, I am now not 100% sure that directing movies must occur in my life, I am also more sure than ever that I could do it, but also, with more knowledge, less certain of the path I would have to take to get there, I felt such a romanticism before visiting Tatiara in New Orleans, but knew I would not stay there, I went to Tucson this most recent time resigned to a period very like what happened, I went there because I knew I couldn’t make a straight transition to LA and I wanted to be somewhere where I could be homeless and live outside because of its weather, and that’s what happened, what should I plan for now?, the things I miss the most are food and people, simple things like the place I lived, I miss eating at Uno’s in Dayton, I miss, to a lesser degree, eating at Bridget Foy’s on South Street, restaurants are the places I like to become fixed within, imagine I could work at LexisNexis and live in Dayton, rent a reasonably nice apartment and enjoy the smallness of it all, get carryout from Uno’s three times a week, play video games, read, watch movies at home, things have changes since I lived there last, more movies are available more easily through the internet, Dayton is so dead and so distasteful to me in so many ways, LA is so difficult-seeming to me partially due to the geographical dispersion, even when I’ve had a car, it’s tiresome to drive so far so often, there is much here, and there are beautiful vistas for those who have succeeded here, there is also so much difficulty here, has been and continues to be for me, New York is also difficult, but at least I can walk there, I enjoy that a little better on the day-to-day I think: I remember at least, wandering the city, meeting that cute Russian girl Victoria, eating at Uno’s, riding the subway, the crowdedness there gets to me, I like space to myself from time to time, but I love the elbow-rubbing, there’s no place there where I can feel like I get away, but in terms of being part of activity, and having cultural opportunities, I like it, I am always nostalgic for places, though, and, truly, at 30, I don’t need to have settled on a place to live, or a person to marry, or even a career, not to be flip, not to seek chaos, but, it is right for me to be fluid still, feeling more settled after reflection, slightly tired, I was lonely in New York too

Nothing, in a good way

Dream, Los Angeles, California, Love, Self, Starred

I have nothing to tell right now. I am far from the mark of where I want to be, and I’m making steady moves toward my mark. I don’t hate, I am not in love, but I do love, I love what I do, I love how I am, I love living in the world. I’m peaceful; I am not calm. I am reading as much as possible, on new subjects. I can feel the springtime coming. My dreams are full of movement, skates, hills, wind, and a dangerous sea.