Pussy be rampant. They be so much pussy at this school they has to haul in dicks from out of town just to fuck it all. The female-to-male ratio be something like three to one. On weekends, guys be drivin’ in from Youngstown, Abilene, as far away as Dexter.
Girls want dick. They is drooling for it. Eighteen-year-old hunnies with nothing better to do than spread and get a hot spike in they cooch.
School is just a pretense. No one care about classes or grades. In class we get our dicks sucked while the prof is doin’ his thing. I once came in this girl Jenny’s hair while she sucked me off in Intro to Philosophy 101.
The main way to get pussy be in the club. Get a bitch drunk, go to her place, fuck her. She wake up in the morning like what the hell happened to me, her cooch aching like she had a rolling pin up there. She ask her girlfriends, and they be like, “You remember that one guy? You took him home.” Then you fuck her friends.
Bitches love dick. They is no question about it. Some bitches pretend they ain’t into all that—but they is. Trust me, they is.
I met this one bitch, she likes to have two dicks inside her at once. She told me this when I was fucking her. So me and my buddy James fucked her. Two dicks in her pussy at the same time! That girl had a big cooch.
Sometimes I like to bring a gun with me to a girl’s house and stick that in her when she’s passed out. With the bullets in it and everything. I like to think about what would happen if I pulled the trigger, that bullet would go up through her pussy and through her cervix and up through her baby-making pouch and then through her lungs and out her head. I want to cum like that, through a bitch’s head.
I like to cum in a bitch’s mouth when she asleep. Get her nice and stoned and then get on top of that bitch like I’m ridin’ a zebra. Then stick my dick in her mouth and rub it against her gums. I like when a bitch has good dental work. You can get off just by rubbing on her cheeks. A bitch’s tongue rolls back when she’s passed out. But the inside of a bitch’s cheeks is soft as hell. You can cum there.
When a bitch is passed out, you have to hold her down a bit because she’s not completely passed out. Somewhere, below the twelve Jägermeisters, that bitch is still awake. She got certain reflexes intact. She can still kick your nuts when you’re on top of her. So you grab her neck and choke that bitch a little. Her eyes will go gray. Then you know you got her ready for some prime, prime fucking.
Bitches love fucking. Some act like they don’t, but those are the ones that need it the most. Quiet ones. The friend of the friend with the librarian glasses. She’s fantasizing about me giving it to her from the first moment she sees me. You know she is. She goes home and jerks off that little cunt thinkin’ about my cock sliding into her and ticklin’ her inside parts. The cute librarian ones need it the most.
I once met this girl who didn’t want me. She acted like she didn’t. I got her drunk and fucked her with my gun in her mouth.
But mostly they easy going. They want you to come over. That’s one rule. Never bring a bitch to your place. Always go to hers. You don’t want that bitch tracking you down. Plus that’s part of the thing: you want to cum on her sheets, let her pussy juice make a wet spot in her bed. It helps me get off when I’m in the girl’s bed.
I usually like to steal a girl’s panties. I keep ’em in a jar, squished down real tight, as a reminder of all the places I’ve been. I keep ’em on my desk, as an example to less fortunate males. Males who don’t get pussy. Males who are into “relationships.”
Some males think that females are out of they reach. They do they pathetic little to reach them. They text. They call. They play out the little games they mother taught ’em and hope that will get ’em laid.
There are only two ways to get laid: get her drunk or have her like you. The first is foolproof whereas the second is hit or miss. If you wait around for a girl to like you, you could be waitin’ a long time. When you get a bitch drunk, results are immediate.
You go out with your boys, looking sharp in a nice shirt or something. Hair slicked back, plenty of product. (Bitches like product.) You select a nice club preferably on State Street. Then you sit back and wait. The bitches will be on you like peanut butter on jelly. When they dance, you might be tempted to go to them. But don’t. Bitches like when you stay put. You watch them dance. You check out the way they move. You think: is this the kind of bitch who is likely to have a live pussy? Is she likely to be too stuck up? Too resistant to force? Does she have mace? Watch the warning signs. A bitch who thinks too much is likely to have friends who think too much. You want an academic bitch, no doubt—where’s the fun in fucking a dotard? You want a bitch in high-level classes but who likes to drink like your uncle. A bitch who likes to party too much for her own good. A bad bitch. A bitch who likes to get in trouble.
The best is a submissive bitch. Who sucks your dick as soon as you in the dorm room, kneelin’ on the floor and shit. Fuck, I love when a bitch sucks my balls. Because you know they don’t want to do that shit. But the fact that they’ll do it anyway, with all that hair in they mouth..well..some bitches are truly desperate for cock, what can I say?
I tells you about a girl named Mary. Mary be’s a freshman, she has they librarian glasses and everything. True scholar. I mean seriously, she was like a Rhodes Scholar or something. Biology major. About 5’2″. Big-ass titties. Mary comes up to me in the dorm. Asks me if I’ll lick her pussy. I said, Mary, you know I’m not going to lick your pussy. She says Why not. I say, Because, I can smell your nasty pussy from here and I don’t lick stinky pussy. She says she’ll wash it, and come back, and will I lick her pussy. So I said, Ok, you wash it, and I’ll meet you in your room in half an hour. So half an hour passes. I peruse some porn I have on my computer to try and get in the mood—nothing special, just some video of a woman getting fucked by a horse. Then I go up to Mary’s room. Knock on the door. She answers in some sort of nineteenth-century neglige, like we’re going to make love or something. I said Mary this isn’t that kind of party. Then I pull out my gun. I put it in her face and I say, “Get down on your knees and suck my cock.” She says, “Is this a joke?” And I say, “No, do you wanna get shot in the head?” So she sucks my cock. I get hard. Then I say, “Mary, get on your stomach on the floor, I’m gonna fuck your ass. Have you ever been fucked in the ass before?” She says no. I say, “Well, you’re gonna like this. Just like opening presents on Christmas morning. Don’t scream too loud or I’ll shoot you in the fucking head, understood?” That’s my story about Mary.
Mary I fucked in the ass. But I’m almost exclusively a pussy man. Ass fucking is more of a novelty to me, something to do when you don’t even respect a girl enough to fuck her cunt. I like a pussy that’s nice and clean, no hair, though I’ll fuck a hairy pussy—in a pinch. I prefer big pussy lips, no roast beef, nice and tight and plenty of moisture on the inside but no drips. Keep that shit to yourself, you don’t need to be flowing all out on the sheets and shit.
I like to spank a pussy with a fly swatter, to fatten it up before I fuck it. Get that pussy red with some hard spanks. Then spit on my hand, stick my fingers inside it, then come in with the dick, spreadin’ those lips with my dickhead, then sweet, sweet fucking.
You might disagree with my style of fucking. For instance, you might prefer the girl to be awake. But I prefer ’em passed out, high on Jägermeister, with their legs spread and my gun in their mouth, finger on the trigger so that I could accidentally shoot them through the skull in a moment of passion. I like to hold back a little, stop a few times right before I cum so the cum builds up and shoots up into they cervix like a bullet, just like a bullet from a gun.
Fucking is good. I know a lot about fucking. You could say I’m sort of a specialist. When it comes to smacking a pussy with a fly swatter, those are just some of the tricks I can teach you. I know a lot of tricks, and someday maybe I can tell you about those, but to tell you the truth my favorite trick is getting a girl to fuck me when she really don’t want to.
I was going to see my boy. My man’s name is Sherman. We call him Tic Toc because that’s how he is with the ladies..it’s only a matter of time, see? Only a matter of time before he gets in they sweet panties.
My man was up in the joint sipping pumpkin lattes. Girls like that. Shows your sensitive side. Neither me or Sherman liked pumpkin lattes, but you do what you gotta do, know what I’m sayin’?
I came in through the side door. “Whassup?”
“My man. Tic Toc. What are you up to?”
“Drinking your pumpkin latte.” I smile.
Tic Toc lifts his cup.
I sit on the couch across from him. Start scopin’ out the hunnies. Couple of potentials over by the front door. I turn around. Sly hunny at the counter, ordering her drink. Short skirt. Some bumpage on the legs but that can be fixed with any number of skin creams. Sometimes you have to fix a bitch up before you fuck her.
“So listen.” That was Sherman talking. Didn’t he see I was checking out the hunnies?
“Shut up,” I say. Then I whisper, “Shut your fucking mouth.”
That bitch at the bar was looking around. Here she comes..here she comes..no.
I turn around to Sherman. “You know what I want to do to that bitch?”
“Check out the fly hunny at the bar.” I point my finger.
Sherman’s eyes brighten.
“You like her?”
“Well here’s what I’m gonna do to her. First I’m gonna eat that bitch out. Get her real horny.”
“Where are you gonna do this?”
“In the bathroom. Shut up. So I’m gonna get her in the stall back there. Lock the door. Get that bitch all up on the toilet with her legs spread and eat that bitch out—”
“Why do you like eatin’ bitches out so much?”
“I like..to eat a bitch out..because it gets the bitch horny. That way they don’t mind when you stick your dick in them. Especially when you stick it in their ass.”
“Why you want to stick it in they ass?”
“I don’t. I do it for my health. Have you ever ass fucked a girl, Sherman?”
Sherman is silent. Then he says, “No.”
“Well. First of all use a condom. And never ass fuck a bitch when she has diarrhea.”
“How does you know if she has diarrhea?”
“Tic Toc. Sherman. Do you want to hear my story? You only ass fuck a bitch when she doesn’t have diarrhea and you know she doesn’t have diarrhea because you clock what the bitch eats.”
“How do you clock what the bitch eats?”
“What do you think I be doin’ in the cafeteria? Why do you think we be sittin’ close to where the fly hunnies sit? Do you see the notebook I be carryin’ around with me? What do you think is in that? My chemistry homework? No. That’s records, my man. Of everything a bitch eats. Stay away from bitches who eat citrus, or bitches who smoke, as that can cause diarrhea. You want a bitch who eats yogurt with every meal. Stay away from vegans—their farts stink. Have you ever smelled a vegan’s farts?”
“Well try it sometime.”
I look over at that bad-skin bitch who was at the counter. She’s going out the side door.
“I didn’t want her anyway.”
“What was you gonna do to her?”
“After I ate that bitch’s pussy out?” I say this real loud, by accident, and some hunnies behind Sherman look over. “What are you lookin’ at?”
They turn back around.
“Mind your own fucking business,” I say. “So after I ate that bitch’s pussy out,” I say extra loud, “I was gonna thump her in the mouth with my fat cock. Slap that bitch till she has marks on her face. Get that bitch’s face real red then cum in her mouth. Then make her spit my cum in the toilet between her legs and then THROW that bitch out of the bathroom. Nasty bitch. Shouldn’t be drinkin’ pumpkin lattes in the first place.”
The girls behind Sherman are starting to look our way again.
“Any bitch who drinks pumpkin spice lattes is asking to get fucked in the mouth. Have you ever met a bitch who drank pumpkin spice lattes who didn’t deserve to get fucked in the mouth?”
I wait for Sherman’s answer.
“Sherman. Take a look behind you and tell me whether you think these freshman bitches up in this piece deserve to get fucked in the mouth.”
Sherman turns around.
One of the girls behind him looks directly at me. The rest keep their heads down.
“What are you lookin’ at?” I stand up.
She keeps looking at me, this sweet-looking face with lipstick. She looks like a bitch that probably keeps a ferret as a pet. English major, something in the humanities. Probably a virgin.
“Do you let your ferret lick your ass?” I say.
“Do you let that pet ferret of yours lick your asshole?”
“I don’t have a pet ferret.”
“‘Cause you look like a bitch with a ferret.”
She turns away from me. I can only see her boobies from the side now. She and her friends are talking low. One of her friends is packing up her books.
“No,” the girl says. “We’re staying.”
She puts a hand on her friend’s book, flattening it on the table. Then she looks at me. She gives me a look of such disgust my dick starts to get hard.
I sit down. Sherman and I shake our heads.
“Bitches,” he says.
We lean in together, heads above the table between us.
Sherman says, “I’m gettin’ into some trouble up at Bruno’s later on, you wanna come.”
I smile. “What kind of trouble you getting into?”
“Well,” Sherman says, “Macro knows this bitch from his polisci class that wants to fuck him, so I’m going up there to be his wingman.”
“If she already wants to fuck him, why does he need a wingman?”
“She doesn’t know she wants to fuck him.”
“He’s taking me..so it won’t be awkward. So he’s not like alone going to a bar.”
“You could come along and be my wingman.”
“Is this bitch hot?”
“I’ve never seen her.”
“Well is they hot bitches at Bruno’s?”
At this point that little defiant bitch at the next table looks over at me and doesn’t break eye contact. Do you believe that shit? I wish I had my gun. Pop that bitch dead and go on with my conversation.
She says, “Would you mind keeping it down?”
I breathe out, trying to calm myself. I say, “What’s your name?”
“I ain’t tellin’ you my name.”
“Well..whatever your name is..why don’t you mind your own FUCKING BUSINESS?”
At this point she gets up and goes to the manager. I see her pointing over at me and Sherman’s table and her sweet forehead looking all concerned.
“That bitch just ratted us out,” Sherman says.
Then the manager comes over. I give him a real sweet look, like the look of an angel.
“I’m gonna have to ask you to keep it down.”
“Uh, officer,” I say, “I swear I didn’t see the sign.”
“Still, this is a study bar, so I need you to respect the environment.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize this was a study bar.”
He just stands there.
“Are people required to study, I mean is that like an imperative?”
“We like to keep a study atmosphere.”
“So you don’t mind if I sit here and not study, minding my own business with my man here, drinking pumpkin spiced lattes?”
“Actually, you’re not drinking anything, and since you haven’t ordered I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“I’ll get something. Oh, I’ll get something. I’ll get something, I was just talking with my man here.”
“Well you’re talking too loud.”
“Duly noted, my brotha. We will not speak loud in The Establishment. Now let’s go up there and take care of that pumpkin latte problem.”
He looks at me like he doesn’t like my particular flavor of the language, but he goes, and I follow. I get my pumpkin spiced latte and I get henceforth back to my seat.
The girl has her head in her books. She’s pretending to study. She’s thinking about me. I’m the kind of guy a girl has trouble getting out of her head. Because she knows I’m bad. And she knows I’ll be bad for her. But she can feel me, in her panties, from the moment she meets me. I make her wet, I make her want to fuck. When a girl meets me she’ll be rushing for fresh panties five times a day.
“Ok,” I say.
“I’ll go with you tonight. To Bruno’s.”
“Don’t be draggin’ me to no sausage bar.”
“There’s girls, don’t worry.”
“Do you guarantee it?”
Sherman sips his latte.
“I want a guarantee. In blood, preferably. I want you to guarantee that there will be pussy coming out the walls of this bar you’re taking me to. Don’t make me walk your ass home. I want to be fishing out tampons of bleeding bitches and sucking on those motherfuckers with my teeth.”
Sherman looks at me.
“I’m serious. I want some studious freshman pussy with red lipstick begging to give it up.” I’m looking at the freshman girl. “There better be bitches so tight I can’t even get my little finger up in that motherfucker.”
The freshman girl turns around. She’s burning into me with these hateful eyes. “You’re revolting,” she says.
And that’s when I fell in love.
It was a while longer before I again saw Little Miss Defiance. She had to do her things and I had to do mine before we were to meet the second time. While she was masturbating to my image and sticking all manner of vegetables into her pussy, I was hanging with my boys, Tic Toc and Macrobiotik. We were at Bruno’s.
“Is this it?”
Macrobiotik looked at me. “What do you mean, is this it?”
“Sherman, you promised me this wouldn’t be a sausage fest.”
“It isn’t.” Sherman motions toward the dance floor. “There’s like..a seven-to-one ratio out there.”
“Yes, but all those bitches are sasquatches. Sasquatches don’t count.”
“Show me one sasquatch.”
I point to a very large girl with hairy armpits. “Sasquatch.”
“Just ’cause there’s one sasquatch doesn’t mean they’re all sasquatches.”
“Yes it does. They infect. I’m going to take a piss.”
I get up. I can see those motherfuckers later. Dragging me to this hellhole..sasquatch-breeding motherfucker. Bruno’s huh? I think Bruno has a pink dildo up his ass.
I go down this long hallway leading to the bathroom. There’s a guy and a girl making out. He’s this academic-looking type, and she has on fishnets, is slightly taller than him, and has a purse slung from her shoulder. It’s open. As I walk by I look in the purse and it’s littered with condoms.
I say, “What’s up?”
They both kind of turn and look at me.
“I said what’s up, baby?” I do this little motion with my hands that’s designed to make a bitch go crazy.
The guy is looking at me like he’s really angry.
I say, “Tell your man to stop looking at me.”
The guy says, “Just leave us alone, ok?”
I keep my eyes on the girl. “Tell that motherfucker to stop looking at me.”
She puts her hands on his cheeks and turns his head to her. “Stop looking at him.” He turns and they’re looking each other in the eyes.
“What’s your boy’s name?”
“He fuck you in the ass?”
She doesn’t say anything. I’m looking at her body. She’s got fly legs. Fly tits. And a fly-ass face.
“Francis, what do you think you’re doing with a girl like that? You can’t handle her.”
“And you could?” the girl says.
“Yeah,” I say, and smile. “What kind of tampons you use, bitch? Kotex? Playtex?”
“Let’s go,” the guy says.
But I flash my gun.
“I wouldn’t do that,” I say.
“I use OB alright.”
“Super protection? Extra glide?”
“Don’t answer that,” Francis says.
I put my gun to his head. “Let her answer.”
“Extra smalls,” she says.
“Extra smalls?” I start to get hard. “What dorm you live in?”
“Don’t tell him.”
“Francis, do you want to get shot in the head?”
“Crawford. I live in Crawford.”
“Good. You two can go. Be good and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, ok, Francis?”
Then this bitch says, “Don’t you want to know the room number?”
“Why, do you want me to know it?”
Francis says, “Let’s go.”
“Do you want me to come and visit you at night? I can suck the blood off those extra smalls and stick my dick in your extra-small pussy. Francis, would that be ok with you?”
The girl says, “Just let us go.”
“No I’d like to hear him say it. Would it be ok with you, Francis, if I snag your girlfriend’s small-size fishnet cunt and drop a load in it?”
“Yes, it’s fine, can we go now?”
You can tell by the look on fishnet’s face that she’s not happy.
Francis says, “What?”
“You’d let him drop a load in my pussy?”
“I wouldn’t really let him drop a load in your pussy, I just want him to get the gun out of my face and let us go on with our evening.”
“I’m gonna let you do that, Francis. But I want you to promise me one thing. When you’re fucking this bitch, I want you to know that I’m there somewhere, over your shoulder maybe, waiting to take over when little miss fishnet here gets tired of your pencil dick. Ok. Go on. Go on! I’m trying to take a piss here! Get the fuck out of my face.”
And, gun in hand, I unzip right there and take a piss in the hallway.
On the way back to the bar, this Poindexter-looking dude sees me and he sees the pile of piss. I give him this hard look and he just keeps going. “Thought so,” I say.
It’s just Tic Toc, sitting alone.
“Where is Macro?”
“Dancefloor,” Sherman nods.
I look to the dancefloor. Indeed there is Macrobiotik, dancing with some average-looking girl.
“Is that the girl from his polisci?”
“That’s the girl from his polisci.”
“That’s the reason we came out here?”
“Sherman. Tic Toc. What the fuck. We gotta get out of here.”
“‘Cause I flashed my piece.”
Sherman turns. “What?”
“There was this fishnet girl with this gentleman named Francis. Francis is, shall we say, a cake boy. Francis has no right being with this piece of hotness. And then there’s me. I found out where she lives. She wears extra-small tampons, super protection.”
“What does that have to do with you flashing your piece?”
“They were actin’ up.”
“Well we have to leave this bar.”
“That’s what I’m sayin’.”
“Before the police get here.”
“I’ll get Macro.”
So Sherman heads over to ye olde dancefloor and tugs on Macro’s shirt. I see them arguing and Macro’s girl looks unhappy so I figure it’ll be a while. I turn to the bar to order a shot.
“I’ll have the gunslinger’s special.” I laugh. “That’s a special..for gunslingers—”
“There’s no guns allowed in the bar.”
“I know that, I was just saying—”
“What are you having? I don’t have all night.”
“A cup of Goldschläger.”
“You can have a shot.” The bartender leaves.
I’m tapping my hands on the bar and Sherman and Macro and Macro’s girl come up behind me.
“So let’s get outta here.”
“I’m having a drink.”
“We’re leaving because of you. Skip your drink.”
“I already paid.”
“No you didn’t.”
The bartender comes back. He tells me the price and I put it on my card.
“Can’t you pay with cash so we can get out of here?”
“I never carry cash.”
“What kind of policy is that? You never carry cash? Psychopath.”
“Thank you,” I say.
“Why do we have to leave?” Macro’s girl says.
“Because I’ve been a bad bad boy.”
“What did you do that’s bad?”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it,” I say.
Macro puts his arm around the girl.
“Macro, what the fuck is this bitch’s name?” I say.
Sherman says, “Drink your drink.”
“I’ll drink it..in a minute. I don’t like to be around a bitch and not know the bitch’s name. ‘Specially if the bitch is the bitch of a friend of mine.”
“Nice to meet you, Kelly.”
And I do my shot. Then I sign my name on the credit card receipt with a scrawl that in no way resembles my signature.
Outside, the four of us walk down State Street. There are many hunnies, bitches, and hoes, as well as a few vixens, some foxes, and an intolerable number of dykes walking hand in hand and flaunting everywhere that they had released themselves from their dangerous dependency on dick. When dykes pass I think of how tight their pussies must have become after such a long vacation from dick, or in some cases a complete lack of dickly intruders. To turn a dyke is the ultimate accomplishment for a straight guy. Or, let’s just say it is one of the ultimate accomplishments, for their are many ultimate accomplishments.
“So, Kelly, when you suck Macro’s dick does he precum a lot?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“Because I’m concerned about my man here. He’s showing a lack of progress, academically. All he wants from you is your polisci notes.”
“Is that right?”
“That’s right.” I smile at Macro. “Now about this precum.”
“Why are you always so interested in everybody’s sex life?” Sherman asks.
“Because it’s my specialty.” Duh.
We walk a while, and I think the subject is dropped. But then Kelly says, “I haven’t sucked his dick yet.” And she looks at Macro.
I felt like a proud mother, hearing this “yet.” Knowing Macrobiotik sperm would be lodging themselves between the teeth of this average-looking girl as she gulped down his cock. I mean, hey, if he wanted to date down with this mutt-looking girl Kelly, she better be sucking his cock. “She better be sucking his cock hard,” I say.
And everybody looks at me for saying that.
“Me, I like a girl with a pretty face. Like that girl we met at the coffeehouse this morning. Wasn’t she pretty, Sherman?”
“If you like mice.”
“Mice? You think the looked mousy? She wasn’t mousy, you just like a long face, Ticky Toc, where I like a round one. She had a round face, it wasn’t mousy. If by mouse you mean she had a small pussy, then I bet you’re right. I bet that girl’s pussy is just as defiant as she was. She was like holding her fist up in the air in protest.”
“She wasn’t holding her fist up.”
“But it was like she was holding her fist up. Like she was Che Guevara and I was the Cuban emperor.”
“Uh, dude, Cuba doesn’t have an emperor.”
“Shut up, nigga.”
“Can you not say the n word?” That was Kelly.
I stop walking. Then everybody else stops walking.
“What? I just don’t like that word.”
I look at Macro. Then I look at Kelly. I pull out my gun. “Why don’t you shut the fuck up, bitch.”
“Put your gun away man.”
“Yeah, put it away.”
“Macro, watch yourself.”
“You’re going to get us arrested.”
“No one’s going to get arrested. I’ve got a permit to carry this. Stop making a big deal.”
“It is a big deal.”
“What? Were you going to say something?”
“Yeah. Just. Stick to what you know, man.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you don’t know shit about firearms. I had to take a weapons safety training course to get this permit. So I know shit about firearms.”
“Just keep it away, man.”
“Just watch your mouth, Macro, or I’ll thump your girl.”
“You ain’t gonna thump shit.”
“Macro, you’re pissing me off. If I wanna thump your girl I’m’onna thump your girl. Now why don’t you two get on with your date. Sherman and I are gonna find us some pussy.”
So Macro and his dog bitch girl wandered off into the night, to have ugly sex between ugly people which everyone knows is shit.
And Sherman lectured me on the anti-merits of Holding a Gun When One Goes Out Selecting Pussy and the Pitfalls of Aiming a Gun at a Bitch When You Don’t Intend to Shoot and the like. Sherman was getting very professorial, and I wondered when he was older if he would be like the ancient schoolmarms which traversed our school and taught our classes.
“You need to leave your piece at home.”
“But how will I make bitches all scared like?”
“I don’t know. But sooner or later, if you bring your gun out, someone’s going to call the police.”
And what do you know, he was right. The very next morning my roommate who was a stinky faggot woke me with a start. The stinky faggot informed me that the police were at the door and behold, as I looked up from my covers there were the old black and blues, peeking into our dorm room door.
My gun was on my desk chair, fully loaded. I threw a pair of boxers over it, very casual, and pushed the stinky faggot out of my way.
“Do you mind waiting outside, you stink,” I said, and the stinky faggot complied.
As he pushed open the door I could see there were two of them, short cop and tall cop, and they were no doubt ready to play all sorts of games with little old me.
“Can I help you?”
They spoke my name. “Is that you?”
“Yes. What’s this about?”
“May we come in?”
“Come right in, come right in brothers. Can I interest you in a cold brewski?”
“We’re on duty. Have a few questions for you about last night.”
“Last night eh? Can’t say I know much about it.”
“Can’t say you know much about what?”
“About anything, really.”
“Were you at Bruno’s on State Street last night?”
“Indeed I was!”
“Do you own a weapon, sir?”
“I own a wee Glock.”
“A wee Glock.”
“What makes it a wee Glock?”
“It’s very small.”
“Did you take your Glock with you to Bruno’s?”
“My wee Glock? No I did not.”
“Where do you keep your wee Glock?”
“I keep my wee Glock in a safe back in Burlington.”
“Mind if we search your room?”
“Be my guest.”
So they start rummaging through my closet and that of the stinky faggot. I make sure they know that one’s not mine.
“What are you looking for?”
“Let us ask the questions.”
“Oh. Duly noted, my good man.”
“What was that?”
I enunciate. “Duly noted, my good man!”
“Do you think this is funny?”
“Am I laughing?”
“What were you doing at Bruno’s?”
“Scoping out bitches.”
“Me and my cronies were scoping the fly hunnies. Bitches. Sir.”
“You know you’d get more pussy if you stopped calling women bitches, don’t you?”
“I beg to disagree. Sir!”
“Did you point your gun at a Miss Angeline Brewster?”
“I’ve never met a Miss Angeline Brewster. Sir!”
“Did you point your gun at anyone?”
“My gun is in Burlington. Sir!”
“Do you know what the mandatory minimum sentencing is for felony assault with a firearm?”
“And you weren’t out pointing your firearm at any women last night?”
“I was simply looking for a little pussy, sir! I had started out earlier with my boy Tic Toc. His name is Sherman but I call him Tic Toc sir! We headed out of the crib and met up with Macrobiotik at Bruno’s, sir!”
“What is macrobiotic?”
“Macrobiotik is my homeboy, sir!”
“Your homeboy’s name is Macrobiotik?”
“Macro for short. Sir!”
“You can quit with the ‘sir.’ You could spend a lot of time in jail if this lady’s accusations are true.”
“I don’t want to go to jail, sir! Sorry about the sir! I’ve heard people get ass fucked in jail, not-sir! I’d like to die an asshole virgin sir! I can’t help it sir! I’m not ready to be fucked by a nigger in prison sir!”
“You have a bad attitude, son.”
“I know, sir!”
“You’re acting like somebody who has something to hide.”
“My story is complete, sir! There was no harassment at Bruno’s. Just a lot of bitches looking to get ass fucked by a carrot. Have you ever ass fucked a woman with a carrot sir!”
“Why don’t you sit over there while we search your place.”
So I sit at my desk, on top of the boxers covering my gun. And I feel that gun pressed into my ass and I think of what it must be like to have a Glock 9mm stuck up your ass by some psychopathic faggot who wanted revenge for all the times I’ve used the “f” word.
These cops were thorough, but they weren’t searching under my butt. They worked their way through the room, opening drawers, looking on top of the closets, then they made me sit there while they went up and down the hall questioning my hallmates.
When they came back they asked me if I was sure my gun was in Burlington.
“Are you even a Scout?”
“It’s an expression. What? You think that just ’cause I said ‘Scout’s honor’ without being a Scout that that makes me a liar on the point of my gun being in Burlington? My gun is in Burlington, rest assured. Just because my bitch-ass hallmates say otherwise doesn’t MEAN SHIT!”
Then they ask me if I’m on any medication for psychiatric illnesses.
“No. Not that I know of.”
“Are you aware of the university health service?”
“They treat scabies and STDs, right? I don’t have any STDs. I fuck clean bitches.”
“And what do you mean when you say ‘fuck bitches?’ ”
“You’re kidding, right? I stick my pee pee in they cooch. What the fuck you think I mean?”
“Do you ever get rough with a bitch?”
“Why would I get rough with a bitch? Maybe I slap ’em in they mouth when they act up. I mean I might do that from time to time.”
“You know that’s assault, right?”
“I’m not admitting to anything.”
“You need to treat bitches right, ok? When you get a bitch to suck your dick, that ain’t no license to fuck her, and when a bitch lets you fuck her, that ain’t no license to hit on a bitch.”
“Now wait a minute, who ever said I be roughin’ up on bitches? Did they say that?” I point to the hall.
“We’ve had reports. Bitches be callin’ us and lettin’ us know what you’ve been up to, bro! When you stick yo’ dick in a bitch, and she don’t want you to, sometimes bitches be callin’ us the next day and gettin’ they insides swiped. We find you spunk inside a bitch that didn’t want to be fucked, you could go to jail. Bitches’ insides be they own. You can’t fuck a bitch ain’t got no permission.”
“Now, did you take your piece to Bruno’s last night or not?”
“You didn’t pull your piece out on some bitch named Angeline?”
“Nah, man. But that bitch was actin’ up.”
“What did she do?”
“She was lookin’ all fly and shit. She was wearin’ tighty fishnets and I could see her maxi pad between her legs and shit. It was stickin’ out. I was thinkin’ about that bitch’s pussy and shit. Bettin’ she had a fly pussy. Wanted to do a finger test with ye olde pinky, if you catch.”
The officers were coming closer, and I squirmed me butt around the Glock, trying to conceal that I wasn’t sitting on flatness.
“What’s a finger test?” the one officer asks.
“When you get a bitch captive,” I say, “you want to perform Ye Olde Finger Test. This is where you finger a bitch progressively with one finger, two fingers, three fingers, four. Start with your pinky. Ideally you want a bitch who passes the one-finger test, meaning that when you stick yo’ pinky up that bitch’s cooch that bitch is tight as hell.”
“What happens if she fails the test?”
“You move on, my brotha, you move on.”
“Well, we’re going to be keeping an eye on you. If it turns out you’re hiding your Glock on campus there will be serious consequences.”
“Good, my brotha, right with you.” I give them the old thumbs up.
“And take it easy on the bitches. I know you like to fuck but bitches be havin’ feelings. It’s important that everyone be treated with respect.”
“That’s right.” The officer gives me the thumbs up.
“And you boys take it easy on the road. You never know with these university brothas, when someone might go ballistic on ya, jump out guns blaring, like maybe if he had a personal grudge or something. So anyway take care, I doubt we’ll be seeing much of each other after today.”
Then those black and blues took their smug faces and they left me be. And I stood up from sitting on my Glock, and straightened out my ass cheeks.
I knew I needed to hide my Glock, so I headed straight away to the bank. I knew from past experience that banks be keepin’ safes, and therein lie boxes for the rental. I just needed something yay big, for storage of me ole piece.
I strolled down State Street to the First National and I placed my piece on the counter in front of this fly little bitch with a bob haircut.
“I need to get a safety deposit box.”
“You need to speak to a customer service representative.”
“Well isn’t you a customer service representative?”
“I’m a teller.”
“Well where can I find me one of these ‘customer service representatives?'”
“Have a seat. Over there? And take your piece with you.”
“I be takin’ a piece of you with me, sweet hunny. I be ringin’ bells like a clock tower. How’s about you give me your number.”
She said “I don’t think so,” but she be blushin’.
So I sat down to wait in the area and while I was there I was makin’ eyes with the fly bob-haircut hunny, and between customers she be lookin’ over at me and I strut my legs out so she can see my package. I lay the Glock right next to it, to indicate its size like. And that bitch be gettin’ wet in her coochie area, you could tell by the way a bitch stand! She be rockin’ back and forth on her excellent legs and I be imagining me dick ticklin’ her pussy and general pussy area. Then we fuck like rabbits and she have my babies. I could see her bob haircut on a slob of boys and girls that would come out that bitch’s pussy once we fucked. I didn’t like the thought of her pussy getting distended from havin’ such a majority of kids, but I liked the thought of my seed inside her.
“Sir, come this way.”
“Why? Why you want me to come this way?”
“You wanted to rent a safe deposit box?”
“Ah yes. Me does. Me wants to rent a boxy for me Glocky piece.” I flash the piece.
The customer service representative is looking at me Glock.
“Is me not allowed to have Glocks inside a bank?”
“We don’t care what you put in your box, sir, as long as it’s not illegal.”
“Well me Glock is fully legal, believe that. Fully legal. Got me papers and everything.”
“Then why don’t you come this way and we can get you set up.”
“Whatevers you say, miss. As long as it’s legal.”
I smile at the bitch but she has her back turned to me, so I follow that bitch to her desk.
“How long has you worked here?”
“About eight months.”
“Does you like it here?”
“Mmm hmm,” she says. Me likes bitches who say “Mmm hmm.”
“And. Why does you like it here?” I open my mouth a bit..I “part my lips.” Then I flick my tongue a little. Bitches like that.
She doesn’t understand. She’s looking at me mouth. She says, “What are you doing?”
“I is flickin’ my tongue at you. See?” I do it again.
“Oh,” she says, then she goes to typin’ on her computer.
She has me fill out a bunch of forms. General disclaimers, some affidavits, a couple of noncompetes. Stuff to make sure I isn’t tryin’ to knock over the bank with the contents of my box.
Eventually I ask her, “Is that bitch at the front desk single?”
“Constance, I think her name tag said. The teller. You is a customer services representative and she is a teller, right?”
“So tell me, Renee, is that bitch single?”
“Yeah. The one with the bob.”
“I have no idea.”
“Well you should find out. It’s good to know your coworkers.”
Renee is kind of at a loss for words. (I do that to people.)
“Renee, let me ask you something.”
“If I was to bang your sweet pussy with a spiked dildo, bang it in there like I was workin’ on the railroad..and if that plastic dick was filled with little nubbins that rubbed on your pussy all nice like..and let’s say that dildo was powered by a car battery, jumper cables and shit, none of this double A shit..and lets say I had lubricated that pink neon dildo with none other than me very own cum..now I’m asking you..would you consider that the act of a gentleman?”
I sit back in me chair and cross me hands behind me head. Let her chew on that one.
I see her thinking.
I smile, knowing that I’ve stumped her. A society bitch like this would never know what to say to me. This the type of bitch wears full briefs, instead of bikini ones.
She opens her mouth, about to say something, then she closes it.
I be winnin’ this bout.
But then she just opens her mouth and says, “Let’s show you your box.” And I know I’m dealin’ with a quality bitch.
She shows me my box and it’s the perfect size for me Glock. We each have a key in this nice arrangement like. When me and the customer service representative put our keys in to turn them, we get real close and I can feel the heat coming off her. She wears this nice woman perfume, I think Clinique Happy—’cause I used to fuck this bitch who wore Clinique Happy. And I can see down this customer service representative’s shirt, and see that she wears a bra by Playtex or Kotex or something. It has this cross-my-heart design and it makes me think of my grandmother but in a way that makes me want to lay this Renee down on the floor of the safe and make sweet love right there next to millions of dollars.
“Take your key.”
“Take your key.”
“Renee, tell me, would you ever consider a threesome between you me and Constance? Do you like girls?”
“I think that’s about all I have to show you. You can access your box anytime the bank is open. Our hours are listed in the information card I gave you.”
“That’s all excellent, Renee. But I’m a feeler, not a thinker. I like to get below the surface. For instance into a sweet pair of panties.”
“If you’ll follow me, I think we’re done for today!”
I could tell Renee was getting all hot and bothered by my sex talk, so instead of letting her cool down I decided to turn up the heat.
“Why don’t you let me take you into your break room and I’ll hand fuck you. I’d like to get to know your clit with my thumb and show you how deep my fingers can go. Did you ever get hand fucked in your break room? Then I be spittin’ on your pussy and gettin’ you warmed up for some thick neck action. You want turkey neck? I got turkey neck all lined up and in parallel for these bitches. Have you and Constance both cummin’ at the same time, propped up on the table, legs like whaaa!”
When Renee sat back at her desk I could see she was ready to cry. So I took a tissue out of her box and offered it.
“Clean your face, bitch.”
She wipes her face and her mascara is fading, all sexy like. She puts the tissue in her trash.
“Is there anything else we can help you with today?”
I look around. “Nah, like. Sorry for the hassle. Bitch,” I add. “We’ll be seein’ you soon. Tell Constance if she doesn’t give it up I’ll open it up with a pry bar. Bitches ain’t got nothin’ on me.”
And then I left. But I couldn’t help going up to Constance and asking her a few questions. I wished I had my notebook but I would just have to do this with the ole mentality.
“So Constance. I couldn’t help but notice you’re about a B cup. I was wonderin’, do you like those titties pinched, slapped, or spanked?”
“If I was to pinch you, slap you, or spank you, which would you like best?”
“Can I help you with something?”
“You are helping me. I’ve got a bit of a thicky if you know what I’m saying.”
“Can I help you with some bank business?”
“Yes. Is you a notary?”
“A notary public, eh. ‘Cause I’ve always wanted to do it with a notary.”
“I’m not a notary. I can help you find a notary.”
“Maybe you could let me put my dick inside your panties from the side all sly like, and you could just push ’em over to the side and let me taste your pussy juice with my cock, while I hold you by that little bob of hair. I could show you how to swallow a cock while you’ve got a pair of hands around your fucking neck, bitch. Then your head be bouncin’ up and down on my thickness and I be pullin’ your hair, bitch. I know you got that haircut for me, right? ‘Cause you knew I was comin’? Whatsa matter, you don’t like your hair pulled? I train a bitch to like that shit. A bitch gets with me, she don’t know what she like. By the time I’m done with her, bitch a freak. Cuttin’ off chunks of her hair with cum in ’em, be eating the cum and hair and everything. Head look like a rag doll. Eatin’ her own vomit and shit. That the kind of bitch you are? Bitch that want to be taught? ‘Cause I can be your daddy, just say the word.”
After that I strolled the lane, looking this way and that, taking in the sight of all the glorious pussy around me.
State street was lined with girls who were strutting their stuff, dressed as whores to show off delicious legs and scrumptious asses. I felt lighter without my gun, and I strutted my stuff, too, pimp walking in a gait designed to attract ladies like a moth to a flame.
Bitches were prominent. They took up all the attention on State Street, outshining their gents so as to be displayed like prime cuts of meat. Bitches wore hunny shorts, cut to the ass. You could see their butt cheeks. And low-cut tops, so low in fact that their breasteses were dangling outside of their shirts. I saw freshman girls in yoga pants, their labia showing, inviting all to imagine what it would be like to fuck their tiny coochies.
You tell me this, when a girl wears pants that show her labia, what is she saying? She is saying she wants to get fucked, am I right? It’s all I can do but walk up to her and run my fingers through her crack, send all sorts of sensations running between her pussy lips. Next they will have clear pants that show the labia, all plush and soft, inviting every gentleman on the street to know her.
I passed the intersection of State and Union, and all this pussy was overloading my senses, so I took a detour down Union and then onto the quickest side street that would take me away from the onslaught of pussy. It wasn’t really the way home but I wasn’t relishing an afternoon spent with the stinky faggot so I decided to take the scenic route.
There was still pussy here, in the form of two young vixens wearing booty shorts that said “JUICY” across they butts. Now that’s something I could get into, a nice juicy asshole. Or maybe the JUICY was meant to refer to they cooch, to they general ass. I consider the coochi part of the ass—does you?
As I approached these two ladies I could hear they conversation. They were talking about guys’ dicks.
“I don’t care about girth,” this one girl says. “I want a dick so long he can fuck me from the next room.”
“Nah,” this other girl says, “I like a nice thick dick. I want it to feel like he’s sticking his hand inside me.”
“Why choose? When you can have both!” I say, and I walk up beside them.
I grab my package, squeeze it, pull it up a little.
“I got girth and length, ladies. So why don’t we stop up at this Taco Bell parking lot and let me run you through the paces.”
“With you? Forget it.”
“Get lost, dude.”
“Oh, is that how it is?”
“Yeah, that’s how it is.”
“You’re gonna diss me like that?”
“Keep walking, asshole!”
“Now why is it that when a guy says something nice to a pair of ladies such as yourselves that he is immediately an asshole?”
“Talking about your dick isn’t a nice thing to say.”
“Would you rather me talk about your genitals?”
“Well that sounds to me like a double standard. If a guy talks about a guy’s genitals, he is gross. If a girl talks about a guy’s genitals, as you two were, it’s acceptable conversation.”
The girls look at each other.
“Now, if you’ll allow me, I’d like to introduce myself.”
“Well don’t expect us to tell you our names.”
“Don’t expect me to tell you mine, either,” I say, and I unzip my shorts and whip my dick out.
I’ve got the chicken head in my hand, and I’m pointing it at my ladies, one, then the other.
“See? Like I said. Girth and length.”
“Get the fuck away!”
“You ladies want to touch it?”
“Put it away!”
“Put your dick away!”
“But why would I put it away, when I is airin’ it out?”
“Leave us alone, dude. We don’t want to see your dick!”
“Some things in life we don’t get to choose,” I say. “Now who wants to give it a lick?”
“Guaranteed to taste like raspberries! Why don’t you lay down over there, and we will see how juicy you really is.”
“Come on, Megan,” the one says, and she grabs her friend’s hand, and pulls her quickly ahead, away from me.
I stand there for a moment, and this guy is walking down the other side of the street. He looks over and sees my dick.
“What are you looking at?”
I zip up.
I yell, “Bye, Megan!” and I continue down the street. I take corners at random, marvelling at the beauty of the day, imagining my dick planted firmly between Megan’s labia, suckers gripping me like a pair of pliers. I like a girl with big labia.
Well soon enough I come to this house which has a sign out front. It says, “DOG FOR SALE” and I think to meself, wouldn’t it be nice if me has a dog? I knock on the door.
“I’m here about your sign. The one for the dog?”
“I’m just about to bring him out. Hold up here, ok?”
I sit on the porch. In time, my man brings out his dog, which looks like a hound dog, a setter or something—the type of dog you use for hunting.
And the first thing I notice about this dog is he has an enormous cock. It’s laid up against his belly and it’s contracted and everything, but you can tell, this dog is hung. Big boy. I like him already.
“This dog have any kids?”
“Not that I know of.”
“But he likes the bitches, right?”
“What do you mean?”
“The dog’s not gay, right?”
“No, as far as I know he likes bitches.”
“How much are you selling this dog for?”
“Seems a little high.”
“I have all his paperwork, he’s had shots, we only feed him Premium Purina Chow.”
“Why, is that good stuff?”
“He’s not a vegetarian, is he? ‘Cause I couldn’t be havin’ no dog that’s a vegetarian.”
“He eats meat.”
“Does he eat yogurt?”
“I don’t know. We could maybe go two-fifty.”
“Hold back with the business, my man. Let me get to know you. You a University graduate?”
“Yeah. You go here now?”
“Yeah, my man. I goes to this shithole of a school. So is you married? Or is you a cake boy, eating fudge off the tip of your weinus after you’s sticks it in the anus of your hubby hubby like?”
“You want to meet my girlfriend?”
“No, I don’t needs to meet your girlfriend, unless you have some idea of the three of us gettin’ freaky in the bedroom. I don’t care what you and your wife do behind closed doors. Even if you fuck her in the ass then fuck her in the mouth right afterward. That’s your business. I’m just interested in the dog.”
“Yeah, so we’ve had this dog two years. He’s fully grown. He gets kind of aggressive sometimes but usually a good walk cures that. He’s yours for two-fifty if he’s going to a good home. Where do you live? Do you live in the dorms?”
“Yeah, but we’s about to remedy that.”
“He needs to be walked twice a day.”
“I be walkin’ him twice a day, no doubt.”
“He needs a good space to run.”
“He be runnin’ on the green, with me. Settle yourself about that, my man. I be needin’ to ask you a few questions.”
“So you say he has his papers?”
“So when you fuck your girlfriend, do you leave bruises? You were serious about having a girlfriend, weren’t you?”
“No, I don’t need to meet your bitch. Best you keep that ho to yourself. I’m an off-the-chain motherfucker when it be comin’ to bitches, I be showin’ ’em my dick and shit, so unless you want me poppin’ it out to show your wife—”
“Unless ye want me poppin’ it out to tempt that bitch, you best be keepin’ that bitch inside that house. All I needs to know from you, my friend, is do you leave bruises on that bitch when you fuck? I’m askin’ as a young man to an older one. Because when I fuck I like to leave a bitch black and blue, you know what I’m sayin’? And I is wonderin’, from a place of inexperience to a place of more experience, is that shit normal?”
“How old are you?”
“I is twenty-two.”
“You a senior?”
“Yes I is.”
“How many girlfriends have you had?”
“I has lost count.”
“And you want to know if it’s right to leave a girl black and blue after you fuck her?”
“That’s right sir.”
“How many girls have you left black and blue?”
“More than one, sir.”
“Well I would say that’s between you and her, you know? I mean if she likes to be hit, there’s nothing wrong with you leaving a few marks..but only if it’s decided upon beforehand, and you have limits, like a safe word. Do you know what a safe word is?”
“That’s when you be beatin’ a bitch and she has a special word she can tell in your ear so that maybe you stop beatin’ the shit out of her, right?”
“Well is you gonna sell me your dog?”
“If you want him.”
“Does he have a name?”
“Well we’s gonna have to change that.”
“You’re welcome to name him whatever you want. He comes to Seymour.”
“I was thinkin’ more like Mega Dog.”
“That works. So how does two-fifty sound?”
“I don’t think me be payin’ more than two hundred for a dog named Seymour.”
“But you can change it.”
“Two hundred is all me have in me pocket.”
“Can’t you go get more?”
“Then I might be losin’ interest and never come back to this house.”
“Ok. Two hundred.”
So we shake hands and I give him cash and I take that dog Seymour off his hands.
I decide right then and there I’m gonna rename him. No dog of mine is gonna have a gay-ass name like Seymour. Seymour is a name for fags.
I’m thinking of names as I go back to the green. Mega Dog is a definite possibility. Baxter, or something like that. This dog is a killer.
I come up on the green and see there is a bunch of students gathering at the fountain. So I walk my dog up to show him off.
First there is little interest, and then, what do I see?
Little Miss Defiance, sitting on the edge of the fountain with a textbook.
I walk my dog right up.
“Well, if it ain’t Little Miss Defiance.”
She doesn’t look up.
“Hey there, Little Miss D. I’m talkin’ to you.”
She looks up. “Oh, you.”
“Well, doesn’t you like me dog?”
She looks back at her book.
“So, Little Miss D. Here’s how this works. When I talk to you, you’s looks at me and talks back.”
“Why would I want to talk to you?”
“‘Cause me’s a charmin’ motherfucker.”
“I’m trying to read here. Can’t you see that?”
“Well I’s tryin’ to walk me dog, can’t you see that?”
“You don’t make any sense.”
“I makes exactly as much sense as you wants me to, if you catch me meaning.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means if you open your ears, you hear.”
“I’ve got homework to do. Don’t you have any homework? Or do you even go here?”
“Oh, me’s goes here.”
“I doubt that.”
“Ye can doubt anything thee like, Little Miss. It doesn’t make it so.”
“Anyway, I have to read this for tomorrow, so.”
“Well I wouldn’t want to keep you from your studies. But me dog would like it if you would acknowledge him.”
Little Miss D. gives me this hard look, like she been played every which way from Sunday by every player imaginable, and I is the last in a long line of players she about to take lip from.
“What’s her name?”
“It’s a he. See? His dick.”
“What’s his name then?” She’s shaking her head.
“Still lookin’ for a name.”
“Want to find the perfect one, see?”
“Your dog doesn’t even have a name? What kind of pet owner are you?”
“I is the kind of pet owner who would rather wait a few weeks to find the perfect name than to jump into a name prematurely. That’s the kind of pet owner I is.”
She pets me dog. And he takes to her. He licks her hand.
“See, Seymour, she’s nice.”
“I thought he didn’t have a name.”
“Seymour is his temporary faggot name.”
“You know when you talk like that you just turn off every girl in a ten-mile radius.”
“Me doesn’t even have a protractor..how could me measure a ten-mile radius?”
“It’s not attractive.”
“If you say so.”
“And when you disturb my study group that doesn’t ingratiate you to me. People are drinking their coffee. Trying to study. And you come through with your loud-ass stories about bitches you like to fuck. It’s disgusting.”
“But you wasn’t drinkin’ coffees. You was drinkin’ pumpkin spice lattes.”
“Lattes are coffee, retard.”
“You know I hear in some circles retard ain’t such a cool word to say anymore. In that it stigmatizes the retards.”
“Am I done meeting your dog now?”
“If you decides you is done, then I guess you is done.”
“Well. Bye dog!” She gives a little wave. She is wearing short shorts and a t-shirt so tight it shows her B-cup titties. I imagine meself tweaking her nips, twisting ’em, getting ’em hard.
“Do you mind if me’s asks you a personal question?”
“Only if you stop talking in that ridiculous accent.”
“I can talks anyway you like.”
“Well. Talk normal.”
“Ok. And can I point out that that isn’t an accent. It’s a dialect.”
“Good for you.”
“Now can I ask my personal question?”
“If you must.”
“Do you want to accompany me and my nameless dog on a walk across the green?”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
“I have to study..see this book?”
“Surely you have time for a walk. Just..across the green and back. You’d be back in twenty minutes.”
“I don’t think so.”
“See how much Seymour likes you? He’ll be lonely if you don’t come.”
“He’ll have you.”
“But me’s not very good company.”
“Take a walk with me.”
“You insist? I don’t give a good goddamn if you insist! I’ve got to do my reading.”
“You can read as we walk.”
“No. I can’t. I like to be stationary when I read.”
“You is a fascinating girl. What’s your name?”
“Stop talking like that!”
“Alright! What, is, your, name?”
“I ain’t tellin’ you.”
“Look! You be doin’ it too!”
“‘Ain’t.’ You be talkin’ just like me.”
“Well let’s both stop.”
“I be stoppin’ if you will.”
“Then. Yes. Go. Stop.”
“What’s your name?”
“I’m supposed to tell you my name when your dog doesn’t even have a name? Let’s all just proceed..without names.”
“So we’s be proceedin’ then.”
“If you don’t stop talking like that I’m going to stop talking to you.”
“Whatever you say, Little Miss D.”
“Don’t call me Little Miss.”
“Well what should I call you?”
“Just call me ‘hey you’ for now.”
“Well, Hey You, would you like to take a walk with me and my dog?”
“What can I do to make you say yes?”
“What if I offer you to walk the dog?”
“I ain’t walkin’ no dog without a name.”
“Ah ah ah! A deal’s a deal.”
“I’m not walking a dog without a name.”
“Let’s name him, then.”
“You’re a punk, you know that? I came out here to have a quiet place to read. I’ve got to finish this for class tomorrow. Now you come along and everything falls to shit.”
“What do you think about William as a name?”
“For your dog?”
“No, for our firstborn. What do you think I mean?”
She considers Seymour. “No. He doesn’t look like a William.”
“Well what do you think about giving him a girl’s name? I think this dog might be gay.”
“There you go, ruining it again.”
“We were making progress. I don’t believe I’m saying this about you, but we were. Then you go and say a thing like that.”
“What, that my home is open and affirming to gay dogs?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Worry about what?”
“Can’t you see I’m busy?”
“Too busy for a walk on a beautiful day?”
“Go away!” She closes her book when she says it.
People are looking at us.
I bend to Seymour. “Hey, buddy. Our Little Miss D. is not amused. I need your help, buddy. Show her your good side, show her there’s nothing wrong with the Big Bad Wolf.” I grab his paw and reach it upwards. “He wants to shake with you.”
She won’t look. She’s got her book pressed against her chest and she’s staring sideways.
“He wants to shake with you.”
She makes no motion.
“Hello, beautiful girl, my name is Seymour, and I want to take a walk with you.” I shake his paw.
The girl looks down.
“If I take this walk with you, will you leave me alone?”
“We’re going to the edge of the green and back.”
“You won’t say anything stupid.”
“I will try my best.”
“You won’t talk like a gangster.”
I do the Scouts’ Honor pose. “I will not talk like a gangster.”
“I don’t believe I’m doing this.”
“Yes! Success!” I raise my arms in the air and it frightens Seymour.
“You will not touch me at any point during this walk.”
“You will not touch me at the conclusion of this walk.”
“Not a bit.”
“You will not ask personal questions.”
“I will try not to ask personal questions.”
“You will not ask personal questions.”
“I will not ask a single personal question. I will restrict my talk to the weather, the general environment, any people we see, fly hunnies—”
“No fly hunnies.”
“I would hate to see what you think is fly anyway.”
“Well, you. I think you is fly.”
“Seymour, we’re going to on a walk!”
“I hope you understand that this walk in no way indicates that I like you or am at all attracted to you. We are not sleeping together. There will not be a second walk. This is purely to get you off my back so I can do my homework.”
“Feisty. I like that.”
“Stop it. I mean it. At any time if I feel like I’m not having fun I will turn around and leave you and your dog wherever we are.”
“So many rules. Is this how you live the rest of your life?”
“No, these are special rules for you. Dammit. You probably loved hearing that, didn’t you?”
“You have a sickness..that I..can’t quite put my finger on. What’s your name? If I’m gonna walk with you I need to know your name. I don’t need to know it. But I would like to know it, for the purposes of this dubious walk.”
“You’re a very wordy girl.”
“I bet you have a thing for wordy girls, right?”
“Oh that’s nice. You like dumb-ass whores?”
“I think if I answer that question honestly you will not like me.”
“Smart move. What’s your name?”
“You go first. What’s your name?”
“Laely. And I don’t believe I’m doing this.”
“So..Laely. What brings you to this town?”
“Uh..I go to school here.”
“But why this school, if you catch my meaning?”
“Are you asking that ’cause this is a party school?”
“Well you must like to party if you came here.”
“Maybe it’s all I can afford.”
“So you is from within the state then?”
“I’m from Melville.”
“Melville. I has been there many times.”
“No gangster talk, or I’m out.”
“I have been to your lovely town of Melville many times.”
“Did you like it?”
“I liked what I saw.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means the parts that I saw..I liked.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“I hardly know you, how could I be mad at you? Do you want me to be mad at you?”
I looked at this girl, seeing her bra through her shirt and imagining those B cups in my face with her sitting on top of me, my dick upright between her pretty legs sticking into her righteous cunt—for I was becoming surer by the minute that this bitch had a righteous cunt—and I thought of us making love, wild puppy love, yipping and yapping our pleasure at each other like dogs.
To this fine bitch I said, “No. I do not want you to be mad at me.”
She said, “Because I thought you might think that if I was mad at you, that would mean we were closer.”
“I suppose it would mean that.”
“But you didn’t want that?”
“No. I doesn’t want you to be mad at me, Little Miss D.”
“Call me by my name.”
“Ok, Laely, I calls you by your name.”
“You have so many demands, seeing how you just met me,” I say.
“I bet you like that,” she says.
“I likes spending time with you, it doesn’t matter if you make demands or not.”
“But I bet you’re getting off on the fact that I make so many demands on you—aren’t you?”
“I ain’t getting off on anything, Little Miss L.”
“It’s just Laely!”
“Fine. Laely. But I prefer to call you Little Miss L.”
“I prefer you don’t. It’s misogynistic.”
“No it ain’t, Laely. It’s affectionate.”
“That’s just as bad. I don’t want you to be affectionate towards me. So stop imagining that we get together..’cause we don’t. After this walk you go on with your pathetic life and I go on with mine.”
“Is you sayin’ that your life is pathetic too?”
“It’s pretty pathetic.”
“I can’t imagine your life being pathetic.”
“How do you imagine it?”
“Like an angel.”
“Don’t bullshit me.”
“Well not exactly like an angel, but me’s imagines that you have the world pretty much at your fingertips, guys wantin’ to be with you and all, and you’s havin’ your pick of the lot of them..be datin’ at your whim, I imagine..not givin’ a fuck about nobody..gettin’ buck wild with your girlfriends dancin’ around in your underwear—!”
“Stop. I don’t dance buck wild in my underwear. I don’t date—I don’t have time for it. I’m a full-time student—”
“I’s a full-time student too.”
“Do you date?”
“I do my thing.”
“That just means you fuck random girls.”
“I don’t fuck random girls. I likes to get to know someone before I fuck them.”
“Why do you think I don’t have feelings, too? You have feelings, right? Right?”
“Then why do you think that I don’t have them? I be catchin’ feelin’s before I fuck a ho.”
“What? Isn’t you a ho? Don’t you be givin’ it up?”
“None of your business.”
“Oh. So you isn’t a ho. You like to be givin’ it to one guy, special like.”
“I lied before. I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Why did you lie to me?”
“Because. I wanted you to leave me alone.”
“You lied to me?”
“Don’t act surprised.”
“So you doesn’t even have a boyfriend?”
“I had one in high school. I don’t have time for one now. I’m in the honors dorm. All honors classes. I’m here to learn, not to have sex.”
“But you likes sex, right..you ain’t no..lesbian?”
“Frankly, it’s none of your business.”
“So it’s frankly now, is it. You like to keep me at a distance with ‘frankly.'”
“I don’t like to keep you anywhere. You’re just another guy who wants to get in a girl’s pants and is willing to do anything to accomplish your goal, including bringing her a cute dog.”
“You think me’s bought this dog just to impress you?”
“You think me’s doesn’t even love this dog?”
“How do I know. It’s probably not even your dog.”
“You’s thinks this dog is a rental.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised.”
And with every time she disbelieved me, I fell deeper and deeper in love. I needed a girl to deny me, to disbelieve me, to hold me at bay. It was good for me. This bitch wasn’t buyin’ a word of what I said, and somewhere deep down, it did me good.
“I think you is a hard nut to crack,” I said.
“Well don’t try to crack me.”
“Why not? That’s what a nut is for, isn’t it?”
“I’m not a nut.”
“You is like a walnut, all wrinkly and hard on the outside but all smooth and soft on the inside.”
“Ew! Gross! Do you realize you just compared me to a walnut? That’s like page one in the Handbook of How Not to Impress Girls.”
“They has a handbook on how nots to impress girls?”
“Don’t act stupid.”
“Has you ever eaten a walnut?”
“Isn’t they good?”
“Well that’s you.”
“You’re saying I’m just alright?”
“I don’t know yet ’cause I hasn’t tasted the meat.”
“Do these complex analogies work with other girls?”
“I don’t use analogies with other girls. Just you.”
“And I’m supposed to be blessed for this? Look, let’s walk back. This has been an interesting..experiment..but I’m ready to continue with my reading and I’m sure you and Seymour have better things to do.”
“Seymour prefers to stay here with you.”
I kneel beside Seymour and pet him, rub his ears.
Laely kneels too. She pets his face. “Listen, my man. You and I are on two different targets..tracks. We exist in different worlds. You like to harass women and make a nuisance of yourself. I like to spend quiet evenings studying and readying myself for a career. We don’t exist together. When I said I had a boyfriend, earlier, that was true: my studies are my boyfriend. We go to bed together, wake up together, spend all day together. We’re everything to each other. And there just isn’t room in that kind of lifestyle for me to be cavorting with..no offense..but the likes of you. You disgust me. I hate the way you talk. The only thing good about you is your dog, and somehow I doubt that he’s going to be around long. You don’t exactly strike me as a pet owner, if you know what I’m saying.”
“No, I don’t know what you is saying.”
“I just don’t see you taking care of a dog.”
“You don’t think I can take care of a dog.”
“Has you ever had a dog?”
“Then that’s the pot calling the kettle black. I has had a dog and you hasn’t—”
“That’s not the pot calling the kettle black.”
“If I says I have had a dog and you says you haven’t—”
“I think you’re mistaking that for another expression.”
“I is not mistaken.”
“Yes. You is.”
“Well I guess we’re at an impasse.”
“I guess so, maestro.”
“Why is you callin’ me maestro all of a sudden?”
“Forget I said anything.”
“No I can’t forget. You is callin’ me maestro. What does you mean?”
“Forget it. The walk..is over.”
“You said you would walk me to the edge of the green and back.”
“Well. I changed my mind.”
“You is an Indian giver.”
“Nice meeting you. Bye Seymour. Have a nice life being a menace.”
“At least walk me back—let me walk you to the fountain! I’ll walk you back and you can continue your reading, and you’ll never see me again.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Of course it’s a promise. I promise you after we get to the fountain you will never see me again.”
“Unless you see me by accident around campus.”
“Somehow I think that’s increasingly likely.”
“If I sees you in the future I brings me dog up to you for a quick pet and then me leaves you alone.”
“I have to finish my reading.”
“Me knows that! Trust me, me is more than respectful of your reading time. Me’s needs me’s reading time as well.”
“Oh yeah? What do you read?”
“Me’s reads the internet.”
“Porn doesn’t count as reading.”
“It doesn’t? Sometimes bitches be holdin’ signs in fine print above they heads as they be gettin’ fucked from behind, and me’s has to read the fine print before me’s can get off.”
“Have you ever been laid in your whole life?”
“I’s been laid a few times.”
“Not counting internet girlfriends, how many times have you been laid?”
“You is askin’ into me very private life.”
“Aren’t you trying to get down my pants? As someone you’re trying to fuck, I would like to know. How many girls have you been with?”
“Is you sayin’ there is a chance of you and me’s gettin’ together?”
“No. I am not saying that. I just want to know how diseased you are.”
“I is disease free.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’s only fuck disease-free hoes.”
“Ok. Thanks. We’re done. It’s been amusing. I think you’ll agree we’re sufficiently near the fountain that this walk is over. So it’s been very nice being assaulted by your constant stream of negativisms against women. Have a nice life. Seymour: good luck. Please feed your dog.”
Then she flips me off. She opens her textbook with one hand and puts up a middle finger with the other. It’s not even aimed at me, it’s just in my general direction.
Well I couldn’t just stand there all day talking to my new friend. I yelled, “Later bitch!” and took Seymour down the hill.
Little Miss D. continued in my mind after I had left her. Her hair, her face..all suggested a fine pussy. I needed to know what was underneath those shorts, to see that puss and see if it was fine or not. Hopefully she wouldn’t surprise me with an unshaved puss or too much roast beef. Bitches need to tuck that shit in. I shivered. She might be unshaved.
Considering the horrors of Little Miss D. with an unshaved pussy, I also thought about her other qualities. A certain wry intelligence, if I did say so myself. And I had called it initially: Defiance. This wasn’t one to take it from anybody, and that made me want to give it to her all the more.
Little Miss D., with her legs spread, pussy out. I would shave that motherfucker if I had to. Freshly-shaved pussy, stick my dick in, have my way. Fuck her from the inside out. Be ringin’ that bitch’s bells. Have her beggin’ for more.
You never know when a young bitch like that may not have enough sense to shave her own pussy. You would think any bitch above the age of twelve would have sense enough to shave her own pussy. But you never know with certain bitches. Some of them ain’t got no sense.
Seymour and I came to the dorm. We’re standing outside my door. Seymour barks.
The door opens. It’s the stinky faggot.
“Hey buddy! Who’s this?”
“This is Seymour. I’m probably going to rename him—I mean I am going to rename him I just don’t know what to rename him yet.”
“Who’s is he?”
“Well, buddy, he’s ours!”
I go into the room, let Seymour’s leash go. He jumps all over the stinky faggot.
“Whoah boy! He’s beautiful. He’s a beautiful dog.”
“I thought you would think that. We’re going to make a beautiful home here, you me and him.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean nothing. He can sleep with me. He’s dynamite with the bitches..not that you’d care about that.”
“We can’t have a dog.”
“And yet..we do!”
“Where did you get him?”
“Some guy. Used to go to school here. Got him for two-hundred bucks!”
“That’s a good price for a dog. What kind is he?”
“He’s a hunting dog. Look at ‘im. Killer.”
“Were you walking him on the green?”
I nod. “Bitches loooove this dog, roomie! You should see this bitch I met. Fine. B-class titties. Fly-ass pussy.”
“How do you know anything about her pussy?”
“From my facial reconstructive analysis. You can tell everything you need to know about a bitch’s pussy—”
“From her face. Right. You know that’s a load of bullshit, right?”
“It ain’t a load of bullshit. A bitch’s pussy and a bitch’s face bear a unique resemblance consisting of several different feature availability sets.”
“What the fuck is a feature availability set?”
“Well I can’t expect you to know.”
“‘Cause you is a fag.”
“I don’t know how you got it in your mind that I’m a fag, but I’m not a fag, not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“That is exactly the kind of thing a fag would say.”
“I know it’s ‘whatever.’ ‘Cause you is a fag.”
“Let’s talk about the dog.”
“Why, ’cause you is thinkin’ that he be gay too?”
“No, because I be thinkin’ that we can’t keep a dog in a dorm room.”
“Of course we is gonna keep ‘im. You want me to leave ‘im by a garbage bin?”
“Why don’t you take him back where you got him?”
“And put my tail between my legs? That is just the kind of thing a fag would suggest.”
“I’m just suggesting..this isn’t the best home for a dog.”
“His name is Seymour and I would appreciate it if you refer to him by his name.”
“Seymour would be better off where he came from.”
“How do you know? He may have had a horrible home.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter, ’cause we’re not allowed to keep dogs on campus, so you have to get rid of him.”
“Me didn’t realize fags were so opposed to animals.”
“Why do you need me to be gay? Why does that make you more comfortable?”
“Ew! I doesn’t need you to be gay. You just happens to be the most gayest dog-hating roomie that I has ever had!”
“Were you abused as a child, is that why—”
“No I wasn’t abused! Why? Is you thinkin’ about abusin’ me, you big stinky faggot?”
“I’m just asking—”
“The answer is no. I was never abused. And I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ reassigned to a non-stinky, non-faggot roommate selection, if you catch me meaning. Now are you going to help me take care of Seymour or not?”
“Are you going to threaten me?”
“No, I is askin’ you like a civilized motherfucker.”
The stinky faggot sits back in his desk chair, ponderin’ and shit.
“Well, is you?”
“Is I what?”
“Is you going to help me take care of this dog?”
“I don’t know yet. You can’t just spring a dog on a person. The time to talk would have been before you got the dog.”
“Blah blah blah. Lecture lecture lecture. You should see the fly bitch I got with this dog. This dog can work for you, too, you know. Get you some tight freshman fag you can cornhole when I isn’t in the room.”
“Doesn’t you want to fuck the butt of some tight freshmans that you lured into the room with ole Seymour here, fuck them right up the butts?”
“I’m not gay.”
“If you want to fuck butts, that’s your business—what am I going to say about it? I’m trying to do you a service..by presenting you..with a dog..who can help further your pursuits.”
“According to you my pursuits are cornholing unsuspecting freshmen.”
“Stickin’ your doodad up their butts.”
“Right. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m not gay. I like girls too.”
“You like they pussy?”
“Then why is you so afraid to say it?”
“Then say it. Right now.”
“Just ’cause you can say it don’t make you straight, brah. When I talk about a straight guy I mean a guy who through and through likes pussy. Lives it. Breathes it. Loves it. Is you that kind of guy?”
“I like pussy.”
“But you be soundin’ so tentative..like is you sure you likes it? For instance, do you likes it hairy or shaved?”
“I guess..either way.”
“That sound like a fag thing to say, my friend. And you can see how, with an answer like that, I am uncomfortable with you sleepin’ in the same room as me. I’m not sure I can trust you sleepin’ in the same room as Seymour.”
“What do you think I’m going to do to him?”
“I doesn’t know, my man. I just doesn’t know. But I’s wouldn’t want to risk it.”
“Well I guess you can’t keep him here, since you can’t trust me alone with your dog.”
“Your words, not mine. I never said anything about you’s bein’ alone with him. If you was alone with him, what kind of things would you do?”
“Nothing! I don’t even want your dog here!”
“Is you sure?”
“I think you should sell him as soon as possible.”
“Well I guess it isn’t true.”
“About fags having warm hearts.”
“I thought you people had a soft spot for animals.”
“Get it through your head..I’m not gay!”
“I never sees you with a woman.”
“I’ve been with several women this year.”
“Why doesn’t I see them?”
“Because you’re always out..doing..whatever you do.”
“I fuck bitches.”
“Fucking bitches, then.”
“You say that like you be doubtin’ a motherfucker and I feel your doubt.”
“No, I’m sure you do.”
“I do. I let a bitch know who’s who. Be takin’ my own shaving cream along just in case they pussies ain’t shaved..shavin’ those motherfuckers, get ’em real smooth, you be eatin’ off these motherfuckers. Seymour knows. Helped me get this fly bitch who I know I’m’onna bed. Little Miss D.”
“You call her that ’cause she has a dick?”
“No, I call her that because she’s Defiant. Little bitch had the stuff to stand up to me when I was makin’ noise in a cafe, disturbin’ her study group talking about bitches and hoes and so forth. Little Miss D. stood up to me. And I’m going to drop that bitch’s panties and stick my dick in. Show that bitch what happens when you stand up to me, teach her what defiance gets you. It gets you a cock in the v., is what it gets you, whether you like it or not. I’m gonna bang that bitch till she feel it in her teeth, she be usin’ my cum as toothpaste.”
“To you it wouldn’t, fag. That’s ’cause you don’t know anything about pussy—real pussy. Your three girls a year..you think that teaches you about real pussy? I bet they be fat lesbians you be fuckin’, hairy upper lip, don’t shave they armpits. I’m talkin’ about fresh, clean pussy. Race car pussy. You be fuckin’ old jalopy pussy. This is that kind of pussy you get when you’re sixteen—‘cept I be gettin’ that every day. I be fuckin’ Little Miss D.—you see. Now I need this Seymour to help keep that bitch’s attention, so is you going to let me keep this dog or what?”
Stinky faggot said he’d have to think about that, and he left to get some lunch. I locked the door. It seemed like a perfect time to view some porn, if you catch my drift. So I stashed Seymour in the corner and did some searches.
The first thing I searched for is “girls whose fathers didn’t love them.” It was a bunch of images of sorry-looking chicks who had been abandoned by they fathers, and these got me hard right away. Poor little unloved girls sitting in the corner with their arms crossed, bruises on they faces, looking all pouty like. I thought about getting off to one of those bitches right there, but I was too smart for that. I knew the internet had more to offer me. I could always come back to these pouty bitches later.
I typed in a string of words something like “cum slut hentai bitch boobs cums real hard 100% real orgasms” and I got a bunch of junk.
So I’s narrowed my search. I typed “100% real panty girls teens cumming in they britches,” thinking that even though britches was an archaic word the internet would know what I mean. This time I got some fine-ass pictures of bitches creamin’ they panties, some real 100% bitches including this one bitch who had pink panties and was sittin’ in a feather bed playin’ with that bitch’s own pussy with feathers and a clear dildo bigger than any dick I had ever seen. It made me mad to think of this bitch getting off on that clear dildo, when really it should have been my cock she was getting off with. She almost got me off but then I started thinkin’ about how that bitch was probably a real-life lesbian and me’s started getting angry about that bitch bein’ a lesbian and me started to punch me computer screen and Seymour be gettin’ hyped up so me figured me should tone it down a bit.
Another of the real panty girls I found was this ballet dancer, be wearin’ a leotard with white things sticking out of her pussy area in case that bitch’s pussy be splashin’ out when that bitch get excited. The camera was all up in her pussy area and I was thinkin’ how that bitch had been a bad, bad bitch—be disobeyin’ her dance instructor and shit, be breakin’ all the rules—and that bitch’s pussy need punishing, and me’s the one they sent to do it. ‘Cause sometimes when a ballet-dancin’ bitch get out of line they like to send in a 100% American gangsta, to quiet that bitch down. She needs her pussy punished, and I is the pussy punisher. I start imaginin’ her teachin’ ballet steps to me while I fucks her bad, bad, pussy and then I starts wonderin’ if I is gay ’cause I’s imaginin’ her teachin’ me ballet steps. Surely no 100% straight dude would imagine a ballet bitch teachin’ him dance steps! I’s must be a certain percentage gay! Do you think stinky faggot knows?!
I search for “100% straight girls with tight pussies no gay stuff” and feel a sigh of relief. This search don’t be havin’ no gay stuff in it—me specified 100% straight! Me specified no gay stuff. Surely me fantasies this time around won’t be includin’ no gay-ass fantasies about ballet dancers teaching me to dance! But I don’t get anything good with this search so I have to go again.
“super-tight bitches be havin’ pliers in they pussy” gives me nothing. “gator-grip twat” gives me nothing.
I decide to go back to my previous tack. “bitches who be damaged in they mind and will let you cum in they face” gives me some more sad-looking bitches including one about five years old sittin’ in her parents’ kitchen lookin’ like she just got beat with a chain. Welts and shit on her arms. Bruised face. She has all she clothes on, but you can imagine what she grows up like—become one of these college bitches don’t care what the fuck you do to ’em, long as it’s violent. “bitches who like violence” gives me some bitches who like to inflict violence, and they is not the kind of bitches I is lookin’ for.
I try just “sad-looking bitches” and get a jackpot. I get some dogs, some pictures of pigs. But I also gets middle-aged bitches who is just sad, and I almost jerk off over some bitch looks like Hillary Clinton. Then they is some pathetic bitches, in they twenties, who looks depressed. They looks like they need medication. One of these bitches has brown hair and looks like this actress who was famous when I was a kid. I can’t help it but this thought of me suckling at her titties flashes into my head. Like she was old enough to be my mom and shit. I can’t help it if sick shit comes into my head. That’s just the way I’m built.
So I’m strokin’ it looking at this bitch old enough to be my mom, and she’s breastfeedin’ me in my mind, and I almost cum, but not quite. Put that bitch away.
I need some prime bitches. “prime bitches in they prime who has fly skin big titties (all natural) and tight coochies between they legs (must include detailed shots of pussy) send!” That gives me some papers written by college professors. I just type, “bitches in they prime.” Autocorrect comes back suggesting I meant, “bitches in their prime.”
“No, bitch,” I say, and Seymour stands up. “We ain’t ready to go yet, Mr. S. I gots to get my junk off, ya dig? We’s gonna be here another minute so you might as well get settled.”
The poor fucking dog looks hungry. Maybe stinky faggot is right: this is no place to hold a dog.
I do a search for “girls being tortured” and get a lot of stuff back. Man, you are some disgusting fucks. It’s all fake but there’s this one on a boat that looks like it’s real. Some stuff I never would have thought to search for, a girl with a manual blender up her puss and they’re turning the handle. Girls getting cut with razor blades—looks real. I try to think of myself cutting a bitch with a razor blade but I can’t..I like straight sex. You have to be really bored to get off on cutting a bitch up, but respect, if that’s what gets you off.
I do a search for “bitch with a baseball bat up her cooter” and I get it, one hit. Some sick fucks stuck a baseball bat up a bitch’s cooter and put that picture on the internet.
I try a search for “hitting a bitch in the head with a baseball bat” and find some Faces of Death stuff, just a woman’s face being bashed in with a baseball bat, nothing interesting. You could see her brains coming out her eye sockets, but I didn’t see how you could masturbate to that. It was good for an entertainment, that’s it.
“Hold on, little man. I gots to get my rocks off before we take you out for a walk.”
He barks again.
“Settle down, ok? See what I’m doing here?”
Gotta get off quick. Any longer and stinky faggot is liable to come walking through that door.
Think of a good search.
“white pussies with massive black cocks”
“electric torture pussies (wires and shit)”
“gerbil in ass”
“gerbil in female ass”
“medical examination (medical gloves) male hand examining female pussy with hard porn elements and full soundtrack”
Nothing would get me off. I hated to do it but I went for my old standby.
“college girls getting fucked against their will hardcore”
It’s the only thing that gets me off. A few clicks and I was in paradise, tight-pussied chicks getting thrown against beds, walls, pressed to the floor. Chicks getting beaten in the face for not giving it up. Chicks drugged and fucked while they were passed out. Chicks getting fucked by their college professors. Freshman chicks getting fucked by seniors. Single chicks getting done by five guys. Chicks losing their virginity. Chicks getting banged so hard their teeth chatter together. Chicks getting tied up in the back of a pickup truck, fucked, and left in the woods. For creepy-crawly things to eat them, go inside their ears and infect their pussies. Discarded pussy. Pussy thrown aside after it was used.
It had to be college girls, too. I guess ’cause I’m in college. Old-ass bitches weren’t much good except for a titty-milking fantasy. Some white trash high school girl? Forget it. Dumb-ass bitches. I need to believe they’re smart, need to get with my librarian fantasy.
Little Miss Defiance was perfect..for now. Little freshman bitch? Book smart. Doesn’t take shit. Had the nerve to stand up to me in the coffee shop when I was with my boy. That’s the kind of girl it’s hard to get inside her panties. Prob’ly doesn’t drop ’em for just any guy. Which means that girl has a tight pussy. Prob’ly can’t even get two fingers inside it. When she fingers it she prob’ly does it with her pinky. Be rubbin’ her clit with that other pinky finger. Get those pussy juices flowin’.
That’s the kind of bitch I’d like to tie to her motherfuckin’ bed, put that bitch’s legs in the air and fuck. Get her wearin’ some white tights like that ballet-dancin’ bitch, go right up to her cooch. Cover that bitch’s face up with my hands so she can’t talk, then drop a load in that bitch. Right smack dab in the middle. She’s gonna make me cum! Tight little Laely, I’m gonna rub my dick in your pussy, Laely. Oh oh oh!
Well I had to bust out of there before stinky faggot came home and found my jizz stains all over his desk. I never jerk off at my own desk. That’s what stinky faggot’s desk is for.
I headed up to the fountain to see if Laely was there, but she wasn’t. It was all graduate hoes. You can never get pussy off a graduate ho. They’re too smart for that. You need you a freshman.
I looked and looked but all the freshman must have had classes to go to. They wasn’t a single freshman in sight.
The next few days I kept going back to the fountain. I figured Laely had to go back there, and she did. It was on a Wednesday that I found her.
“How’s it goin’?”
“Where’s your dog?”
“He’s back in the dorm. I can take you to see him if you like.”
“Is you ready for our second walk?”
“No, I have to study.”
“What is you studyin’?”
“Are you really interested?”
“What is the alternative?”
“That you want to get down my pants.”
“How I’s be fittin’ down your pants? You look like about a size..small.”
“If you don’t mind, I’m really not in the mood today.”
“What isn’t you in the mood for?”
“I’s is not going to take that personally, ’cause I’s don’t think you really mean it. But I’s going to let you make it up to me.”
“By suckin’ me cock.”
“Oh Jesus. Really. I’m reading. Find somewhere else to be.”
“I prefer to be’s here.”
“I prefer you didn’t.”
“You is a stallion. Is you aware that you is a stallion?”
“You’re comparing me to a horse.”
“I’m not sayin’ in your face. I mean some bitches they be lookin’ like horses all up in they faces. Horse bitches, me’s calls them. I’ve known me some horse bitches in my day. Could introduce you to some horse bitches, if you like. But that’s not what I’m sayin’ about you. I’m sayin’—have you ever seen the movie The Black Stallion?”
“When I was a kid.”
“Well has you read the book?”
“Well me likes the book. And the horse, when she gets wild, she reminds me of you. You is a wild bitch.”
“I’m pretty sure the horse in The Black Stallion is a guy.”
“To me she was always a girl.”
“That’s because you’re obsessed with girls.”
“How does you know that?”
“It’s obvious. It comes out in everything you say.”
“You is very observant.”
“I’m not stupid.”
“Me’s doesn’t think you are. Quite the opposite. Me thinks you be an extraordinary bitch.”
“Oh yeah? What do you think is extraordinary about me?”
“To start with, you’s have an extraordinary face. And you’s have an extraordinary body, I mean fine, fine body, any guy be wantin’ you.”
“Is that it? My face and my body?”
“No sir! You be thinkin’ me skin deep. Me likes you personality, ho. You’s got a bangin’ sensibility. Some call you Laely. I call you Little Miss D. It’s that defiance that first got me attracted to you, when you stood up to me in the coffeehouse.”
“You liked that, did you?”
“Well I’m standing up to you now, telling you to get out of my face and let me get back to my reading.”
“Why you gotta be like that?”
“Why is anyone the way they are?”
“You know what I mean. I’m standin’ here complimentin’ you and you gotta go and do me like that.”
“I appreciate the compliments. I can see that you’re interested in me.”
“I’m just not interested back. Sorry.”
“You ain’t gotta be sorry. It ain’t a bitch’s responsibility to like every guy that likes her. I understand. You in high demand. Hot pussy like that can do whatever it wants. You don’t need to be givin’ it up every time a guy say so. But I’s different. I don’t just be wantin’ to get in your pants.”
“That’s exactly what you want.”
“Nah, I’s be likin’ you for who you are, deep down.”
“You don’t even know me.”
“But what I sees, I likes.”
“My face, my body.”
“And yo’ defiance.”
“My defiance. That’s funny you call it that, my sister always said I was defiant.”
“She was right.”
“You can’t just walk up to a girl and start talking about pussy and hoes and bring your stupid dog up to impress her. You got to show a girl you really care, take her places—”
“I take you places.”
“And don’t interrupt her. Listen when she talks. Get to know her. Didn’t anyone ever teach you this?”
“I didn’t have no pops, so I’s been learnin’ on my own.”
“What happened to your pops?”
“He ain’t never pay no attention to me.”
“Is he dead or in jail or something?”
“Did he live with you?”
“Then how can you say you had no pops? You had a pops he just didn’t care.”
“Then be accurate. Say you had a pops and he didn’t care. You can’t just tell people you had no pops.”
“I guess you right. I is corrected.”
“It’s no problem.”
“I know it’s no problem.”
“Are you arguing with me?”
“Don’t argue with a bitch!”
“Look who’s gettin’ feisty now!”
“You don’t even know. I’m the feistiest bitch you’ll ever meet.”
“‘Cause you seem like more of a schooly type.”
“I am schooly! That don’t mean I’m not feisty. Everyone in my family is feisty.”
“Tell me about you’s family.”
“Do you really care?”
“No, I’s just wants to get down your pants. Yes I care!”
“Ok. My sister, is older. She’s the risk taker. My mom is a nurse. My dad is a pilot. My sister raised me, we ate Ramen noodles and watched old movies. Like black-and-white ones. Lots of musicals. We used to sing the songs at the top of our lungs until Mom got home. Now tell me about your family.”
“Well. We is raised in the ghetto. Me pops, he was a serial assassin—”
“No he wasn’t.”
“Why you wanna know about my family?”
“This is what people do. When they meet each other.”
“Is we meetin’ each other?”
“No. I’m just showing you how.”
“You is a good teacher.”
“Just shut up and tell me what your father does.”
“It’s somethin’ in real estate, me’s not exactly sure.”
“And your mom?”
“She teaches yoga.”
“So how did you get into the gangsta shit?”
“Me begs your pardon?”
“Forget it. If you want to play games, find some other girl. In fact, find some other girl anyway.”
“I guess I just heard it on the records, you know.”
“Like Eminem and shit?”
“Him. And others. Is you really interested or do you just want to get down me pants?”
“You know what, forget it. I’ve spent way too much time already.”
“No. Show me. How people meet people.”
“Well. They don’t talk about getting down each other’s pants all the time.”
“No. They talk about normal things. Like we were doing. Like what kind of music they like and what they study and where they’re from. Then they progress to the more intimate topics.”
“What is these more intimate topics?”
“Sex and love. You and I are not going to be discussing these things.”
“So we stick to the more..superficial..shall we say?”
“I think you’re smarter than you let on.”
“I think a person don’t often be rewarded for being smart, what do you think?”
“I think you’re right. But I think a person doesn’t have to hide their smarts just because people don’t understand. Just be yourself.”
“I is bein’ myself, I’s is just bein’ a certain version of myself.”
“Well keep it up. But I think the gangsta talk is unnecessary.”
“I’s be takin’ what you sayin’ under consideration. But I’s be askin’ you to consider something in return.”
“That you’s be comin’ out on a date with me. A proper date. We’s be goin’ up in the club, a club of my choosin’, and we interact in the ritualistic matin’ activities of the North American species.”
“You want to dance?”
“Can you even dance?”
“I’s gives it me best.”
“So is we goin’?”
“You’s is turnin’ me down?”
“You’s is busy every night?”
“I’m busy in general. Why don’t you go out and find some other girl who suits your particular pussy fancy, get her drunk and fuck her brains out?”
“Why doesn’t I do that?”
“Why don’t you do that, yes.”
“I’s doesn’t do that because that other girl won’t be you.”
“Please. You just met me. Find some other ‘bitch’ who has less on her plate and doesn’t mind being smacked around by your gangsta ass.”
“I’s don’t smack bitches.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. You treat ‘bitches’ real well, starting with calling them bitches. I’m sorry if I offended your delicate shell.”
“Why won’t you come on a date with me?”
“Because I’m scared. I’m scared of meeting you in the daylight. I’m scared that you won’t take no for an answer in a little matter of me needing to do my reading, but instead I’m here with you going through the A B Cs of the mating ritual. Is that reason enough for you?”
“No, because me isn’t scary. Me is a nice guy who wants to take you on a date to a public place where we could drink and dance and do things that normal college students do.”
“I just don’t want to. Ok?”
“What is the chances of you changin’ your mind?”
“Well do you mind if I sit down next to you?”
“No. I have to read.”
“I can’t just sit here quietly while you read?”
“I don’t know, can you sit here quietly?”
“It will be difficult sitting next to you.”
“Then don’t sit down.”
“Do you’s mind if I meet you here tomorrow?”
“Oh, man, this is my favorite reading spot. You’re telling me you’re going to ruin it by coming here every day?”
“So you is going to be here tomorrow?”
“I might be.”
“Well I’s might be too. Let’s just leave it at that.”
She was there the next day. I had brought me book. I went up to her and sat down beside. Then I opened me book.
“What are you doing?”
“Me is reading.”
“What is you reading? Geez you’ve got me doing it.”
“Talking like an idiot.”
“Me’s don’t wants to interrupt you, so you go ahead and me’s just sits here and read me’s book.”
“What is your book? A Brief History of Antagonistical Politics for the Discerning Reader? Is this your major?”
“No, this is me’s pet subject area. Me unofficial area of concentration. What be your area of concentration, Little Miss?”
“Political theory. Did you get that book just to impress me?”
“No, and I don’t expects this book to impress you.”
“Does it impress you?”
“It be marginal.”
“Then why are you reading it?”
“Because me wants to have a more complete picture of the subject area, and this be an important author. Don’t lets me interrupt you, though, me’s has no intention of getting on your bad side, Little Miss. Goes forth with your reading and I’s goes forth with mine. We’s be two little peas in a pod sittin’ on this beautiful fountain with these other people. We’s all be academians, and it be’s right and proper.”
She look me over, and it be like she not know what to be thinkin’. She had a mixture of emotions flowing out of her and I knew that she was feelin’ the special feelin’s between her legs. She had a kitty cat down there and as you well know cats like to be pet. Rawr rawr! I wants to pet that kitty and treat it nice, then train it to jump when I say jump, train it to open its mouth and take me in. I be stuffin’ that cat full of dick with a plumpness. Be gettin’ its belly full. Pettin’ that cat like meow! Meow! Danger cat. Freaky cat. I was startin’ to wish that that pussy had the slightest bit of hair on it, not shaved like I usually like ’em. Not hairy though—I turn a bitch away for havin’ hair on her pussy.
“‘Scuse me Little Miss.”
“What you readin’ over there?”
She shows me.
“Benjamin Barber. Keen. Keen stuff. I like Benjamin Barber. Haven’t read his later work. But yeah, good guy.”
“You’ve read Benjamin Barber?”
“Of course I has read him. What the fuck you think I be doin’ around here, playin’ with me dick?”
“Ok, ok. Take no offense brother. It just doesn’t seem like the sort of thing you would read.”
“What do you think I be readin’? Playboy and Maxim?”
“I don’t know what you read. I barely know you.”
“Well gets to know a brotha.”
“Me is sorry. Me’s doesn’t want to bother Little Miss D. Please continue with your reading. Me’s be quiet, me’s promise.”
“Is you saying that me’s being here is not causing a problem for you?”
“No, not at the moment.”
“Me is glad to hear that.”
So I lets her read. And I lets her absorb her Benjamin Barber. I’s dabble in a little political philosophy from time to time, I’s can keep up with that bitch.
I look around. There are plenty of fly bitches at this fountain but me has found the one. Little Miss Laely D., reader of Benjamin Barber and possessor of the tightest pussy in the land (presumed). I presumes that bitch has a tight pussy and I presumes that she keeps it tight with running and yoga and Kegel exercises. I can’t abide a bitch with a loose pussy. Little Miss D. wouldn’t do that to me, after all the work I’m puttin’ in. She wouldn’t.
“Does you have a tight pussy?”
“Don’t worry about my pussy.”
“Me’s is just curious.”
“Read your book.”
So me’s opened me book and read. First I read about Anthropological Misfits and Their Relation to the Common Whole (that was a chapter). Then I was starting to look at the pictures of females protesting with their breasteses hanging out and I was thinking of why it’s Not Appropriate to Masturbate in Public when Monkeys Do It and then I had this elaborate fantasy of fucking Laely in the fountain right behind us and water going in and out of her pussy as I fucked it. I wanted to make her cum against her will, because I knew she didn’t want me to do it to her but I wanted it to be so good that she came anyway. I wanted to see her face go through the pleasurable contortions of climax and her whole body be in my control. I wanted her pussy to be so tight it gripped me like a gator-grip twat, like some beast wrassling my dick to the ground. But I would win, pounce on that bitch with a stiff cock and beat her into mush, until she was all squishy parts and female juices. That’s a bitch’s job: to be soft and wet.
I closed my book and looked at Laely. I didn’t make any facade that I wasn’t looking at her. I just looked.
“What are you looking at?”
“Why you don’t want me lookin’ at you?”
“Because I’m worried about what you might be thinking.”
“Just normal thoughts.”
So I looked some more.
“Seriously, what are you looking at?”
“I is lookin’ at you.”
“Does I make you uncomfortable?”
“What is you afraid I is gonna do? We is in public. Nothing’s going to happen.”
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“‘Cause you is Little Miss Defiance. You is not afraid of anyone.”
“Are you done with your book?”
“I is done with it for now.”
“Then maybe it’s time for you to go find a new one.”
“I brings another one tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? You’re telling me there’s going to be a tomorrow?”
“I hopes so.”
“I mean with us. I don’t think I can deal with there being a tomorrow.”
“Well you is going to haves to deal with it.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I wants to be with you, I said that.”
“You expect me to believe that you really like me.”
“I do really likes you. What’s so hard to believe?”
“What if I told you I like women?”
“I would say that’s hot.”
“As in: I don’t like you. I like pussy, not cock. Get lost.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why not? I could be a lesbian.”
“And me thinks lesbians are hot.”
“But they don’t want to have sex with you.”
“But I wants to have sex with them.”
“You’re off in your fantasy land about lesbians who really like cock. I’m talking about real lesbians, muff divers, girls who like girls.”
“I don’t think you’re a lesbian.”
“How would you know?”
“Because of the way you respond to me.”
“First of all: I don’t respond to you. I’m repulsed by you.”
“No you isn’t.”
“Don’t tell me who I’m repulsed by, ok? That’s my business.”
“You want me.”
“What? No I don’t.”
“You want to be touched by someone. I can see it in your eyes.”
“Maybe I want to be touched by someone but it sure isn’t you.”
“You think I can make you happy. When I touch you. That I could touch you just right.”
“You just don’t stop, do you? I don’t want to be with you. We’re never getting together. I’m tolerating you out of the goodness of my heart because you seem pathetic and you obviously don’t have any friends. You carry around that book which you obviously haven’t read—”
“I has read this book, bitch.”
“Ok, you read it. Can you leave me alone now?”
“I think you likes me.”
“Maybe, I find some charm in your ridiculous way of talking and the fact that under that shell you don’t seem to be a complete idiot.”
“So you does like me.”
“Not in the way you want.”
“Me can live with that.”
“Which is pathetic. Shouldn’t you be with a girl who listens to Tupac and lets you fuck her in the ass? Someone with a hair weave and a crack habit the size of Montana?”
“You is really smart, isn’t you? You thinks that I have a drug problem because I talks this way. I don’t do drugs, bitch. You don’t know anything about me except for me dog Seymour and that me likes to read and that me likes you. I ain’t for discriminatin’, bitch. I like equal-opportunity hoes. I want to mess up your pussy like something bad..I mean bad. You’s a hot ho. I ain’t playin’ about that. I want a piece of that ass like Martha Stewart want a piece of cherry pie. I thinks you and me would be good together. But I know you ain’t down with all that. So I’m sittin’ here with you readin’. You don’t want to fuck me, ok. I can handle that. But let me sit here with you ’cause I think you’re beautiful. We can even do some conversation. I be readin’ what you be readin’, bitch. Check that.”
“Stop calling me bitch.”
“I be callin’ you whatever you want to be called, ho.”
“Call me Laely.”
“Laely you is.”
“I just want to sit here quietly.”
“Then we sit here quietly.”
“You don’t tell me any more about how you want to have sex with me. I don’t want to hear that.”
“No more sex talk.”
“Can we’s meet here tomorrow?”
She looks up.
“Don’t get cold on me..Laely.”
“If we meet here tomorrow you bring a new book so you have something to read.”
“I brings a new book.”
“Then yes we can meet here tomorrow.”
“Hello. Me not bugs you today. Me reads.”
“What are you reading?”
“Polemical Africa: A Retrospective in Strangeness.”
“Who wrote that?”
“It’s anonymous? That’s strange.”
“Yes it say right here: A Retrospective in Strangeness.”
“I mean it’s strange that it’s anonymous.”
“I knows what you mean. Is we readin’ now or what?”
“We can talk for a little while if you want to.”
“Fine. But only if you chooses the subjects ’cause all me subjects are off limits.”
“That’s ’cause your only subject is sex.”
“We’s could talk about Polemical Africa.”
“I don’t know anything about that.”
“So you’s don’t knows everything.”
“I never said I did.”
“You just acts like it.”
“Sorry. Just me observation.”
“I didn’t mean to act like that. I know you..know things.”
“You think you on a different level, though. A level that could never touch me. Like I’m down here..and you up there.”
“I don’t think that.”
“Is you sure?”
“Yes, I is sure. I don’t think you’re on an untouchable level. I think you have a strange way of presenting yourself but you do seem smart.”
“So I’s seems smart to you.”
“Yes, you do, after some conversation.”
“So I’s takes some getting to know, haha. But you getting to know me now!”
“For whatever reason.”
“See..why do you do that? You cast me off.”
“Well you have a way of forcing your intimacy, it makes me uncomfortable from time to time.”
“I’s sorry. I’s not do that anymore.”
“You will, though. You will.”
“I’s try not to.”
“I appreciate that. You just have a grating way about you.”
“Maybe you’s not need to tell me about all me flaws.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m choosing to interact with you and as long as I’m choosing that I owe you the respect of not critiquing you to your face.”
“Sometimes friends be helpin’ each other by critiquin’.”
“But sometimes people be hurtin’ each other by critiquin’, dude.”
“Why you call me dude?”
“Because. I’m trying to get into your whole gangsta thing.”
“Gangsta thing and dude thing be two separate things, dude.”
She laughs. I makes Laely laugh. I is makin’ progress.
“Maybe you lets me take you out for drinks, dude.”
“Hold it right there, dude.”
“Drinks, Laely, let a brotha take you out for drinks.”
“I don’t think we’re quite there yet.”
“What more does we need to get there?”
“I don’t know. A lot. We might never get there.”
“Like ever ever?”
“Like ever ever.”
“What is drinks? We is practically havin’ drinks right now. Except we isn’t in a bar. That’s the only difference.”
“And we’re not drinking alcohol.”
“That’s the other difference. See? Havin’ drinks be not much different than what we doin’ anyway. If we be drinkin’ we leave the books at home of course.”
“I don’t know that I’m ready to have drinks with you.”
“Well if you gets ready, please know, I is ready to have drinks with you.”
“That’s sweet. It really is sweet. You’re a sweet person.”
“You don’t like to have drinks with sweet people?”
“I do. I have gone out for drinks before.”
“And. This lucky gentleman who had drinks with you..where did you meet him?”
“Who says it was a gentleman?”
“What? You is into the muff?”
“Ok. Yes. It was a gentleman. And I met him in class, since you want to know.”
“So if you and I has classes together, we would be havin’ drinks by now?”
“Not necessarily. It depends on a variety of factors. The most important of which is where my heart takes me. Do I feel it with a particular guy. Doesn’t your heart guide you?”
“My heart guided me to you.”
“Thanks, but I’m talking about when you really like someone.”
“I do really likes you.”
“No you don’t.”
“Yes I do. I likes you since the moment I met you.”
“In the coffeehouse when I became Little Miss Defiance.”
“Yes. When you became Little Miss Defiance. I like when a girl defies me. It turn me on. You is the first girl to turn me on in a long time.”
“You’re talking about being turned on. I’m talking about where your heart leads you.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Yours is purely sexual. Mine includes aspects of the emotional self, the social self, the spiritual self.”
“My spiritual self is sexual.”
“I’m serious. Ain’t sex spiritual to you? When I be makin’ love, that shit be spiritual as fuck. I be seein’ angels and shit, be havin’ sex with angels and seein’ the Holy Spirit come down to me and be spreadin’ light and happiness on me and the bitch I be havin’ sex with. It be profound.”
“I could shows you if you want.”
“Don’t you want to be seein’ angels and havin’ your bells rung and shit?”
“Yes, by me.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want to have my bells rung just now.”
“You is an uptight bitch.”
“Because I won’t fuck you?”
“You won’t even talk about it. This is lame.”
“Well I’m sorry if I’m so lame to you.”
“I’s be wantin’ to have fun with a bitch. You be wantin’ to shut a brotha down.”
“I’m sorry if this isn’t fun for you.”
“It be more fun if you let me lick your pussy.”
“Yeah, let me just take my pants off.”
“Has you ever had your pussy licked before?”
“All the time. I lick it myself. It’s a great trick.”
“I’s be likin’ to see that.”
“I’m kidding! You think a girl can lick her own pussy, you really are dumb.”
“I’s be tryin’ to suck my own dick.”
“I bet you do.”
“Any luck with that?”
“Not so far.”
“Well keep it up, I’m sure you’ll get there.”
“I’s keeps it up, then.”
“Yeah, do that.”
“You could help a brotha out, you know.”
“Suck on a nigga’s bone.”
“I can’t imagine a less-appealing way to state that.”
“What? Has you ever sucked on a nigga’s bone before?”
“Please, make it stop.”
“Make what stop?”
“Would you like to suck on my bone, Laely?”
“That’s a sincere offer!”
“I’m sure it is. What do I get in return?”
“I licks your pussy.”
“You don’t want to have your pussy licked? I hear it feels real good.”
“I think you have to have the right person licking it for that to be the case.”
“I bet I licks you so good you thinks I’s the right person.”
“You had a lot of experience with this?”
“I licks pussy all the time!”
“I’m not gonna lick your bone, nigga. Is that clear enough for you? We have a sitting-by-the-fountain thing, not an oral sex thing, not a real sex thing, not a sex thing at all. I’m uncomfortable with this conversation.”
“Then I stops.”
“You is welcome, Laely. Me doesn’t want to makes you uncomfortable.”
“Maybe it’s time we stop our session for today.”
“Me likes to have sessions with you.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“Doesn’t you like it?”
“No. Not really.”
“I tries harder, then.”
“Why don’t you just find some other defiant bitch?”
“Because you got that special something.”
“What are the chances? What are the chances that I meet you? If I hadn’t gone to the coffeehouse that day we never would have met.”
“I thinks we would have met either way. We was meant to be together.”
“Now you’re scaring me a little bit.”
“Come out for drinks with me tonight, Laely.”
“Sorry but it’s just not going to happen.”
“One drink we share between us—half a drink.”
“No thank you.”
“Come for a walk with me, to my dorm. We can meet Seymour.”
“I’m not going to your dorm.”
“Fine. We can go to your dorm.”
“No! Let’s just..keep it at the fountain. That’s what I’m comfortable with.”
“What if I brings me boys along while we haves our drink, so there is, like, other people there?”
“That would be a step in the right direction.”
“And you brings you girls, that way it’s like..a whole bunch of people, all having drinks, and it isn’t so much pressure on you and me to be like a couple and shit.”
“We are not a couple.”
“You would be willing to have your boys there and I could bring my friends?”
“Absolutely. I’s is just lookin’ for a good time.”
“Is you agreein’ to me proposal?”
“No, I’m just talking theoretically. If we were to go out, what bar?”
“Any bar you choose.”
“Don’t call me bitch, remember?”
“I’s is sorry.”
“Do you think you can remember, for a whole night, not to call women bitches?”
“For you’s I try.”
“I don’t need you to try. I need you to do it. I can’t stand hearing you talk that way. It turns me off, understand?”
“Does that mean that sometimes you is turned on?”
“No, it does not mean that!”
“I is just playin’.”
“Ok. Haha. Very funny. Just don’t call women bitches, ok?”
“Ok. Me’s try for a whole night.”
“Try for your whole life.”
“That be kinda extreme and me is gonna ignore that you say that.”
“You’re right. I’m not trying to change you.”
“I is my own person.”
“So is we doin’ this?”
“Yeah, for reals.”
“Should I bring my boys?”
“No, just the fact that you’re willing to is ok.”
“You want me to meet you at your dorm?”
“Let’s meet at the bar.”
“Ok, girl, you ain’ts going to regret this.”
“One drink, bitch! That’s all I be askin’ for in the first place!”
Laely gives me a grave look.
“One drink,” I say.
I shows up early and there be fly bitches everywhere. I be’s havin’ trouble keepin’ me dick in me pants. There was part of me that wanted to head on over to the bar and see if I could pick me up some straight hoes for the evening. But then there was part of me who knew that Laely was comin’, so I waited by the door.
When Laely be gettin’ there, me eyes came out of me sockets. That bitch wore a red dress, tight as hell, short all the way to her little ass.
“Are we going inside?”
I opened the door for Laely.
She went in and said, “Look who’s quiet all of a sudden. You didn’t think I could dress up?”
“I didn’t think you was going to dress up for me. Is me..under dressed?”
“You is fine too, Laely, you is a fine bitch.”
She put her hand out to me. She was bein’ all flirty and shit, and I thought, this is the real deal. Me’s hit the jackpot. Virgin freshman pussy (for I was suspecting this bitch to be a virgin). Here in the palm of my hand. I extended my hand out to her.
“Buy me a drink,” she says.
“I buys you whatever you want.”
“Buy me a Tom Collins.”
“My bitch be drinkin’ Tom Collins’s! Yo sir! Get me two Tom Collins’s, stat. My bitch be needin’ a drink!”
“Let’s find a table.”
“You prefer we be sittin’ at a table?”
“Here is a table right over here!”
“I go get our drinks. You wait right here.”
“I’ll be here.”
So I wents to get me drinks and when the man was makin’ ’em me decided to tell him me good fortune.
“You see my bitch over there? That be a bad academic defiant son of a motherfuckin’ bitch. And I’m pretty sure that bitch be a virgin, too. That bad bitch is my bad bitch. I be knockin’ boots. Give her drink extra alcohol, ok? I need to get this bitch in bed. You think she got panties on? I like a bad bitch wear no panties. Take her out back of the building and slip my dick in, fuck that bitch like ain’t gonna be no second chances, you know what I’m sayin’? Gimme my motherfuckin’ drinks.”
“That’ll be twenty dollars.”
“Fuck you. Here’s ten.”
I took my Tom Collins’s back to Laely and I set hers in front of her.
“Laely, you look fine, you do. You really outdid yourself.”
“I’m glad you like it. Thanks for the drink.”
“You is welcome.”
“I’ve been looking for a chance to wear this dress.”
“Well I’m glad you took a chance on me.”
“Mmm! This is a good Tom Collins!”
“You think so? I thought he was a shitty bartender.”
“Yeah it’s great!”
“You know, it’s great when a girl really lets you know what she’s thinking. I like when a girl is open like that, not all closed off with her feelin’s and shit. I like to know what a girl is thinkin’.”
“What am I thinking?”
“That you’re glad to be here, that you like your drink, that you glad to be with me and that you like bein’ sexy all out on the town and shit, not just readin’ by the fountain like you always is.”
“It is nice to be out.”
“Is you glad to be out with me?”
“Is you makin’ fun of me?”
“A little..but it’s not a bad thing.”
“So it ain’t no bad thing, no?”
“You just like to make fun of the way I talk.”
Laely smiles. She has this knock-out beautiful smile.
“You wants another drink?”
“Not quite yet.”
“But you is havin’ another drink?”
“Probably. Do you want to dance?”
“You want to be dancin’ with me?”
She nods. She’s got the straw in her mouth.
She laughs. “Let me finish my drink.”
“You be doin’ whatever you wants, Laely. You takes your time with that shit. I just be chillin’, lookin’ at you.”
I watches her finish her drink, and at least once she has that straw in her mouth and she’s lookin’ at me with those big eyes and I knows that she wants my bone in her mouth. She be signallin’ me! This bitch want to get fucked! Why else would she be drinkin’ like that, ‘cept to drive me mad!? Mad hips, mad legs, mad pussy yo!
“Are you ready?” she says around the straw.
So we goes to the dance floor, and she leads me with one hand yo, and I’m thinkin’, am I the luckiest man in the world that tonight I’m gonna get to sleep with this bitch?! This be one fine sensitive bitch! This ain’t be yo’ regular-type ho, with a nasty cooter and an attitude. This be a pure and kind, tight-pussy-havin’, nice-girl student with a 3.0 grade point average—maybe higher! This be the kind of bitch ain’t never sucked a dick in her life!
She starts dancin’, and that girl has moves! She’s dancin’ all sexy like and so I put it into gear and do what I can. All the times I just want to scream, “This bitch is with me!” And then me starts thinkin’ about kissing her, getting all slobbery and sticking my tongue down her throat. Her boobs brush up against me on the dancefloor and I wonder if she feel it in her nipple. Then my dick starts getting hard.
We’re dancing and I be lookin’ at her crotch, thinkin’ what she got under the hood and I develop this real fat woody woodster. I grab my cock, tryin’ to play it off real cool.
“Stop grabbing your cock.”
“Stop grabbing your cock!”
“You gave me wood.”
She looks down, and I hopes she is impressed. “Do you wanna sit down?”
“I think I need ice.”
“Aww, poor baby. Let’s sit down.”
So we sit down, and my wood goes away, and we have drink after drink after drink. Pretty soon we is all shits and giggles.
“To by drinking buddy,” Laely says. “No wait I mean my reading buddy. To the award given for number of consecutive days that a person is given for sitting by the fountain and harassing a freshman while sporting a dog and a fake gangsta accent.”
“My accent ain’t fake yo. Laely, I gotta ask you somethin’.”
“What do you gotta ask me?”
“Is you a virgin?”
“What the fuck do you care if I’m a virgin? It has absolutely no relevance.”
“Well, when we’re fucking later, I want to know if I should go easy on you, so it is relevant.”
“L-o-el! You’re funny. There’s not going to be any fucking. Maybe some dick sucking. But that’s it.” She points at me.
“But how does you know..that once we get started, you won’t wants to fuck?”
“Why don’t you buy me another drink and we’ll talk about it, reading buddy.”
So I buys that bitch another drink.
“To reading buddies!”
“To my reading buddy. Also soon to be my dick sucking buddy.”
“Do you need your dick sucked, is that the problem?”
“That’s the problem.”
“Why don’t you get a girlfriend?”
“You is my girlfriend.”
“We’re reading buddies, my friend, and that’s all we are.”
“Well now we’re dancing buddies and drinking buddies too.”
“And soon you is gonna have my dick in your mouth.”
“We’ll see, we’ll see. I haven’t been known to have too many dicks in my mouth so the chances aren’t good when it comes to yours. Nothing personal.”
“Nothing personal taken.”
“Although you seem to have a big one. Nice job.”
“Thank you. Would you like to touch it?”
“So maybes later then?”
“Once you get the tip of it in your mouth you’re gonna want to swallow the whole thing, I can promise you.”
“Is this what you think reading buddies talk about?”
“This is exactly what theys talk about.”
“Oh, reading buddy.” She reaches her hand out to mine, and we’re touching while she talks. “You took me by surprise, I admit. And you’re the last person I thought I’d be attracted to. But underneath your comical exterior, there’s a certain honesty that means something to me. My girlfriends would think I’m crazy—to go out with someone who refers to women as bitches. But I can see that you do it in kind of an endearing way.”
“So is we goin’ out now?”
“We’re out. We went out. How ’bout this: if we go out a second time, then we’re going out. Until then, the jury’s still out on that one.”
“Woulds you like another drink?”
“How much money have you spent on us already? No, let’s go buy a forty, or some cough syrup.”
“Is you kiddin’?”
“Me is kiddin’. Why don’t you come to my place? I have a bottle of Absolut and my roomie’s out getting wasted. You can come to my place on the condition that you continue being as good as you have been tonight. I have mace.” She laughs.
Me laughs back. “I have mace, too, bitch. And when you be jumpin’ my bones I be sprayin’ that shit all in your hair and shit.”
“You’re supposed to spray it in my eyes.”
“Alright. Then I be sprayin’ it in your eyes.”
“Seriously, just be good.”
“I will be.”
“I might even suck your cock.”
“Well let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I might be wantin’ to suck on your pussy first.”
“Oh no, that’s not going to happen.”
“A girl sucking a guy’s cock is..like..nothing. The other way around? It’s much more intimate.”
“According to you.”
“Exactly! According to me. Do you wanna argue or do you want to come to my place?”
On the way to that bitch’s house Laely could hardly stand up. Those Tom Collins’s had really done a number on her and she had to lean on yours truly to be able to walk home.
She lived in Baxter, one of the academic dorms, and that bitch lived on the second floor. When we got to her door she turned to me.
“You promise to be good.”
“I promises. At the rate we goin’ I’s just goin’ to have to tuck you in and go home, you is so slopped.”
“I is sorry,” she says deliberately. “I is tryin’ to be a good girl. But I’s a bad girl at heart.”
This got my dick hard. I was imaginin’ placin’ me fingers between that girl’s legs and feelin’ how wet she be gettin’ at the thought of me cock. Be slippin’ me fingers inside her, all sly like.
She opens the door.
“You say your roomie is out for the evening?”
“Yes she’s out getting sloshed.”
“Does you two like to get sloshed together and do like lesbo things together in the bottom bunk?”
“We’re both straight.”
“But how is you sure?”
And do you know what that bitch did? That bitch reaches out and she grabs me cock..well, kind of cups me cock in her hand, then pulls her hand back.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Laely, you is a bad bitch. You is a bad bitch at heart. Without the Tom Collins’s, I think you be havin’ too much of what they call conscience, but you is a fun bitch to hang out with, believe that.”
“You wanna have some vodka?”
“I’s always wanna be havin’ vodka with you.”
So Laely hands me the bottle. I’s takes the cap off and swigs a little bit of Absolut, then passes that bottle back to that bitch. She takes a big ole swig, puttin’ me to shame, and I have to go in for another pass.
Pretty soon that bitch’s eyes be rollin’ back in her head. She be lyin’ back on her bed and her panties be showin’ up between her legs. I reaches out and touches her between her legs.
She moves my hand away.
“What?” me say.
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’ts you want me to give you pleasure?”
“No, I don’t want you to give me pleasure.”
“Then why dids you invite me here?”
“To drink with me.”
“Then let’s drink, bitch.”
So we drinks some more. Laely stands up so I don’t touch her pussy no more. She smooths her dress down so she ain’t exposed. But I’s seen ’em, I’s seen her panties, and I’s know they there, and I knows I’s gonna have ’em. So she can stands however she wants, ’cause I knows that underneath that dress is a fresh little twist, waiting to be cum upon.
“Laely, why don’ts you have another drink?”
“What do you think this is?”
“I don’t knows.”
“This is another drink.”
“Oh, I sees.”
“Let’s get really fucking wasted.”
“I agrees. We get wasted and then I sits on your face.”
“Stop talking like that.”
“Is you gonna be suckin’ on me bone this evenin’?”
“I doubt it. Just drink with me. Let’s talk about what we’re reading.”
“I think you may have a drinking problem.”
“Everyone has a drinking problem.”
“I think you has had too many Tom Collins’s.”
“Shut up. You were drinking ’em too.”
“But I think with you body type, Laely, that you should watch what you drink.”
“I drink what I want. You got a problem with it?”
“I got a problem with you draggin’ me all the way back here and then leavin’ me cold, girl.”
“Leaving you cold?”
“Why don’t you be suckin’ on a nigga’s bone?”
“Oh, get the fuck out of here with that.”
“No, YOU get the fuck out of here with that!”
And I slapped that bitch.
She grabs her face.
She goes for the door.
Me’s runs on top of her and grabs that bitch by the hair.
“HELP!” she starts to yell—
But I’s clocks that bitch in the back of the head and she falls to the floor. That bitch’s face hits the floor—it goes SMACK!
There she is, lyin’, Laely face down with her red dress, her legs spread apart, she brings a hand to her mouth and gets blood on it. Then she tries to get up and I CRACK my foot into the back of that bitch’s head. She goes limp.
I check her pulse. She’s alive, just passed out like a stupid lush. Turn that bitch over. Her eyes are half open, and there’s a trickle of blood coming out that bitch’s mouth.
I kick that bitch. She don’t move.
I take another swig of the Absolut. Call my boy.
“Tic Toc. Yo. What you up to? Listen, homie, I’ve got the opportunity of a lifetime for you, fool. Got this bitch knocked up in Baxter, 211. What? No, not pregnant. No, she knocked out. Yeah! Get your ass up here homie. Bring Macro. Did you hear me? Get Macrobiotik’s dumb ass up here, get him some real pussy for a change. Yeah, Baxter, 211. Don’t be takin’ your time and shit, this a limited-time offer.”
I check that bitch again, and she be calm. Seem like the Tom Collins’s be puttin’ that bitch to sleep.
So I check around that bitch’s apartment, I be lookin’ through her drawers and shit. She got tons of books. Then I find her panty drawer, and that bitch be havin’ some sexy panties. But what? What’s this? In the bottom of her panty drawer be a little white vibrator. This bitch not be a virgin after all! Have the white plastic dick passin’ between her pussy lips and going inside! I throw that dildo on that bitch’s body.
“Stupid ho! Be cheatin’ on me with no dildo!”
I kneel by that bitch’s body and pulls up her dress. It’s just her sweet pussy-ness, covered with them white panties. I pull them panties off and stuff ’em in my pocket.
Bitch be shaved clean as a baby.
I’m ready to go, but I want to wait for Tic Toc and them. I’m killin’ time goin’ through that bitch’s desk and I find a tube of pumpkin spice-flavored yeast infection cream. I be startin’ to think this not be such a good deal. If this bitch has yeast infections. Is it worth it to have your dick fall off?
Then Tic Toc and Macrobiotik get there. While I’m lettin’ ’em in the door this guy comes out of the room across the hall and he sees the body lyin’ on the floor of 211.
“What be your name, man?”
“Kevin, your girl be givin’ it up?”
“You be gettin’ laid tonight, Kevin?”
“My girlfriend sucks dick, but that’s it.”
“Well get your ass inside, Kevin, and catch a piece of this clean academic pussy.”
The four of us went inside.
“I be goin’ first, since I discovered this bitch. Now get your dicks out and be gettin’ ready ’cause we’s gots to make this quick.”
“Where did you find this bitch, man?”
“She’s that bitch from the coffeehouse! You remember that bitch?”
“Oh, yeah, that defiant bitch.”
“She ain’t so defiant now!”
My dick was already hard from seein’ her lay there like that with all her power gone out of her and I got down between her legs and put the tip of my dick right at the entrance to her pussy and I be shovin’ and pushin’ and holdin’ onto that bitch’s neck to get her to come around me. Laely was wakin’ up and makin’ the slightest sounds and I had to slap that bitch as a warning.
“You keep quiet, bitch, or I’m’onna kill you.” I was right in her face. And my dick went inside her and I felt her all warm and wet around me. And I fucked. I fucked that bitch so good I could feel her cervix. And then when she had me going good and I was looking in her bloody face I came in that bitch real good, splashed my cum up inside her. Then I got off her and looked at Tic Toc.
“Do your thing, man.”
“That bitch is bleedin’.”
I looked down. She was bleeding from the pussy.
“We breakin’ this bitch in!”
So Sherman fucked her, then Macrobiotik, then Kevin, and all the while we could hear the little whimpers coming from Laely’s mouth, and she held her arms together over her chest, hands clasped like she was a little girl praying.
“Did you’s cum? Did you’s cum inside that bitch? She feel good, don’t she? That’s a prime cut of USDA pussy, extra pasteurized, grade A meat. They don’t make ’em like that anymore, boys. If that bitch moves just kick her.”
When everyone was done and sufficiently tired out, we sat around her room drinking vodka. Laely passed out. Surprised she didn’t piss herself.
We undressed her, took off her dress and her bra and her shoes and I found a fatty-fat Magic Marker and we wrote all over her body. We wrote things like CUNT and SLUT and PORN STAR. I found her labia and wrote OPEN HERE with arrows pointing at her cunt, with them clean pussy lips. We wrote on her face CUM DUMSTER. That was on her forehead. Then we colored in that bitch’s lips. When we was done, that bitch’s entire body was covered with text. I stuck the Magic Marker in her pussy.
Then I made those slags take out their dicks once more with the intention of cumming in her face.
“I can’t cum again, man!”
“Stroke your fucking dick! Cum on that bitch’s face!”
Macrobiotik shot a fat load in her eye.
“Good job man!”
“I can’t do it again this quick.”
“Can you pee?”
“Then piss all over that bitch’s face.”
So Kevin and Tic Toc pissed in that bitch’s face, running in her eyes and down the side of her face till the room smelled like a zoo.
Clothes were everywhere, the contents of her drawers emptied, Magic Markers all over the floor, Laely lying on her back stark naked, the red dress crumpled at her head.
I grab the bottle of Absolut and we quietly let ourselves out of the room. I pull the door to and it locks.
“You’re stealin’ that bitch’s vodka?”
I take a swig. “Bitch drinks too much anyway.”
We went our separate ways, Tic Toc and Macrobiotik disappearing down the hill and Kevin going up toward State Street. And I was all alone, walkin’ back to me room in the middle of the night.
Me thought of that bitch we had left in Baxter, 211. That bitch had asked for it. She had grabbed me crotch and was obviously dressed for the occasion. Some bitches don’t know when to stop. They get theyselves into these type of messes, drinkin’ and actin’ like a motherfuckin’ cocktease. They invite this shit. I ain’t got no sympathy for a fuckin’ cocktease.
That bitch was born a whore. Lived every day of her life as a whore. Just didn’t know it yet. Some bitches is like that. They don’t know theyselves. They think they be little angels. In reality they be whores. Takes someone like me to teach ’em.
A whore will beg for cock. Beg you for it like that bitch back there begged for it. Dressin’ with her panties all stickin’ out her legs, dress half on—she beggin’ for cock.
A bitch like that want to get fucked. Ain’t never been fucked in her life. But needs cock, needs it like you or I needs air. She be playin’ around with dildos but a bitch like that wants the real thing, hard and hot between her legs.
I ain’t got no sympathy for a whore. A whore like that whore back there get everything she ask for.
She prob’ly be wakin’ up now, takin’ that Magic Marker out her pussy, be like, what the fuck just happened? Why am I naked? Then she look in the mirror.
Then she realize: I is a whore. I attracts the worst class of men. I deserves to get fucked every which way to Sunday, ’cause I is a motherfuckin’ whore. Next time don’t drink so much, bitch.
I imagines that bitch walkin’ through her hall, tryin’ to get to the bathroom to clean that shit off. Everybody be lookin’ at that bitch like why you got CUM DUMSTER written all over your forehead? Bitches be laughin’.
Then she try to scrub that shit off. And it don’t work. We used Magic Marker bitch! That shit’s gonna be on you for about a week. No amount of scrubbing is gonna remove my label OPEN HERE right next to your cunt, bitch!
But for real, though, I’m gonna have to have a talk with that bitch. Never let strangers in your mothrfuckin’ room! Me is ok but bitch be lettin’ Macrobiotik and Tic Toc’s ass in that motherfucker! And what about Kevin? You let perfect strangers fuck your pink ass? Kevin might have AIDS!
I be gettin’ home and I come into the room. Stinky faggot not be here. I sit at me desk and pull out them white panties, stuff ’em in the jar. Jar be gettin’ about full by now. Pretty soon time to empty it out and start again.
I be thinkin’ about lookin’ up some hard torture porns, something like a guy be electrocutin’ bitches in his basement, but before I’s can type in the search, stinky faggot comes in with some girl.
She is the homely type, real kinda sour looking with brown hair and I guess a pretty face, if you’re into that sort of Saltine-looking bitch. Me faggot roommate introduces her as Donna.
“Well hellos Donna. Welcome to our humble abode.”
“And who’s this?”
“This is our dog Seymour.”
“Why thank you. And what has you two been gettin’ into this evening?”
“Just out drinking.”
“So you has been drinking, famous pastime of college students far and near. What a surprise.”
“What have you been up to? Just been here?” my roommate asks.
“No, I has been out and about, just fillying and frolicking among the, shall we say, less worldly of our little freshman girls. Teaching them lessons, as it were, about getting fucked in the puss and such.”
“It is good, roomie, it is very good. Why stick your dick in the sourest of pusses when you can stick it in the sweetest of pusses, as I say!”
I pull the white pair of panties out of my jar. “This be a trophy to show for my evening. Would you like to smell?”
“You’re missing out, good brother! These are the panties of a heretofore virgin plaything which I happened upon tonight. Have you smelled a virgin pussy tonight? Because if you haven’t, here is your chance! A very nice virgin plaything, who gave up little complaint when her fruit was popped! Does your Donna complain when you nibble on her little cherries? Or does she take it like a good woman should?”
“We have a very satisfying sex life, actually.”
“Will your Donna testify to that?”
“I love him. Yes. We’re very happy.”
“Well good for you. And what does this happiness entail?”
“Well. We eat meals together. Sometimes we study together. Not like with each other but just in the same place at the same time. And we walk down by the river.”
“More of a creek than a river, if you ask me.”
“And we make love.”
“You make love with my faggot roommate?”
“And what is it like making love with a faggot?”
“Well, he’s not a faggot first of all. And it’s very sweet. We’re learning each other’s bodies. Learning to make each other cum.”
“Does you use your mouth when you make him cum?”
“Mouth, pussy, everything.”
“Ass,” my faggot roommate ads.
“You let him fuck your ass?”
“And you ain’t afraid that encourage his faggot tendencies?”
“Not at all. I like to be fucked in the ass, and he finds it a nice alternative to frontal sex. Do you like ass fucking?”
“Woulds I likes it with you, you means?”
“I mean in general. Did you ass fuck the girl you were with tonight?”
“No, me stuck to the pussy.”
“What a shame. Maybe you can try ass fucking with her next time.”
“If there is a next time.”
“Why wouldn’t there be a next time? I never understand that. If you connect enough with the person to fuck once, why not do it again? Do you agree?”
Me faggot roommate nods.
“So,” Donna says, “tell us about the girl you were with tonight.”
“Well,” me says, “she was normal sized, maybe a little on the petite side, well learned in the areas of political theory, and she’s a bit of a lush, which turns me off. Also she had a nice pussy, very muscular and felt good on me dick, only bled a little when we fucked her—”
“You had a threesome?”
“Yeah, we had a threesome, that was it.”
“That’s something we’ve never done.”
“Well you should try it sometime. Threesomes is very nice.”
“What do you think?” She’s looking at me roomie.
“If it’s something you want, I’d be willing to try it with you.”
“But not with me,” I say.
“No, that would be awkward.”
“I means we can talk about sex together but we shouldn’t do it because you’s is a sour ho and I have a general rule against threesomes with faggots, so. Is you two going to be wanting the room tonight?”
“Just for a little while.”
“Oh, so you’s going to make it quick?”
“I’ll come and get you, how’s that?”
“Ok, me’s be in the common room, contemplatin’ me life, so when you’s wants to come and get me, I’s be’s there.”
“You’s welcome, roomie. You’s would do the same for me.”
“If you ever brought girls home I would.”
“Don’t eat where you shit, that’s what I say.”
“So I’s be in the common room.”
“Just one question. Is you going to put a brown bag over that bitch’s face because that is one ugly bitch.”
I grab me pair of white panties and leave the room. Stinky faggot be fuckin’ that ugly bitch in my room. Better not use my bed. And I hope Seymour watches your ass, too.
I be findin’ a couch in the common room to sleep on. Might not even be returnin’ to my room tonight..must let the sex smell dissipate. There’s nothing worse than the smell of a faggot’s semen. That combined with an ugly bitch’s pussy smell is more than I can take.
I twirl those panties around my hand, then press it to my face, making sure the crotch is right next to my nose. Laely smell like a salty rose garden mixed with that aquarium smell I had from me childhood. Me dick gets hard.
Me thinks about jerking off with Laely’s panties in the common room but me thinks better of it. Somebody likely to be coming along in that time and catch me ejaculating into that silky pair of panties, then everybody getting weird about me and shit. People getting the idea that I’s some kind of scumbag. Shit, I earned these panties. Be conversatin’ with that bitch and shit. Took me days of listenin’ to that bitch’s shit to get this pair of panties. Me earned ’em fair and square. Do whatever me want with ’em.
I put ’em on me face and I don’t even move when some asshole comes in and starts watching The Goonies. My dick gets hard and I think of that bitch passed out on her floor with my labels all over her cunt.
I dreams of pussy.
I dreams of a fat bitch, fucking from behind, her rat hole of a pussy on my dick, and that bitch almost yankin’ my dick off she fucks so hard.
I dreams of a skinny bitch, pussy so sick it be like fucking an old woman, all frail and shit. I be reachin’ my whole hand inside that skinny bitch and feelin’ her organs and shit. Me wish me had some gloves.
Then I dream of rat pussy, rats fucking and fucking, making more babies, and how tiny rat pussy must feel to a rat. They be up in that shit with a vengeance. Ditto rabbits, those fuck whores.
Then me dreams of a pussy so nice I can’t even describe. It be pink when I spreads it with me hands, I open that shit up and just marvel at how glorious it is. I mean glorious. Shit be pink below the surface, invitin’ me in. Be rubbin’ my dick inside that shit collectin’ samples of pussy juice from the walls. Doin’ a little explorin’. Fuck that bitch she be havin’ me cum so quick I be like “Sorry, ma’am.”
Some pussy you never forget. Like this girl Camille. I’ll never forget that bitch’s pussy. I was like eighteen. Bitch was just beautiful, I mean like they engineer it in the porno mags. Natural Photoshop. And the feel of it. I squirted all over that bitch after two strokes.
Some pussy haunts you. Like this little girl I fucked. She couldn’t have been more than twelve. We was in church together. Fingered that bitch in the parking lot then went in for the kill. Little girl gave it up like a light. Got me in there and took what I could. Came quick with that bitch, too. A twelve year old will get you off.
There be more to life than fuckin’ twelve year olds, though. Me be growin’ up, me be graduatin’ to more advanced forms of pussy. Pussy with academic degrees, pussy with a mind attached. Laely was that for me.
Little bitch had come upon me with a quickness, wrapped her legs around me head and squeezed as tight as she could. Laely I hadn’t seen coming—that bitch had gotten under my skin. I actually enjoyed talking to that bitch. But every bitch has her day, and Laely had had hers, chalked up with Marks-A-Lot in room 211. That bitch was gonna have to learn to keep her guard up, you can’t just be partyin’ with people like me.
People like me’ll tap that sweet ass when you ain’t expectin’. Rush up and slip you the D. She lucky I ain’t fuck her ass—a bitch can’t walk for days.
And that blood..comin’ out her pussy. Bitch had been a virgin.
Serves her right, though, comin’ to this college as a virgin. She shoulda take care of that shit in high school.
I was tryin’ to remember the last time I fucked a virgin, for sure knew I fucked one. But all that was comin’ to mind was the feel of Laely’s sweet pussy. Smooth slide, tight grip, perfectly wet. A bitch that wet, you know she wanted it. She got wet when she grabbed my dick. And what was that bitch doin’ grabbin’ my dick anyway if she didn’t want to get fucked? Don’t be grabbin’ a nigga’s dick. I’ll fuck your ass into next week.
Laely’s sweet puss. Be chewin’ that shit like bubble gum. Poppin’ bubbles and shit. Oooh. A girl like that gonna get fucked and I mean fucked a lot in her life. That typa pussy don’t go unnoticed. Soon she’ll have a man, and then these young upstarts’ll be tryin’a insert themselfs into their shit, goin’ to war and shit, all over a piece of pussy.
Still, it be Laely’ fault. That and her parents’. When they get together, that perfect sperm and that perfect egg be producin’ a girl with mad pussy genes. Start right there with conception. Blame Darwin if you have to.
“Can you hear me? Can you hear me? We need to talk with you. Can you wake up for us, son?”
I be realizin’ I still got Laely’ panties on my head.
“We need to have a word with you, son.”
I pull them panties off me head.
“Mind if I sit down?”
“Go right ahead sir.”
“Give him a second to wake up.”
“Do you always sleep in the common room, son?”
“Nah, but my roommate be bonin’ his ugly girlfrien’ so I’s be chillin’ out here till they’s done.”
“What’s with the underwear?”
“These? This my good luck charm. Use ’em before exams.”
“Where’d you get ’em?”
“They my mom’s.”
“You sniff your mother’s panties?”
“I don’t know if I be likin’ your tone, man, what y’all here for?”
“We’re here because there’s been some disturbance.”
“And what I got to do with every disturbance?”
“Where were you last night, son?”
“I ain’t your son, man. Show some respect.”
“Where were you last night?”
“Chillin’ right here, with me panties over me head, watching The Goonies.”
“Watching The Goonies, huh?”
“Did anyone see you here?”
“Some nerd I was watchin’ The Goonies with, man, he saw me.”
“Do you know a girl named Laely Donaldson?”
“Donaldson? Nah. I know a lot of girls named Laely.”
“You know a lot of girls named Laely. How many?”
“I’o’know. Six or seven maybe.”
“You know seven Laelys?”
“I know a lot of people, man.”
“Did you go to Laely Donaldson’s room last night?”
“Laely Donaldson? Nah, man, I’on’t think so.”
The officers look at each other.
“Why? Did she say somethin’?”
“No. But her roommate did.”
“I’on’t even know her roommate. Of any of the Laely Donaldson’s I know.”
“Her roommate called in a report that Laely had been harassed by some gentlemen. Drawn on with a marker. Laely was drunk. She has some bruises on her neck, on her face.”
“Well that show how important it is not to get drunk, don’t it.”
“Are those Laely’s panties?”
“Pretty sure these don’t belong to anybody named Laely.”
“Because Laely was found naked. A Magic Marker had been stuck in her..”
“In her cunt?”
“Yes, in her cunt. What made you say, ‘in her cunt?'”
“It’s obvious, ain’t it? Girl found naked with shit written all over her body, naturally she’s gonna have a Magic Marker stuck in her cunt.”
“You didn’t stick it there?”
“Stick a Magic Marker in that bitch’s cunt? Fuck no. That’s not where a Magic Marker goes.”
“Where does it go?”
“In her ass? Me kidding. It goes in one of those little holder things on her desk.”
“Were you in Laely’s room last night?”
“I was not.”
“Do you at least know Laely?”
“I knows several Laelys.”
“What about Laely Donaldson?”
“I is on a first name basis with me friends.”
“Show him the picture.”
The other officer holds out a picture. It be Laely.
“You know her?”
“Right on, brotha, that be Laely.”
“If you say so! Me’s only knows her as Laely.”
“Did you have sexual relations with Laely?”
“At any time.”
“Let me thinks.” Me looks at the picture again. “I thinks me would remember having sexual relations with her. Is this the best picture you have? You have something more revealing maybe? In a different outfit? Because I don’t always recognize a girl until she take all her clothes off. Do you has a picture of her pussy?”
“As a matter of fact we do, but—”
“You keepin’ that one for yourself?”
“How many pairs of panties do you have in your jar?”
“You noticed me jar?”
“When did you notice?”
“The last time we were here.”
“I thought you looked familiar.”
“We’re going to keep coming to see you until this problem gets resolved.”
“What exactly problem is that?”
“Girls getting..harassed. Assaulted. Taken advantage of.”
“Me no take advantage of girls. Me can only get off if the object of desire is willing. These panties are from a girl named Karen. She likes to be fucked in the pussy. She comes over last night and me gives her a bit of the double action, one in the ass and one in the puss at the same time!”
“How is that possible? Did you have a friend?”
“Me has two dicks! Does you want to see? This girl Laely is just me study partner. We read together! If someone roughed her up me is as mad as the next guy. Me tickle Laely’ pussy with a feather, that’s all!”
“You tickled Laely’s pussy with a feather?”
“A matter of speech! Me’s sayin’ that me’s would never harm her! Laely be special to me. She a nice and caring person!”
“Can we check in your room?”
“What you be checkin’ for?”
“We’re not sure yet.”
“Me stinky faggot roommate is in there bonin’ his ugly girlfriend, so I suggest you look there later!”
“You wouldn’t happen to be hiding a dog in your room would you?”
“We ain’t hidin’ nothing! What I’s saying is why would you want to smell faggot semen if you don’t have to?!”
“I kind of like the smell of faggot semen. Don’t you?”
His partner says, “I love it.”
So I’s gets up and puts the Laely panties in me pocket. Me be wantin’ more time to sniff them, maybe go through my whole collection and review the different smells of the different girls, but these officers be meanin’ business.
We get to the hallway outside me door.
“Are we going to find a dog inside your room, son?”
“I don’t know what the fuck you be meanin’.”
“When we open this door, are we going to find a dog?”
“Look, me roomie be into some weird shit. Sometimes me find cockatiels, serpents, spaniels, corgies, eels..it be all sorts of weird shit in there.”
The one officer pushes me toward the door.
“Open it,” he says.
I opens the door and lo and behold there is nothin’ inside. No Seymour. No stinky faggot.
I turns to the officers and say, “Well?”
They grab my arms. “You’re coming with us.”
“Ah ha!” the one officer says. He shines his light on Seymour’s food bowls. “What is this?”
“That is where me roomie takes his meals. He be into some weird dominant/submissive stuff and me makes him eats from a dog bowl because that’s how submissives gets off. Don’t you know that?”
“We’re gonna nail you for the dog, son.”
“He must be out for a walk,” the other cop says.
They close the door and drag me with them outside.
“Where is we goin’?”
“We’ve got someone we want you to meet.”
“Who is it?”
“You might already know her.”
“Oh so this be like a mystery person I has to figure out.”
“Yeah, a mystery.”
“Me likes mysteries.”
“You might not like this one.”
“Why, is it like the Wizard of Oz where it turns out her sister was behind the whole thing? Has you ever thought of fucking Dorothy? She be pretty tight for an old-fashioned bitch. Me like to rip those stockings off and follow her yellow brick road! Does you think that Dorothy likes it up the butt? Me like to take the Wicked Witch broom handle and stick it up Dorothy’s ass. This be a mystery like that?”
“You ain’t takin’ me to see an old friend who might not have liked our last encounter, is you?”
“Why, you got any old friends like that?”
“Me’s not at liberty to say.”
The police officers walked a little behind me. And I knew who they were taking me to see. To have me identified, no doubt. And these campus goons, who were just university police, nonetheless had the authority to arrest me, and hand me over to the regular police.
We walked up the hill, passing many students who were on their way to class. I saw a group of females standing in a circle, obviously high-class females, with football sweaters and ponytails. One of them looked at me.
“Eh there, would you mind escorting me to the jailhouse? You is obviously a bitch of class and I would be honored if you walked with me as the jaws of justice work their nasty ways—do you fancy that?”
She turned away.
“If our victim identifies you, you’re going to jail,” says the one officer.
I put me arm around him and point at that classy bitch. “Do you think that bitch likes to be fucked in the face?”
He takes me arm out from around him. “If our victim identifies you, other victims will likely come forward.”
“‘Our victim,’ eh?”
“And who is ‘our victim?'”
“Oh you know her.”
“Does her name start with an L?”
The officer just laughs.
We walk to the campus police station and go inside. They lead me to a desk with a chair beside it. One of the officers leaves. The other sits down at the desk.
“Have a seat,” he says.
Me sits in the chair. Across from me at a similar chair at a similar desk is a young woman.
“And what is you here for?”
She has bruises all over her face, she wears a pink dress and has one paw wrapped in a bandage.
“Is you a victim or a perpetrator?”
“Leave her alone.”
“I’m just askin’ if this lovely bitch is on the victim side of the law..or the perpetrator side of the law.”
“Just leave her alone.”
I looks at this bitch. She looks like a victim. Her feets is crossed defensively, and she looks away when I looks at her.
My officer stands up. “Can I leave you here alone for a moment?”
“I is fine.”
“If you run out we’re just going to come get you.”
“Ok.” The officer leaves.
I sit there for what seem like an hour, then finally this little bitch across from me says, “Are you?”
“Is I what?”
“A victim or a perpetrator.”
I leans back. I’m not sure if this bitch means like philosophically, or what. “I is a victim,” I say.
“What happened?” she say. And I feel sorry for this girl because of the way that she say it. She seem genuinely concerned.
“It’s too painful to talk about,” I say.
“It’s ok,” she say. “I was fucked.”
I blinks. “In the puss or in the butt?”
“In the puss,” she say. “But it wasn’t for fun. Like I was fucked when I wasn’t supposed to.”
“Oh, you means like you was fuckin’ around in the guys’ dorm when you really was supposed to be in the girls’ dorm readin’ Faust and playin’ with your pussy and shit?”
“No, a guy came home with me and forced me to have sex with him when I didn’t want to.”
“Is that where those bruises are from?”
“Your boyfriend be a boxer?”
“He’s not my boyfriend. He never punched me before. I thought he was a nice guy.”
“He probably is a nice guy, he just wanted to tap that ass.”
“Me’s explains something to you. When a guy wants a girl’s puss, he be willin’s to do just about anything to get it. That include buyin’ a girl flowers, puttin’ up with a bitch who runs her mouth off, and, yes, punchin’ a bitch in the mouth if he have to. The need for puss runs strong in men—”
“They aren’t real men.”
“What is that?”
“They aren’t real men, if they do that.”
“You can say they ain’t real men, but that negate the Nigiri Hypothesis.” I sit back, satisfied.
“What the fuck is the Nigiri Hypothesis?”
“I’m glad you asked. The Nigiri Hypothesis states that a man in disproportional function to a woman (or a man if he is gay) will cross the desire hypotenuse exactly twice on his way to the Riemann equilibrium..forthwith exposing himself to the beta null of an equal and opposite diagram! You can see the relevance of the Nigiri Hypothesis to your case.”
“What exactly are you here for?”
“For fucking a woman! I fucked when I wasn’t supposed to! So you can see, little darling, that our cases are very much one and the same! My officer dear, over there, is going to try to pin me to the crime! Now why don’t you tell me the truth. Why are you really here?”
“What I said.”
“Did your gentleman really fuck without permission? Or did you revoke permission after first granting him permission?”
“He didn’t have permission!”
“Do you agree, that a young lady can be rather misleading in the signals she sends a young gentleman?!”
“My signals weren’t mixed!”
“They weren’t. I told him no. He wouldn’t leave. He beat me in the face!”
“Is I supposed to feel sympathy toward you for those bruises?”
“Did you bruise your woman, is that why you’re asking me that?”
“I don’t bruises women. I correct a bitch when a bitch gets out of order.”
“Uh huh. And she’s out of order because she won’t fuck you?”
“A bitch’s proper order is fucking, little miss. And a bitch who isn’t fucking, is out of order.”
“I hope they put you in jail.”
“And I hopes you get fucked in your puss by a broom handle! Officer! I’m ready for your assistance. This bitch is driving me crazy!”
My officer sits back down. “Is there a problem here?”
“No problem. We is just discussing.”
He turns to little miss. “Was he bothering you?”
She just looks away.
“Now,” the officer says, “we’re still waiting on your friend. So I thought this might be a good time to take a look at the book.”
He takes out a white binder about three inch thick.
“Flip through it.”
“It’s just a bunch of pictures of dudes.”
“That’s right. What do you think they all have in common?”
“They cousins? I don’t know.”
“No, they’re not cousins.”
“I’ll bite. What is they?”
“The men in that book are suspected—or in some cases convicted—of fucking little girls when they weren’t supposed to.”
“So all these dudes like to fuck.”
“No, they like to fuck when they aren’t supposed to.”
“Ah, I sees. Good book.”
“Would you like to see the other book?”
He switches me out for a black binder. I flip through that one.
“What do you see?”
“A bunch of bitches.”
“Not just bitches. Look closely.”
“A bunch of bitches and some dudes.”
“Right. And what do you think they have in common?”
“They like to fuck dudes?”
“I give up. Is they Secret Service or something?”
“No, they’re not Secret Service. They’re people who got fucked when they didn’t want to get fucked.”
“Ah, I sees. Great book. What’s next?”
“What’s next is we sees if we gets to add a couple pictures to our books.”
“Is you talkin’ like me to ingratiate youself with me or something?”
“I is talkin’ like you because I don’t think you’re a good influence on this campus and I’s likes to see you gone.”
The girl sittin’ across from me smirks.
The other officer comes in. The two police are talkin’. They look at me every once in a while. Then the other officer leaves.
“Well, it’s your lucky day.”
“Why, you’s gonna give me the phone numbers of all the bitches in the black book?”
“No. Your little friend decided not to show up.”
“The girl who’s name begins with an L?”
“Don’t think this means you didn’t get caught. When she comes to us, when she’s willing to identify you, you could get ten years.”
“So is we through here?”
I stands up.
The girl in the chair twirls her hair and plays dumb. “Was all that shit about the Nigiri Hypothesis just total bullshit?”
I flex in her face. “What do you think bitch?”
When I get home, Seymour is there with my roommate.
“Where dids you take him?”
“I took him for a walk.”
“Well you’s picked a good time, the police are looking for Seymour.”
“They came by?”
“They wants to put him in a kennel. They got no love for dogs.”
“You’re going to have to find somewhere else to keep him.”
“He’s my mascot. I can’t function without him. I’m telling you, I can’t even jerk off without that little bastard looking.”
“So where have you been?”
“Down at the police station.”
“Why? About Seymour?”
“Nah, they wanted some bitch to identify me. Some matter of fucking without permission.”
“Did you..fuck without permission?”
“Why, hasn’t you ever fucked Donna without her permission?
“You mean like against her will?”
“Yeah, like against her will.”
“No, but..she’s fucked me against my will.”
“Yeah. She’ll be the first one to tell you. Sometimes I don’t want to do it and she does and she’s so horny that she does it anyway.”
“How is that even possible, mate? I mean like physically.”
“Just because she can get me hard doesn’t mean I want to do it.”
“So she get you hard, then she fuck you, when you doesn’t want it.”
“It has been known to happen.”
“Does she hold you down?”
“No, but that still doesn’t mean I want to do it.”
“Are you sure you isn’t gay?”
“Let me ask you this. This is a serious question. Do you think Donna should go to jail?”
“For gettin’ yo’ dick hard and fucking you againsts yo’ will.”
“I don’t want her to go to jail. I love her.”
“But you agrees what she’s doin’ is a crime.”
“Technically, yes. But—”
“See that’s me problem. Me don’ts want to go to jail over no technically. Does you agree that some bitches need to be held down against their will in order to cum?”
“In order for them to cum?”
“Yes. That some bitches, in order for they to cum, need to feel like they is gettin’ fucked by some fool robbin’ they house stop by and grab them a piece of that ass on they way out the door.”
“Are you talking about roleplaying fantasy?”
“I is talkin’ about a bitch gettin’ fucked against her will, mate, and how that is the only way some of them can cum. Does you agree?”
“You never met a bitch who liked it rough?”
“Donna likes it rough.”
“Donna don’t look like a bitch who likes it rough, mate.”
“But she does.”
“Let’s say you is punchin’ a bitch in the face—because she asked you to—and you cut up that bitch’s face in the process. Does you think that a crime?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s what I’m sayin’. If it be between you and her in the bedroom, then what business does the police have intervenin’?”
“So are you like in big trouble?”
“I doesn’t know. It depend on if this bitch identify me.”
“This girl you fucked.”
“Against her permission.”
“Was it really against her permission if she be dressin’ like a slut and grabbin’ me dick?”
“Did she ask you to stop?”
“She never ask me to stop!”
“Did you rough her up?”
“Yeah, I roughed her up a little.”
“A little or a lot?”
“Man, what am I talkin’ to you for? You be fuckin’ conservative campus bitches. That bitch don’t like it rough, mate. Gimme my dog. Come on, Seymour. We headin’ uptown, find us some hard porno bitches. You’s a faggot, pure and plain. Go back to fuckin’ some bitch named Donna take you against your will. You be likin’ that shit, don’t lie.”
Me and Seymour headed up the hill. Me was determined to find some hard porno bitches because me knew that Seymour would like it. But alls the way, all me could think about be how sad me would be if me ended up in a cell.
We came into the green, avoided the fountain, and found a path to walk upon. Seymour was promenadin’—he was a fine specimen. None of these other bitches had a dog. That’s because none of these bitches knew how to did it right. They be leavin’ lost potential and shit. But me’s do it right, me’s wander the campus with me’s companion and look for some naive panty-wearin’ freshman—we’s find ’em today.
I sees a pair of bitches walkin’ hand in hand and me’s shout out to them, “Beware of the muff!” They turn and look at me. “Try some dick ladies!” They continue on. Muff-eatin’ bitches need dick the worst.
Then we’s come upon a solitary femme. She be sittin’ with her knees brought up against her chest, wearin’ coveralls and blue Converse.
“Is you a studyin’ bitch?”
“Is you of the academic persuasion?”
“I’m not of any persuasion.”
“Do you be goin’ to classes? ‘Cause me’s cannot abide a bitch who don’t care about her education.”
“That’s Seymour. He a pussy dog.”
“What do you mean, ‘he’s a pussy dog?'”
“He a dog that like pussy. Sniff it out for me. He sniff you out.”
“Is you wearin’ panties under those coveralls?”
“Isn’t that what you call them?”
“That’s what me mean.”
“You want to know what kind of panties I’m wearing under my overalls?”
“Are you some kind of perv or something?”
“Me’s an honest gentleman who like pussy. Is there somethin’ wrong with that?”
“No, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I have to go.”
She gets up and goes away.
Me’s thinks about Laely, and how if that bitch is to be an example, more bitches in the future might call in to report me, and I might end up bein’ identified by one of the bitches. And eventually I be separated from me dog, and there be no more stinky faggot roommate and no more conversations with boring Donna and no more walks along the lawn to meet little girls in coveralls with who knows what kind of panties underneath ’em. That Laely was gonna ruin it all.
Then I be thinkin’ I could convince Laely not to say anything, maybe offer to eat her pussy or give her a gift or something. Maybe then that bitch decide to keep quiet. The problem be how to approach that bitch. She likely be not wantin’ to see me after I cracked her head open. Or wrote all over that bitch’s body. Or shagged her pink ass. That bitch likely be mad.
Bitches often be mad after you fuck ’em. But I never wrote all over a bitch’s body before. That be some special shit—Laely only. She get the icing on the cake. Still, me missed her pussy.
Laely be makin’ special problems for me by reportin’ this shit. The nerve of that bitch. She be askin’ to get fucked and then that bitch be cryin’ it weren’t that way. That be a shady-ass move for a bitch to play. Be likin’ a motherfucker then be callin’ the cops.
I started thinkin’ of girls I had met in the past and how I had shut them up. Be sneakin’ up on a bitch on the jogging path and tellin’ that bitch you’ll kill her if she goes to the police..that shit be workin’ like a charm. Maybe Laely jog. Maybe she like hikin’ in the woods, and me be findin’ her while she with her girlfriends and me lettin’ her know that if she go to the cops me be findin’ her alone in her room some night, and me be takin’ a knife to her pussy. That be keepin’ a bitch in line.
Laely be the kind of bitch I might have to take down completely. Put some deadly nightshade in her pumpkin spice latte, that typa shit. Defiant bitch like that might not get scared at no death threat. Might have to take her out in the woods, just me her and the Glock. Put that motherfucker in her mouth and force her to suck my dick before I kill her. Stupid bitch. Goin’ to the cops to report me. She’s gonna have to pay for that.
Sometimes with a naughty bitch you have to up the stakes. Let that bitch know that life and death is on the line. I’m gonna have to remind that bitch that she is not in charge. Smack that bitch down a bit. Bitch thinks she’s got me! I’ve got a jar of panties on my desk, motherfucker! Do you think I got a jar of panties by being a schmoe? No, I got that jar of panties by knowing how to play the game. I got that jar of panties by knowing how to take a bitch down. Bitch after bitch after bitch after bitch, I won. Got that sweet pussy. That’s how I do it.
My phone rings.
“We got you motherfucker.”
“Who’s calling please?”
“It’s your friends down at the university police.”
“Oh, hi friend.”
“Hi, friend. You want to get your ass down here, to meet your friend whose name starts with L., so we can identify your ass?”
“A bit busy right now, maybe later.”
“Get down here right now.”
“I have class!”
“Skip it. You want us to come and find you?”
“I’m fucking twelve virgins at the moment!”
“You’re not going to be fucking any virgins for a long time when we get through with you.”
“Great, I’ll see you in a few, then!”
“You better get down here or I’ll put out a warrant for your ass.”
“Just my ass?”
“Get down here.”
I wents straight over to the campus police station. Figured me might as well get this over with. If they were gonna take me freedom and me life away just for taggin’ that sweet Laely, then so be it.
I trots right in through the front door.
“What’s this?” the officer asks.
“This be Seymour.”
“The mysterious dog that wasn’t in your room when we checked earlier?”
“No, this dog not mysterious at all. This my uncle dog.”
“Yeah. I’s just walkin’ him.”
“Your uncle lives here?”
“What’s his name?”
“Me thinkin’ my uncle name be none of your business.”
“Well you can’t have him here.”
“Seymour stays with me.”
“You can’t have a dog in a police station.”
“What’s that? Some kind of rule? ‘You can’t have a dog in a police station?’ What about police dogs?”
“We don’t have police dogs on this campus.”
“But I’m sayin’, in general, that police dogs would be allowed in a police station, so what is the problem with me bringin’ Seymour in here?”
“What if he harasses a patron?”
“Me dog don’t be harassin’ no one.”
“Can’t you tie him to a pole outside?”
“What if somebody steal him? Then I be suin’ you and then I be ownin’ this police department.”
“I’d like to see that.”
“Somebody steals my dog you’re gonna see it, motherfucker. Now does you want to see me about somethin’ or not?”
“Yeah, fuck, bring him with you. Lemme take you to the holding cell.”
The holding cell, as they called it, was like a conference room with a whiteboard and a table with rolling chairs and everything. There was a couple of other guys in there when they brought me in.
“Wait here. We’ll be in shortly with the witness.”
The officer leaves.
“They let you bring your dog?”
“Well, he was with me when they called, so.”
Then for a long time nobody says anything. I steal a couple of glances at these guys. One looks like Clark Kent, glasses and everything, button-down shirt. The other has mad tattoos and must be a bodybuilder or something. Definitely kick my ass.
“So what you in for?” I ask.
“Same thing as you, prob’ly.”
“Is you in for..fucking..without permission?”
“What the fuck you care?”
“Relax, soldier. I’s just makin’ conversation. You don’t want to talk, fine, we endures without each other’ company. What about you, Superman?”
“I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“I don’t doubt it! I am with you, dear brother. I is not askin’ what you did, I is askin’ what they says you did. So what about it?”
Clark Kent looks at me. “My girlfriend called the cops on me.”
“Obviously. Hence you bein’ here.”
“She says that I fucked her while she was sleeping. She was passed out—that’s what she says. Says she didn’t know it was happening. Then she gets all mad when she wakes up and I was..”
“You is fuckin’ her.”
“Right. We were making love. But she says since I put it inside of her when she was sleeping that it’s..against the rules.”
“Oh I feel ya brotha! They is always makin’ up rules like that, behind our backs, and then you find yourself caught with your pants down!”
“Exactly! We’ve made love a hundred times! How can she say that this time was any different than the time before?”
“I don’t know my dear brotha. I don’t know. But you might want to try some diversionary tactics to make sure that bitch is really out next time you try to fuck her.”
“What do you mean diversionary tactics?”
“Drug her,” the bodybuilder says. “That’s what I do.”
“Drug her with what?”
“Any kind of sedative. Just—like he says—make sure that bitch is really out.” The bodybuilder’s voice is soft, gentle. He continues, “I like to drug a dude with a mixture of hard liquor and horse tranquilizers before I fuck him. Get that dude nice and sedate. Then I can have my way with him for three, four hours before he wakes up. And by then, all he remembers is that we were drinking. I just tell him he passed out.”
“That’s brilliant,” I say. “And if you don’t fuck a bitch’s cooch up too much she’ll never suspect!”
“Where do you get horse tranquilizer?”
“Oh, man, if you want I can hook you up when we get out of here.”
“Can you’s hook me up, too? Because I’s got a bitch that could use some of that.”
“Yeah. Just give me your numbers. I got horse tranquilizer, donkey tranquilizer, stuff they use in zoos—”
“Let me ask you this. How does you decide between donkey tranquilizer and horse tranquilizer for a particular bitch?”
The bodybuilder looks at me. “It depends on the bitch’s face!”
“Ah ha, you a hoot. It depend on the bitch’s face, I get ya. You is sayin’ that if the bitch’s face look more like a horse, then..yeah..that be hilarious. You has a future in stand-up comedy but on a serious note, how much horse tranquilizer does you need to kill a bitch?”
“It depends on the size of the bitch.”
“I got this particular bitch, she a pain in my ass right now. I got a feelin’ we about to see her here in a minute. I think she here to identify me, and if I could disappears this bitch before she has time to testify in court, then I might be livin’ a longer life, you get me?”
“I’ll hook you up with dosages, dissolve rates for various liquids, everything bro. That bitch won’t be a problem!”
“Excellent, mate. I might have to do that. So what is you in for?”
“They say I held down this guy and fucked him.”
“And did you?”
He lowers his voice. “Well, yes. But he wanted it. We had been working out together all summer, and he kept giving me these signals. He may act like he don’t want it but when a man shaves his head he wants to be fucked in the ass.”
“And he shaved his head?”
“Well there you go then. Remind me never to shave my head. But you is justified, if he shaved his head. What was he thinking?”
“Now they’re saying I could do time.”
“Just for fucking a man in the ass?”
The bodybuilder nods.
“I mean what’s a man’s ass for, except for being fucked by another man? Is you with me Superman?”
“So what are you in for?”
“Oh, this bitch. Little pink-ass bitch name of Laely. I fell in love with this bitch one day in the coffeehouse. Defiant little bitch. Won’t take shit off nobody. Instantly liked this bitch. Spent weeks getting to know her. Bought my dog Seymour here just to impress that bitch. And that worked for a while. But it take more than a dog to get into a bitch’s panties—most bitches anyway. This bitch be a special breed.”
“So wha’d you do to her?”
“Well. Me and a couple of friends went over that bitch’s house. Got her drunk. Fucked her up a little.”
“Fucked her up how?”
“I cracked that bitch in the back of the head, fucked up her lip a little. Mighta bruised her up some, I don’t remember. What I do remember is gettin’ one of the sweetest pieces of cooch I’ve ever had. I’m serious. That was a pussy to write home about. I only got to fuck her once, but I can’t get that girl off my mind. It’s like I’m catchin’ feelin’s an’ shit. Startin’ to think about that girl when I go to sleep. I mean it’s only been one day..but..”
“You’re in love, brotha. I’ve been around a few dudes when they fall in love and you are 100% prime in love with this bitch. You should hear yourself.”
“I can’t help it, man. She special. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have passed out below me. If I was gonna ass fuck a girl, it would be her. I hate to admit it, but cracking that bitch in the skull sort of got me off.”
“Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that, brotha.”
“Do you get that? Does roughin’ up a bitch make you hard?”
“Well, a dude in my case, but yeah. That’s the hottest part about it. I like holding a dude down and making him scream like a girl, watch him struggle and not be able to do anything. It gets me hard just thinking about it.”
“I be the same way. To watch a bitch struggle, and know she can’t do nothin’, that shit make me hard as a rock.”
Just then my favorite university police officer came in. He be havin’ Laely in tow.
“Now, all of you, keep your mouths shut. If you harass my witness I’ll arrest you. We don’t have a proper line up room, so we’re stuck with this, ok everybody? Now, sit up straight. The witness can enter the room now.”
Officer Somebody stood at the door with his hand on his gun. Laely came in the room and instantly Seymour recognized her—he stood up and was waggin’ his tail and shit. Laely went to the dog. She kneels right in front of him and holds her hand out. Seymour licks her, and Laely smiles.
Her face is bruised, and her neck too, and she has a gash on her lip.
“Witness, do you recognize any of these men?”
Laely look straight up at me. We make eye contact. It stay locked there for about ten seconds.
Then Laely stand. “No.”
“No? You don’t recognize any of these men?”
“Ok then. Witness, you can come with me. Everybody else stay put.”
So Laely leave.
Me pet Seymour. And me wonder how me ended up in a room with these psychopaths.
It be disgusting, don’t ye think, to ponder a man fucking another man’s ass. I be thinkin’ of me bodybuilder companion, and wonderin’ if he has a big dick or a small one. When a man fucks another man’s ass, there be shit particles comin’ out on his dick, and even if you use a condom, that shit be disgusting.
Me thinkin’ about this when yonder police officer comes in and tells us we can go. Other gentlemen be pettin’ Seymour and shit, and we be exchangin’ numbers so we can do drug deals with donkey tranquilizer.
When I’s out in the clean air once again, me’s thinks what a bullet me dodged.
Me calls Tic Toc.
“Hey, my boy!”
“Let’s get together. How be tonight?”
“Tonight’s good. The Crash?”
“A’ight. I be meetin’ you at The Crash around eleven.”
Click. By the time me meet Sherman at The Crash me has had time to change clothes, drop Seymour by the house, and gather me thoughts about Laely.
When me gets to The Crash Tic Toc is already there, with some ladies.
“Who be these females, Mr. Tic?”
“This is Lisa. This is Sandra.”
“Ah, very nice. Those be some nice dresses. Race-inspired. You be beating land speed records I suppose.”
The ladies laugh and flip their hair.
“Toc, why don’t you be losin’ these females. I got some For Your Eyes Only shit to discuss.”
Tic Toc tells the ladies to leave.
“How did you meet those ladies?”
“I met ’em here.”
“Is they about to put out?”
“They might be.”
“Well listen to this, Mr. Tic. I need like some counsellin’ and shit. I be goin’ to the police station today.”
“For that bitch we fucked and drew all over. Laely. You remember her.”
“I remember her cooch!”
“How could you forget, right? That’s a fine-ass cooch.”
We slap hands.
“Anyways, that bitch be reportin’ that shit.”
“No lie. Had me called down to the campus police to do a line up.”
“I’m serious bro. Me and two other guys. Sick fuckers. I mean the sickest. One dude, he fucks other dudes in the ass. Holds ’em down and watches ’em scream. Bodybuilder, too. Can you imagine that shit? You’re workin’ out with a guy and he jumps you in the locker room, holds your ass down and fucks you up the butt. Some people are animals, man.”
“So did she identify you?”
“No. That’s the thing. No she didn’t.”
“She didn’t recognize you?”
“Of course she recognized me. She knows me! Looked me straight in the eye and said it wasn’t me.”
Tic Toc sits back and considers. Then he says, “That bitch likes you.”
“No, I know. She catchin’ feelin’s. You better cut that bitch loose.”
“I’m serious man. You got an old lady!”
“She ain’t my old lady.”
“She will be! If you let that bitch. She will be. What you need to do is set that bitch straight. Bitches like that be bringin’ over a toothbrush, then they be bringin’ over a few pair of clothes, then before you know it they livin’ in you room!”
“She ain’t gonna be livin’ in my room.”
“Better watch out! I bet that bitch is plannin’ it right now. You gotta watch out for a bitch like that..she’ll take over your whole life!”
“How you think I need to set that bitch straight?”
“Tell that bitch straight out: we are not together. This is just an occasional thing. You can’t be comin’ over whenever you need cock. This is a one-way street. When I need you, I call you. It don’t be goin’ the other way.”
“You think that bitch will listen?”
“I doubt it. It sounds to me like she in love with you.”
“Fuck. That’s the last thing I need, is some freshman cooch messin’ up my game.”
“Cut her off before she thinks she owns you. That’s what bitches like to do. They slither in with they hands around your cock and they set up shop before you know it they be controllin’ every aspect of you life!”
“I hate bitches, man.”
“I hate ’em too.”
“I mean I really do. My life was goin’ fine before I met this Laely. Gettin’ regular cooch at the club. Nothin’ permanent. Then I meet this bitch and everything falls apart. I mean I’m chasin’ this bitch like I was a schoolboy. I’m startin’ to think I might actually like this bitch, do you belie’e that?”
“You goin’ weak, man.”
“I think you right. We shoulda never fucked that bitch.”
“Some bitches just ain’t worth it.”
“No they ain’t. Some bitches it ain’t worth gettin’ inside they panties. Part of me wish I had never tasted that sweet cooch. I had dreams about that bitch last night.”
“That’s how they do. They get inside your mind, won’t let go of you until they through with you. Ruin your life, son. A clever bitch’ll get her claws in before she even fucks you, by the time she gives up her cooch she own your entire life! Watch that Laely, son, she sound like a killer.”
“You had her, you know.”
“But I ain’t be conversatin’ with her like you.”
“That’s where I went wrong, man. Meetin’ that bitch at the fountain day after day. I think I fallen in love.”
“You got it bad. You want to fuck that bitch again?”
“I’d like to, yeah.”
“Yep. She done fucked you. Got her hooks in deep. This a savage bitch we dealin’ with.”
“She a savage alright. She a beast.”
“My only advice for you is get yourself a new bitch, right away. Like Cassandra. She be suckin’ dick for five dollars. After that leave you alone. Don’t fuck your life that way. You want me to call her back?”
“That bitch sucks dick for five dollars?”
“Yeah, she on scholarship.”
“All I can think about is Laely cooch. Me want to write on it again, this time in Bic pen. I want to write my name on that bitch’s cooch and write FUCK ME inside that bitch’s body. Do you think you can write with a Bic pen inside a bitch’s body?”
“You’re losin’ it, man.”
“I want to open that bitch up through the chest and write all over her organs and shit. Then I want to hold that bitch down and face fuck her while she screams my name. Do you think you can fuck a bitch’s organs, I mean inside her body with your dick? I wanna try that.”
“You wanna take a bitch apart and fuck her?”
“Yeah, I mean why can’t I just cut out Laely’s pussy and take that with me, leave the rest of her behind, just keep that shit in my pocket and fuck it whenever I want to? I don’t need the rest of that bitch. The rest of that bitch just cause me trouble. I need a bitch who is 100% pussy.”
“You need Cassandra.”
“I need that other one.”
“No no no, that other one’s mine.”
“Ok, call them bitches over.”
Tic Toc calls them bitches over.
“Cassandra, is it true you suck dick for five dollars?”
She giggles. “I only suck Sherman’s dick for five dollars.”
“Let me ask you girls a question. Do females enjoy fucking up a dude’s life? I mean when you wake up in the morning, do you just say, ‘Today I’m gonna fuck up a dude’s life?’ ‘Cause when a bitch be catchin’ feelin’s, that exactly what a bitch do. I got a bitch, maybe one of you bitches can help me out with her, but she be catchin’ feelin’s at the most inappropriate times. When you would think that bitch would hate my guts, this bitch be developin’ a crush on my ass. What do you say I do with a bitch like that? You think I should slap her around, maybe show that bitch who’s boss? Or do you think I need to face fuck that bitch, real hard, so that she taste me cum and maybe that cum be impartin’ words of wisdom to that bitch? I need a female perspective on this shit, because this shit be hauntin’ my ass. So what does you bitches say?”
“I’ll suck your cock for ten dollars!”
“You wills? Well that is very valuable information Miss C. Why does you go by Sandra anyway, when you full name is all the more beautiful?”
“That it be. That it be. Thank you for that insight. Where dids you find these bitches, Sherman, in the entry pool for Harvard University? These bitches be some dumb bitches. No offense, but you be some dumb bitches. What is you GPAs?”
“You don’t know you own GPAs? I bet you suck dick like a horse. I gotta get out of here, T.T. Have fun with those bitches.”
“Take Sandra with you.”
“That horse-ass bitch? Forget it.”
“I like horses!”
“I know you do, honey, and you look like one. Why don’t you go out to pasture and chew some hay.”
“Take her home with you and let her suck your dick.”
“I’ve seen the promised land. I don’t let hay-munching bitches suck my dick anymore.”
“Sandra. Walk him home. And when you get there, suck his dick, he’s lovesick.”
“Sandra. Do you have the sweetest pussy this side of the Mason-Dixon? ‘Cause if you don’t, you might as well stay here and suck Tic Toc’s dick.”
“Don’t take no for an answer. He’s depressed! A conniving bitch is trying to destroy this man’s life, Cassandra! Do the man a favor!”
Cassandra grabs my arm and I throw her off.
She’s straightening her dress.
“I don’t think so, horse. Goodnight Tic Toc. Have those bitches go tandem on you. I’m done for.”
I get home and Seymour and stinky faggot are absent. Must have gone on one of their soul-searching walks.
I sit at the computer and no sooner do I sit down than there’s a knock at the door.
Two gentlemen come in. They’re my age, but I’ve never seen them before. One comes right up to me and punches me in the face. The other has bungee cords. As I’m recovering from the shock of being punched in the face, they tie me to me chair with the cords.
The door is still open. One of them goes to close it. When he comes back they drag me chair into the middle of the room.
“To what do I owe this lovely visit?”
“Are you gentlemen here on some sort of a scavenger hunt?”
The one guy punches me again. I can taste blood.
“If you ruin me teeth me is going to have to send you me dental bill, and me’s doubtin’ that you be likin’ that.”
“Just shut, the fuck, up.”
“So you’s not be wantin’ to talk.”
“We’re going to kill you.”
“Me doubts that.”
They get in me face.
“You doubt it? Just wait till Amos gets here.”
“Why, is Amos going to do what you gentlemen aren’t willing to?”
“Amos is going to fuck you up.”
“Right. Me waits for Amos then. In the mean time, want to loosen this cord a bit?”
He punches me again. I feel my jaw crack.
“Do you know why we’re here?”
I look at them.
“Is you here..because of..Miss Donaldson?”
“That’s right motherfucker. We’re here ’cause of Miss. Donaldson. Who you mistreated. Miss Donaldson is one of our girls. And we don’t like when people mistreat our girls.”
“Why she be your girl?”
“Because we follow the rules. We lick pussy when we’re supposed to lick pussy and we stick pussy when we’re supposed to stick pussy.”
“And by stick pussy you means stick yo’ dick in pussy.”
“What the fuck you think I mean?”
“So you’s two gentlemen came here to lecture me on when to licks pussy and when to sticks it?”
“Just wait till Amos comes.”
“Right. I got that. We all be waitin’ till Amos comes. Are you two gentlemen capable of doing anything without Amos?”
He punches me in the stomach. It knocks the wind out of me.
“You ain’t be talkin’ too smooth right now, is you faggot? You mess with our girls, you mess with us. We don’t like when people mistreat our girls!”
“You said that.”
He punches me again. It really takes me out.
“Listen, faggot. Laely Donaldson is from my home town. We went to Sunday school together. I was part of that girl’s confirmation. She didn’t come to school to be fucked with by faggots like you. You don’t know when to keep your cock in your pants. You mess with Laely, you mess with me. Now I wanted to kill you. But Amos, he had a better idea. So we’re just going to sit tight with you shutting the fuck up until Amos gets here, and then we’re going to take care of you.”
“You’s doin’ a fine job of takin’ care of me without Amos’s help. That’s just me opinion.”
“You fucked with the wrong girl.”
“So is you like havin’ a crush on Laely and she never gave it up to you back in Sunday school and you is like jealous?”
“Laely’s just a friend.”
“But doesn’t you want to bone her?”
“Only pigs like you want to bone everything in a skirt.”
“No, I’m pretty sure that’s most every guy.”
“I respect Laely. I wouldn’t bone her unless she wanted to bone me!”
“So you does want to bone her.”
“Do you wanna get punched again? ‘Cause I will take out teeth.”
“So you’s a dentist then?”
SMACK! He punches me again, and I’m definitely bleeding this time.
Then the door opens. A dude walks in in a varsity jacket. He’s got his hand behind his back.
“I’m guessin’ you be Amos.”
“That’s right,” he says, and he brings his hand to the front. He holdin’ a butane canister with a flame throwin’ attachment.
Then Amos inform me he going to burn my dick off.
“First of all, no one going to burn anyone’s dick off.”
Amos press a button on the side of the flame thrower and it light. Blue flame be shootin’ out of the torch. Amos steps toward me.
“I’m gonna tell you a little story,” he says. “I’m jogging the other day. I’m on the sidewalk ’cause I’m trying to stay out of the way of traffic. Coming towards me is this woman. She’s jogging too. She sees me. And some distance away from me she crosses into the street. Starts jogging against traffic. She stays in the street until we pass. Then I turn around. Once she’s sufficiently past me, she crosses back so she’s running on the sidewalk. Now why does this story bother me? Because what kind of world do we live in where a woman is afraid to jog on the same sidewalk as a man..such that she crosses into the street to be farther away from him while they pass? You see what I’m saying? I don’t want that woman to cross into the street. I want her to keep jogging on the sidewalk next to me. Because I love that woman, and not like you love women, either. I love her with my soul. I want good things for her. I want her to feel safe. And I, personally, have never done anything to make her feel unsafe. No. It’s assholes like you who ruin it for everyone. Have women running scared. And, tonight, we’re going to take care of one such problem. And we’re going to do it by addressing you in the only way I think you’ll understand.”
“Which is to burn my dick off.”
“We’re not necessarily going to burn it off. We’re going to burn it beyond recognition. So that you’ll never be able to do any fucking with it again.”
I look at the blue flame. It be strong. It have about a four-inch plume out the front of the torch.
“With this woman jogging, how does you know she crossed the street because she was afraid of you?”
“Why else would she have crossed the street?”
“Maybe she was being polite. She wanted to give you the full berth of the sidewalk to jog on.”
“Maybe. But how many times do I walk down a sidewalk and see a woman afraid to make eye contact with me? Why are women I’m talking to always on the defensive..based on nothing I personally have done. People like you have created an environment of fear for women wherein they’re now afraid of all men, by default, just because of a few animals like you.”
“I resent you callin’ me an animal.”
“You are an animal! You fucked Laely! You think she wanted to be gang fucked by you and your friends?!”
“Did Laely tell you about this?”
“Don’t worry about who told us! Worry about your dick, motherfucker!”
“Right. And has you ever burned anyone’s dick off before?”
“There’s a first time for everything.”
“That true, mate, that true. But has you thought about the fact that you be gettin’ caught and goin’ to jail for burnin’ a motherfucker’ dick off?”
“You didn’t go to jail! Why should we! Are you going to be man enough to go to the police and tell them your dick got burned off?”
“I cross that bridge when I comes to it, friend.”
“Don’t call me friend. What do you guys think, should we start with his eyebrows?” Amos hold the flame close to me face.
“Ain’t the eyebrows a bit irrelevant? I mean shouldn’t you stick to the main course?”
“Ok motherfucker. Take his pants off.”
The two boys move in and start undoing me pants!
“Amos! Don’t you think me and you be makin’ a deal?”
“Like I don’t be fuckin’ no more of your girls and you be leavin’ my dick alone!”
“You expect me to trust you to make that deal?”
“I be feelin’ pretty trustworthy right now!”
The guys are taking me belt off, unbuttoning my pants.
“Don’t you think this be a bit gay?”
“What’s gay about it?”
“You be takin’ my pants off, about to be burnin’ my dick. Don’t you think people’s will find out you looked at me dick?”
“I don’t care.”
They pull my pants off. They be on the floor.
“Take his boxers off.”
To my horror, they start taking me boxers off! They pull ’em halfway down. Me dick is exposed, me balls hangin’ out and everything.
“Any last words?”
“Yes, why doesn’t you let me transfer to another school?”
“You’ll just be fuckin’ women there,” Amos says, and he brings the torch to my balls.
Just then, though, that torch run out! Flame be spurtin’ and goin’ blank. Amos be hittin’ the canister tryin’ to get it started. But it out.
He throw it aside.
Then they start kicking my ass, while I is tied to my chair! All three of ’em kicking, spitting, punching my self. I hear things crackin’, and that be my bone. They be kickin’ me in my dick and shit. I can feel my eyes gettin’ blackened, surprised they don’t pop my damn eyeballs. It be a violent, roughly beating.
But Seymour’s bark, and stinky faggot be comin’ in the room! Them thugs be lookin’ at stinky faggot (who a big boy) and they be evacuatin’ lickety split.
Stinky faggot come over to me. Seymour be lickin’ my wounds.
“Thanks for saving me, roomie!”
“What the fuck happened?”
“Some vigilante motherfuckers, out for vengeance!”
Stinky faggot touches my face. “We’ve got to get you to a hospital.”
I wake up to boobs in my face.
“Are those real?”
“Are those real.”
This woman’s shirt is unbuttoned, several buttons down, and these beautiful titties are staring out at me.
“I’m askin’ you if your titties are real.”
She laughs. “They’re real alright. But they’re not for your pleasure. They’re for feeding my kids.”
I is in a hospital. This woman be my nurse.
“Yes. Five, three, and eighteen months.”
“Your five year old still breastfeed?”
She laugh. “No, but the other two still do.”
“Your three year old still breastfeed? Ain’t that a little old?”
“No. People do it different ways. Now. About you. How are you feeling?”
“I feel like shit.”
“Well, you have three cracked ribs, a sprained ankle, a concussion, among other things.”
“How I get a sprained ankle from some dudes kickin’ my ass?”
“They must have bent your ankle. Does this hurt?”
“Ah! Yeah, that be hurtin’. Where my roommate?”
“I don’t know.”
“He be bringin’ me here, where that faggot go?”
“I’ll check and see if he left a message.”
“How long I been here?”
“Since last night.”
“Damn. Those niggas be layin’ a nigga out.”
“Do you know the people who did this to you?”
“Did they have a reason for beating you up?”
“They some vigilante scumbags. I fucked one of they girls and they decided to fuck me up. Motherfuckers. Motherfuckers had a blow torch, you belie’e that shit? Nigga named Amos be threatenin’ to burn my dick off.”
“You have suffered some injuries down there but I didn’t see any burns.”
“That’s because they torch be goin’ out.”
“You are bruised though.”
“They be kickin’ me in my dick.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you. If you want you can file a complaint with the campus police and maybe they can do something about it. Maybe find the guys. It was a bunch of guys, right?”
“Yeah, it be three guys. But I ain’t be goin’ to no campus police. They already got my name and number for some other shit.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’s in a little bit of trouble with the university police on account of me violently fucking a sequence of innocent little bitches who otherwise be roamin’ the campus free with they panties intact.”
“Yeah’s. So you see’s my dilemma.”
“I’m going to give you something for pain. It’s going to put you to sleep for a while. If you need me, press this button, ok? I or one of the other nurses will come check on you.”
“Miss? What be your name?”
She points to her name tag. Nurse Paula.
“A’ight’s Nurse Paula. Keep them titties safe.”
She hits me with the medicine.
When I wake up, Nurse Paula gone. I hit that button.
Some other bitch comes over. This one’ name tag say Nurse Charlene.
“Where is Nurse Paula?”
“She’s on break.”
“Is she comin’ back?”
“Yeah she’s just smoking.”
“Bitch be breastfeedin’ also be smokin’? Does that seem exactly wise to you?”
“Do you need anything?”
“Why ain’t you blouse undone like Nurse Paula’s?”
“This is just how I keep my shirt.”
“You titties ain’t hot in there?”
“I’m here to help you if you need anything. Are you in pain right now?”
“Yeah, I’s in pain all over my body.”
“Do you want something else for your pain?”
“Nah, nah, don’t put me out again. I be sittin’ chattin’ with you.”
“Chatting isn’t exactly my job.”
“And does you always do your job by the proverbial book?”
“It mean do you always follow the rules.”
“Usually ain’t no way to live. Get me Nurse Paula.”
“So you’re ok for now?”
“I want my old nurse.”
“I’ll send her over.”
“Better, bitch.” I say it quietly but she turn around—she hear me.
Nurse Paula must be takin’ some long smoke breaks ’cause I sit there for a long time. I remember stinky faggot borrowin’ some dude’s car and drivin’ me to the university hospital. And he stayed with me for a while. That dude alright, ‘cept that he a butt muncher. I can’t abide a dude that munch on another dude’s butt.
And I remember them vigilantes, Amos and he friends. The way that blue torch be burnin’, and how if that torch not be goin’ out they be burnin’ me balls off. Ain’t these dudes never heard of the legislative process? That ain’t no way to be dealin’ with things.
Then me think of Laely. The way we rocked her cooch, and how she never be gettin’ four dicks in one night before..how she never be gettin’ any dick before, and we woke her up, woke up that little bitch’s sexuality all at once. Bitches be payin’ for that privilege in certain parts of the world. And then that little bitch went to her vigilante Sunday school partners who had always wanted to fuck that little bitch’s cooch but never got to..and they cames to me to get they rocks off.
Some bitches get off on violence..I don’t understand it.
Eventually Nurse Paula comes back around.
“Where you been keepin’ them titties?”
“How are you feeling?”
“I feels like I just got run over. What kind of cigs you smoke?”
“That be a man’s cigarette.”
“Well I like them.”
“You be havin’ a dick I don’t know about? Be sucklin’ them kids on that little pee pee?”
“The doctor’s going to come over in a little while to talk to you about your injuries. You’ve sustained a very serious head injury.”
“I ain’t bleedin’.”
“You were when you came in. And just because you’re not bleeding doesn’t mean your injuries aren’t serious. Did they hit you with something?”
“With they fists.”
“Believe it or not, that’s enough.”
“Enough for what?”
“To give you a concussion.”
“Is that goin’ to, like, severely impair my cognitive abilities and shit?”
“In this case, no. You may notice some memory loss around the timing of the event.”
“That be the event of gettin’ my ass kicked.”
“Yes. But you should recover completely. The doctor will tell you more. But you need to do whatever possible to avoid this kind of injury in the future.”
“So don’t be fuckin’ other niggas’ bitches.”
“Whatever you have to do. It’s not your fault that you were attacked—and I can offer you some student counselling opportunities for survivors of violent crimes—but if you can do anything to avoid head injuries in the future, that will be a good thing.”
“I’s straight on that front. Me be avoidin’ head injuries like the plague. Do you get a lot of bitches in here who be gettin’ fucked in they pussies against they will?”
“You mean women who have been—”
“Like if four guys fucked they pussy when they wasn’t expectin’ and they got fucked up in the head about it, maybe ’cause they got cracked in the face by somebody’s foot..you get a lot of bitches like that?”
“Unfortunately, yes, we do.”
“What about a bitch with writin’ all over her body, and them words CUM DUMSTER written on that bitch’s forehead..you get a bitch like that?”
Nurse Paula shifts on the bed. “Was that the girl that you fucked with?”
“Yeah, that be the one. I was wonderin’..was that bitch be sustainin’ any permanent injuries? Anything to the head?”
“I’m not supposed to talk about other customers.”
“But what if you was speakin’ to like, a man who really cared about that bitch, and wanted to like, know how that bitch was doin’, so he could like, get it off his conscience about how bad he hurt her.”
Paula moves closer to me on the bed. “Are we talking about Laely Donaldson?”
“Yeah, we is talkin’ about Laely Donaldson. I mean how many bitches you get in here have CUM DUMSTER written across they foreheads?”
“You’d be surprised.”
“So how is that bitch?”
“She’s going to be fine. But she was hurt badly. Her lip needed stitches.”
“And how’s that bitch’s pussy?”
“I’m not going to talk with you specifically about her injuries but you need to know that when you have sex with someone against their will you can rip them, you can tear them in ways that will never be undone.”
“So we ripped that bitch good. That too bad. I liked that bitch.”
“She’s ok. She’s back at home and she was in good condition when she left here.”
“Was she like cryin’ and shit?”
“Yeah, she cried.”
“I was afraid of that. I can’t stand when a bitch be cryin’. That shit be tuggin’ at my heartstrings and shit.”
“She was shaken up by what you boys did. When someone goes through something as violent as what she went through, it can put a person in shock. It takes them a while to accept what really happened.”
“Well, thankfully that bitch was out for most of the proceedings.”
“She remembers more than you think. She confided in me when she was here, what it was like for her, while you all were fucking her. You created a terrifying experience for that girl. She’ll never forget it. It’s going to affect the way she views sex for the rest of her life.”
I be silent.
Nurse Paula continue. “You’ve taken something gentle, something loving, and turned it into an act of violence. Sex is supposed to be for everyone’s pleasure. And for you, it’s become an act of power. All you care about is holding the other person down—not lifting them up, as sex can be when it’s loving.”
“Nurse Paula, does you know what it’s like to be a man, to have a sex drive so powerful that you is willing to kill a person to have sex with them? That you willing to go to jail to fuck a bitch. Does you know what it like to need pussy so bad that you willing to do anything—anything—to get into that bitch’s panties? Does you? Does you know about that?”
“I guess not. But I do know what it’s like to be a woman, to be around that kind of male energy, and never know if a guy is going to kiss you goodnight or force his way into your house and hold you down and fuck you. I know what it’s like to be afraid of men. And I know what it’s like to have a daughter, and be scared of her growing up, because I worry, every night, about what men are going to do to her.”
They be lettin’ me out of that hospital the next day. Stinky faggot had class but me’s could walk. Only me’s needed a pair of crutches the doctor had gave me.
I headed straight over to Baxter, room 211. Some bitch I never saw before answered the door.
“Who is you?”
“Who are you?”
“Is Laely be in there?”
“Laely’s busy,” she say, and she come outside and close the door.
“You is Laely’s roommate?”
“Is you that bitch’s roommate?”
“What do you want?”
“I wants to talk to her.”
“She has company.”
“Who is her company?”
“None of your business. Do you know Laely?”
“Yeah I knows her, in a matter of speaking. I’s her reading buddy.”
Anne’s face changes. “You,” she says. “What are you doing here? She doesn’t want to see you.” And Anne goes for the door.
“Wait. Wait. I’s really needs to see that bitch. I got somethin’ I need to say.”
“She’s got nothing to say to you.”
“I’s need to speak to her myself.”
“Go. Away. Before I call the police.”
“Don’t call the police. Look at me. I’s not a threat. I’s can hardly walk. Me not be here to hurt Laely.”
Laely’ voice come from inside the room. “Who is it?”
“It’s nobody,” Anne say. “Now you listen to me. You’ve done enough. Laely’s just starting to feel better and seeing you is the last thing she needs. So, please, before I call the campus police, get the fuck away from our door.”
“I’s understand. You don’t be wantin’ to see me. That make sense. But I really need to talk to Laely. Me feel bad about what me’s did, and me’s need to tell that bitch. Don’t be turnin’ a nigga away when a nigga got something on his heart to say.”
The door opens. Laely lean out. She see me. She step all the way out of the room.
“Look, Laely, Anne let me know you don’t want to see me. But I got to get this off my chest. I know you don’t want to be listenin’. But you gots to let me say what I gots to say.”
Laely grab my wrist. “Come in. There’s some people I want you to meet.”
I crutch my way into the room. There be some old people in there.
“This is my mom and dad,” Laely say. “Frank and Mary. They came to visit.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Good to meet you too, son. What happened to your foot?”
“Uh. I twisted it. Damn stairs.”
“Tell them what really happened,” Laely say.
“I got beat up by some vigilante assholes out for revenge. So, what brings you to our small town? Are you here for the famous boutique shopping opportunities?”
“Our daughter..just needed us.”
Laely looks at me.
“That’s good she has you. Life be hard, and havin’ parents that care is an important piece of the puzzle. Laely be lucky she be havin’ you. Me own parents—”
“We don’t need to hear about your parents,” Laely say. “Dad was just telling stories about me as a girl. Dad, why don’t you continue.”
“Well, I was just recalling when Laely was in ballet. She was in ballet from before she could even walk. She knew she wanted to dance before she could even speak, it seems like. So we put ‘er in classes, and she loved ’em. Laely, how many years have you been in dance now?”
“I lost count.”
“Well, since she was this high.”
“I didn’t know you danced.”
“I mean ballet danced. Laely and I went dancing once.”
Both Laely and Anne shoot me evil looks.
“But we’s be gettin’ back to your story. So she was dancin’ since she was this high?”
“Laely had many interests. She was better with a bow and arrow than any of the boys, she liked to set traps and play Indiana Jones in the back yard.”
“You played Indiana Jones?”
“She loved that movie. Laely wanted to be a film director for most of her life. It’s only recently that she’s gotten into..what’s your major again?”
“Right. I don’t have a clue what political theory is but I know what film directing is. Laely would make movies on our home video camera, little short films about a bicycle running over a loaf of bread, weird stuff like that. Her mother always thought it was strange but I could see the genius in it.”
“Yeah, Laely a smart bitch.”
“You say a bunch of vigilantes got your foot?”
“That be right.”
“What a time. What a day and age to live in. Our Laely recently experienced some violence. And you with your foot. What you young people have to endure today I just don’t know. Is that a bandage around your chest there?”
“What happened to your chest?”
“Me broke some ribs.”
“How many?” Laely ask.
“And the vigilantes did that?”
“That be right.”
“Laely, have you encountered any of these vigilantes in your time here?”
“Dad, don’t worry about it. He’s fine.”
“He doesn’t look fine.”
“He’ll live, I’m sure.”
“It just ain’t right,” Laely’s mom say.
“Mrs. Donaldson, how are you enjoying your visit?”
“Well, it isn’t under the happiest of circumstances. But I’m enjoying it just fine. I’d feel better if Laely went to a safer school. We didn’t know when we signed her up here that there would be so much violence. It’s unconscionable. I mean we had the same things happen when we were kids but today it’s worse. Or maybe it’s just that people talk about it now. Back then it was all hush hush, you know. Today you tell your family. Back then you didn’t tell anyone.”
“Tell anyone about what?”
“About sexual violence.”
“I’m sorry dear, I’m not trying to give away your secrets but this gentleman deserves to know what we’re talking about. He’s a friend of yours, right?”
“It be ok, Mrs. Donaldson, I don’t need to know.”
“Oh, I suspect it’s something he’s heard all about. You tell your friends, young man, that if they do anything like what happened to Laely they’ll have me to deal with. You tell them.”
“I’ll tell them, Mrs. Donaldson.”
“Young men are too cavalier. They think that just because a girl goes on a date with you that they want to go to bed with them. Do you have a girlfriend?”
“Well that’s too bad. There’s no more rewarding relationship than the one between a man and a woman. Or a man and a man if you’re into that sort of thing—”
“Well whatever. That’s your business. But when you get your girlfriend you treat her right, ok? Do that for an old woman.”
“You aren’t that old, Mrs. Donaldson.”
“Don’t lie to me, I know how old I am. We had Laely late, her and her sister. But we loved ’em, we loved each of them since the day they were born.”
“You have a beautiful daughter.”
Laely glares at me.
“I mean that in the most wholesome way.” I point with my crutch. “Look, Laely, about anything that might have happened the other day—”
“Just shut it.”
“Do you two want some time alone?” Laely’s dad asks.
“Maybe the five of us could go to lunch.”
“Ok, baby, it was just an idea. It’s always nice to meet Laely’s friends.”
“Yes,” Laely says, “it’s always nice. It’s always nice when my friends pop by unannounced, and when their friends pop by unannounced.” Laely looks at me. “Do you want any more of my friends to pop by your place unannounced?”
“You’ve had enough?”
“Yes, me’s had enough.”
“Because more can be arranged.”
“No thank you.”
“I heard there was a little problem with the blow torch.”
“We can fix it.”
“I appreciates that. But that not be necessary.”
“Yes, I’s is sure. If you wants me to goes now..”
“No I want you to stay and listen to my parents tell stories of me as a little kid in the hopes that that makes you see me as a person with a past and feelings and depth and not just as a sex object for you and your friends.”
“Are you sure you two don’t want some time alone?”
“No! Mom, stay. We’re just having a polemical discussion here. This boy be my reading partner. We interested in the same subjects. You should see his dog. He got a really cute dog. He use it to gather up little pieces of pussy from his walks around the campus. How many pieces of pussy you gotten in the last few days, there, reading buddy?”
“None?! Too bad! How have you been managing? Since pussy is like air to you. Did you find any pussy in the hospital?”
“What?! You’re off your game, kemosabe. I would have thought you’d be fucking bitches with your crutch!” She goes to the desk. “Does that make you squeamish? It’s shouldn’t!” Laely take marker after marker out of her desk and throw it at me. “Stick these up a woman’s pussy! Ha! Stick a Magic Marker up a woman’s puss and leave her for dead! Fuck! This be my reading buddy, Mom! This be my reading buddy, Dad! He be respectin’ women real good. Real good. I can’t imagine a more perfect specimen of manhood than this piece of shit. What did you expect coming over here? Have you gotten what you came for? Yes? Well. I think it be time for you to be leavin’ now.”
So I be leavin’. Anne help me out the door and I be hearin’ Laely’ voice screamin’ and she bangin’ things around the room. Me hope she have a good visit with she parents and me head down the stairs in Baxter with me crutches in one hand.
I don’t see Laely for a few days. I be doin’ the normal things and wonderin’ what that bitch be up to. Then one day me and Tic Toc be in the cafeteria.
“There that bitch,” Tic Toc say.
I turn around. Laely be sittin’ down with she friends. I turn back around to Tic Toc.
“We should tag that bitch again,” he say.
“I think it be quite difficult to tag that bitch again, seein’ as how she hip to our game, T.T. It sort of require the element of surprise.”
“We still have the element of surprise. We just get that bitch in some place she not be expectin’, like when she comes out of class or somethin’.”
“Toc, when she comes out of class it be bright as day.”
“Don’t that bitch have any night classes?”
I chew my mashed potatoes. The gravy is runny and cardboard-tasting.
“I think, Toc, that we needs to find ourselves another bitch.”
“But I like that one.”
“Don’t tell me you stuck on her too.”
“Not like you. I ain’t in love with that bitch or nothin’. But that bitch did have a fine cooch.”
“There’s fine cooch everywhere.”
“Not like that bitch.”
“Tic Toc. Laely doesn’t have a magical pussy. You might like to think it’s magical, but it’s not. It’s just a puss, very much like any other. We’re not going out of our way to tag a bitch we already tagged just because you like her cooch. It’s just not going to happen.”
“Tell me you don’t like that bitch’s cooch too.”
“Tell me. Tell me you don’t have a special place in your hardened heart for Laely’ little cooch. Cans you tell me that? Cans you? No. I know you likes that bitch.”
“Yes, I likes her, ok?! But Laely off limits. She out of bounds. That bitch got fucked good and we was the ones to do it. But ain’t no more Laely fuckin’ going to be happening. That girl is wise. She ain’t gonna be lettin’ no brothas in her room for nothin’. Nor goin’ out for drinks allowin’ she self to be corrupted by spirits. She done for. She smart now. That bitch was a one-time opportunity.”
Tic Toc takes a swig off his chocolate milk. “Don’t tell me you is givin’ up. I know that bitch is taggable. She ain’t as smart as you think.”
“I is gave up. I is done. You won’t find me taggin’ no females for no while now.”
“You is givin’ up? You is done taggin’? Bullshit. You can’ts stop taggin if ye wanted to. You’s a natural hound. Be sniffin’ out pussy in yo’ sleep.”
“I done sniffed enough pussy for one lifetime.”
“You just in a slump, man. This Laely bitch got you down. What you need is some upperclassman pussy. Forget all this freshman shit. Get a bitch knows what she doin’, no matter how loose her pussy.”
“I’m done with pussy, Toc.”
“What then? Dick? You be switchin’ sides?”
“No, I don’t be switchin’ sides. I be through taggin’ little innocent bitches who just came to school to be a film director or something.”
“What you talkin’ about?”
“These bitches just be comin’ here to get they education. They don’t be comin’ to get Magic Markers stuck up they pussy.”
“Yes they do,” Tic Toc smiles. “Yes they do. That’s exactly why these bitches come to this school. This be a party school. It be that for a reason. Bitches come here to get they pussies reamed out by fools like us. That part of why they come here! If we wasn’t doin’ what we’s do they wouldn’t be gettin’ they full experience! We as much a part of this campus as Dr. Ping’s philosophy department or the gyro truck or the greens. You cain’t take us out of the equation—wouldn’t be no school left!”
“Listen, Tic. You do whatever you want. I’m just sayin’, after Laely, I’m done.”
“You mean after we does her again.”
“No I mean now.”
“What is so special about this bitch?”
I lean in to Tic Toc. “She hads the opportunity to turns me into the police ands she didn’t. That shit has me shaken, man.”
“So unshake yourself.”
“If that bitch had said, ‘yes I know him,’ instead of ‘no,’ then I woulds be in jail right now, motherfucker. I’s don’t wants to go to jail.”
“You’re not going to go to jail.”
“Bitches be reportin’.”
“Bitches never be reportin’! That’s the whole point! Bitches be scared! We keep ’em scared! You be the master of that technology.”
“I doesn’t want to be the master of that technology anymore.”
“Wake up. Laely was just one bitch who reported. Next bitch won’t be sayin’ nothin’, and next bitch after that won’t be sayin’ nothin. Laely an outlier.”
“Laely could still have my ass if she wanted to. I owe that bitch.”
“You don’t owe that bitch nothin’, man.”
“I met her parents.”
“You met her parents?”
“Yeah. They be talkin’ about how they love they daughter and shit. That shit shook me up.”
“You need to forget about that shit.”
“I think maybe you should meet ’em.”
Tic Toc shakes his head. “You losin’ it, man. Need to check out student counselling and shit. How’s your foot?”
“That shit still hurts. Cans you still see Laely?”
“Yeah. That bitch eatin’ yogurt.”
“Eatin’ yogurt, huh?” I turn around.
“That bitch be primed for fucking up the ass.”
“Man don’t talk about Laely’s ass like that.”
“After I fucks her up the ass,” Tic Toc says, “I be stickin’ my dick in that bitch’s mouth getting shit all over that bitch’s tongue. What’s you got to say about that?”
“Don’t be crazy, man.”
“Why I be’s crazy? You the one called me, sayin’, ‘yeah I gots this bitch over in Baxter 211, come fucks this bitch and bring Macrobiotik yo!’ You be invitin’ random fools from across the hall ain’t be gettin’ no pussy from they girlfriends..psycho motherfuckers be tearin’ that bitch’s cunt and shit.”
“I tore her cunt.”
“You ain’t tear no bitch’s cunt, my friend. That was Kevin’s ass.”
“I tore it. I was fucking her first and we looked down and you said, ‘look there’s blood comin’ from that bitch’s cunt,’ and I looked down and there was blood comin’ from that bitch’s cunt. It be ok to fuck a bitch but to be tearin’ a bitch’s cunt?..that be some animalistic shit that I don’t want to be havin’ no part of.”
“A bitch’s cunt is liable to get tore from time to time.”
“Yeah but not by me. You see what I’m sayin’?”
“What happened to you, man? You don’t sound like yourself.”
“This bitch just got me spooked.”
“Because she let you off with the cops?”
“That, and..she don’t treat me like shit, man. She treat me nice.”
“Haint you ever been treated nice by no bitch before?”
“Not really, man. Has you?”
“When a bitch suck my dick, that be nice!”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about meeting a really nice and true and genuine person. Has you ever had that?”
“I don’t know what you be talkin’ about man.”
“I’m going to talk to her.”
“Right. That be a good idea. When you fuckin’ that bitch next you lean up and whisper into her ear and you tell her that you love her.”
“I’m going to talk to her now.”
“Don’t do it yo! That girl be with her friends. They likely be hatin’ on you, bro!”
“They should. They should hate on me. We— We fucked that girl up, we deserve their hate.”
“Is somethin’ wrong with you, man.”
“I don’t know, Tic Toc, I just don’t want to be going up to bitches on the bike path anymore scarin’ they asses to death. Me thinks me movin’ on.”
“You is movin’ on from pussy, is what you doin’.”
“Maybe. But our way ain’t the only way to get pussy.”
“It’s the only way to get mad pussy. You be movin’ on, you be cuttin’ yo’ supply down to a trickle.”
“I gotta go.” I get up, put both crutches under one arm and carry my tray with the other. I go toward Laely’s table, seein’ all them bitches laughin’ and eatin’ yogurt and doin’ what bitches do. I’m startin’ to feel nervous, like talkin’ to a girl I like in the second grade, and I’m thinkin’, “Is this what love is?” when Laely looks over and sees me and she gets this grave look on her face.
I’m just thinkin’ I’ll say what I have to say to that bitch and move on, and maybe her friends be leavin’ me alone, not be givin’ me too much of a hard time for talkin’ to her.
So I get to the table, and I’m crutching my way along, rest my foot on the floor and Laely stands up and throws her tray in my face. The plastic tray falls makin’ a loud sound, the silverware falls and I have mashed potatoes in my face and gravy running down my arm and both of the crutches.
Laely look terrified—like I just beat her up or something. She face trembling. She about to cry.
“I don’t want to see you,” she say, and she turn her back to me and run away. She headin’ for the cafeteria bathrooms and one of her friends be goin’ that way.
I hop on one foot, leanin’ down to grab Laely’ tray. I put it under me own and hobble off to put our dishes on the conveyor belt.
Me goes up the hill. It be slow goin’ with the crutches, but me be takin’ in the sights, young bitches in they tight panties likely walkin’ with miniature dildos in they cooches. Remote control in they pockets, be vibatin’ theyselves to orgasm on the walk to class.
When I gets to the top of the hill, there be this superfly hunny lightin’ a cigarette. Somethin’ about seein’ a bitch light a cigarette always get me woody. Maybe it be the way she be partin’ her lips allowin’ for that slender jim of a cancer stick to go inside her. Whatever it is, I gots me some elevation seein’ that bitch light up.
I’s be thinking about that cigarette-lightin’ bitch as I walks through the green. She seem like an innocent bitch. Me be wondering if her parents know she smoke. Me like to be there when they find out, to see the look on that bitch’s face when she exposed. Then me be fuckin’ that bitch down to she toes, waxin’ that bitch up in lubricant and flippin’ that bitch like a burger. Fuck that bitch up her asshole when she least expectin’.
Before I’s knows it I’s at me and Laely’s spot: the fountain. I’s hadn’t planned on goin’ here, exactly, but this was like the only spot to go, as of late. It be where Laely and I sit and talk about books, where we met and where she first pet me dog. I be missin’ that bitch somethin’ fierce, and be sad that we be comin’ to the end of our acquaintance.
I sits on the edge of the fountain, puttin’ my crutches next to me. I get a dirty look from a bitch who must not like cripples—she move away when I sit down. I be thinkin’ about how cruel a world it be where a bitch don’t like a nigga just because he walk with a limp, that she move away from him when he sit down next to her, when it strike me that bitches have it hard, too.
To be a bitch in this world, comes with a special set of disadvantages.
First of all, bitches be weak. Which mean that any nigga that come alone can hold that bitch down and fuck her. Whereas if you’re a guy, and some guy attacks you, you have a fighting chance. But a bitch, no. Unless she a really big bitch, then she might be able to fight a nigga off. But no one wants to fuck a really big bitch anyway, so she don’t have no problems.
Bitches bein’ weak also mean they can’t play the major sports—you don’t see bitches playin’ football. And it also mean that bitches run weird. Has you ever seen a bitch run? They run like a cross between an insect and a butterfly, with they arms flailin’ about. You have to think that does some damage to a bitch, psychologically—the fact that they run like a mantis.
Also, bitches be preoccupied with they looks. And of course we like that—we like a bitch to be lookin’ fine. But that has to take a toll on a bitch, her bein’ always concerned with she hair and she toenails and she scent and shit. Me I just spray on some Drakkar Noir and get out the door, but a bitch..she gots to be perfumed in all the right places. She gots to have pumpkin spice-flavored yeast infection cream, for chrissake. I mean a bitch gotta have separate perfume for her hoo ha that be separate for her perfume for she armpits and that be separate for her perfume for she hair. That shit be tiresome.
A bitch’s looks is very important, because without it a bitch has nothing. It don’t matter how smart a bitch is if she don’t got looks, because nobody pay attention to an ugly bitch. This a hard fact of life, but it be a fact bitches has to accept. A cute bitch can go far in life. An ugly bitch, not so much. That sucks for ugly bitches.
Maybe they should be a welfare program for ugly bitches where each guy agrees to fuck an ugly bitch once a month. That way they be gettin’ somethin’ for theyselves. I hates to see an ugly bitch’ pussy go unused, even if she is an ugly bitch. Brown bag that bitch, but get that bitch’s pussy. Pussy has no face, as the expression goes.
I be sittin’ at this fountain and they be a group of undergraduates like meself, and they be playin’ some game where they be kissin’ each other after they drop the ball, and I be thinkin’: is these just some kids bein’ playful playin’ with they ball, or is these some panty-droppin’ freaks like to get freaky with each others between they classes? Be sex cults up in this motherfucker, some of these kids. There be this big-tittied brown-haired girl be wearin’ a bunch o’ necklaces and I be like, drop the ball, bitch, kiss these lips. I take you to the shower room and shaves yo’ pussy.
A bitch gots to shave her pussy. Otherwise, it be like the Amazon down there. Especially if a bitch wants her pussy eaten, she gots to shave it. I don’t be eatin’ no nasty pussy.
Laely got it right: keep that ass clean, keep that pussy shaved. I think she be moisturizin’ her ass because when we was fuckin’ her I gotst a couple fingers down there and that ass felt like watermelon seabreeze or some shit.
Laely be keepin’ her pussy tight, be keepin’ her hair done, breasts ridin’ high—always lookin’ right. She be seemin’ like she lead a charmed life, if you ask me. But then me thinks about what we dids to her.
Imagine it. You is goin’ out for drinks with a guy and he intentionally get you so drunk you’s can hardly walk home, such that you has to be leanin’ on the guy and shit.
You get home. That motherfucker argues with your ass, then kicks yo’ ass across the room. You be hittin’ the door and BAM! you be goin’ down. Half conscious, you be lyin’ in a pool of your own blood—bleedin’ from the lip.
Your cooch be scared, because you know this nigga wants to bone. It be curlin’ up in all its inside places, fearin’ the cock that wants to FUCK IT!
Fuck, you be scared. Then you almost be passin’ out because of all them Tom Collins’s, and you be thinkin’, when I wakes up is I gonna be pregnants? Is this nigga’s sperm goings to go inside me and makes a baby? Is I going to have to have an abortion to terminate this motherfucker’ seed? Is that baby going to be an alien baby and comin’ out through my stomach with teeth and claws and shit?
Then that nigga calls his friends. You feel him pulling off your panties and you see that nigga stuffing them in his pocket! Is this fool some kind of a collector or something? Then his friends arrive.
Then the fucking begin. This nigga get his dick hard and grab your neck to pull on you while he sticks it in. You’ve got some guy’s dick inside you that you never intended to have inside you! And he’s fucking hard. He fucks you so hard you feel it in your teeth. That nigga don’t care about about nothin’ but makin’ heself cum. And he goin’ to use your pretty pussy to do it.
Your pretty pussy, that you was savin’ to give to the guy you liked, some guy in your political theory class with the Clark Kent hair and the dorky glasses. You were protecting your pretty pussy for that motherfucker, not this one, and now this one is squirting his disgusting cum inside your cervix and ripping you open.
Then of course his friends fuck you. And your already-burning pussy is ripped apart again, and again, by some guys who think you’re a piece of shit, that you’re nothing put a piece of ass. And you’re lying on the floor getting your head banged against the door, and your roommate is..out..having fun, probably with a decent guy.
You start thinking about swearing off dick forever, then you pass out.
When you wake up, there’s a burning in your puss. It takes you a second to remember what happened. Then you do. Then you pull the Magic Marker out of your pussy and you think, “What kind of animal would stick a Magic Marker up my pussy?”
Then you look in the mirror. And you see that you are not only a CUM DUMSTER but a SLUT and a PORN STAR and that your clit is labeled and your cunt has arrows pointing at it telling (whoever) to OPEN HERE.
You think about how you’re going to go to class with CUM DUMSTER written across your forehead. Then you realize you aren’t going to class. Then you realize you just got fucked by four guys and it is so not cool.
And I’m wondering, did Laely cry then? Did she smash things? Did she realize her vodka was missing?
That bitch seems tough but what must it be like to be a girl, and to be fucked like that, and to wake up and live the rest of your day after that has happened?
And just as I am thinking that, who is coming off the green and headed toward the fountain, but Laely. Does she see me? She has a big book in her arms and looks like she is ready to take on an army.
She sees me.
She comes right up to me and says, “I want you dead.” Then she turns around and turns back to me. “Are you seriously sitting here? Are you seriously, non-ironically sitting here?”
I say nothing.
Laely walks around to the other side of the fountain. I can see her through the water. She sits, opens her book, and starts to read.
She has such a peaceful way about her. Even after what just happened, she sits straight, lips pressed together, and follows the words. She is a proper person, a person with a certain order—an order which should have been destroyed. But which wasn’t. I wonder if her pussy’s tore while she’s sitting there.
Poor girl if she is. I mean if she tore. I would hate to think about a girl’s pussy being tore while she try to read a book. It might distract her from the read.
Me try to imagine Laely in high school, when she more of a girl. What did her face look like when it was younger, when she was in Sunday school.
Me has things to say to Laely, and me wait for what seem to be a good stopping point. Maybe when she come to the end of a chapter. Or when she get up. But she doesn’t get up. She read and read and read.
Me be thinkin’ reading be a defense mechanism for bitches whose pussy got tore when Laely close her book.
I go over.
“I was thinkin’ this be a good time to talk to you.”
“I’s gots somethin’ I’s gots to say to you, Laely doll.”
“Don’t call me doll. Do you hear me? Don’t ever call me doll.”
“Ok, well..Laely..I gots to say somethin’.”
“Say it to someone else. We’re through.”
“I’s understands that—”
“Do you? Do you understand that after what you did to me, there is no going forward? That’s the end. So go. Go away. I’m busy.”
“What I gots to tell you Laely is that I’s sorry. I’s means it. I gots to get this off me chest. I is sincerely sorry for what I’s and my friends dids to you the other day. It be eatin’ me, Laely, and I’s be needin’ to tell you that.”
She wipes a tear from her eye. “Do we have to talk about this right now?”
I looks around. There’s people all over the place.
“I’s be sorry, L. I knows you’s be hatin’ me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“No, I don’t hate you. I think you’re a misguided person and I think I don’t really want to discuss this with you now or ever.”
“Ok’s then. Thanks for listenin’. I guess I be goin’ now.”
Laely has she head in she book and she don’t look up.
I take one step back, looking at her, hoping she’ll look at me, but she don’t. I looks around. Be students everywhere. Everyone comin’ this way and goin’ that way and everyone livin’ their lives. Strike me that Laely goin’ to move on from this and forget about me someday..I be just another shadow for her.
I walk back up to that fountain and sit next to her.
She keep readin’.
I look at that bitch. And she look radiant.
She looks at me. “Really?” she say.
“You’re really going to sit here?”
“Why, is you be movin’ if I sit here?”
“No, I ain’t movin’,” she say.
“Well does you mind if I sit here?”
She blows air out her mouth and goes back to her book. About a minute later she looks up. “Do you have to look at me?”
“I ain’t lookin’.”
“Yes you were. You’re unbelievable. I listened to your apology, ok? And I accept it. But sorry isn’t going to cut it. Do you really have to make things worse by taking over my reading spot and staring at me while I read?”
“I stop staring.”
“Why don’t you leave.”
I turn to me left. Leave Laely behind. There be a skinny girl making notes in a book. She look like a model. I look into the book and it be some Olde English-type stuff.
“What is you readin’?”
“Abelard and Heloise.”
“Is you a model?”
She flips her hair. “Why do you ask?”
“‘Cause you is beautiful like a model. Does you have your modeling pictures with you?”
“I’m not a model.”
“Buts you should be.”
I hear Laely make an “uh” sound from my right.
I turns to my right. “Does you have a problem?”
She just rolls her eyes and goes back to reading.
I turns to my left. “So you say you isn’t a model, but you had such beautiful eyes. Where did you get them?”
“Where did I get my eyes?”
“Yes, they are so rare.”
“You think my eyes are rare?”
“I have never seen anything like them.”
“I got them from my parents.”
“Oh, so you’s didn’t get them as transplants or nothin’. Me just thought there was no way eyes like these could come about natural like. Ands your nose..where did it come from?”
She laughs. “My parents.”
“So you’s got all these beautiful features from your parents, eh?”
“And does you like reading about medieval love affairs?”
“Isn’t you reading about those two perverts Abelard and Heloise? Didn’ts they have sex when they wasn’t supposed to? Wasn’t they religious preverts who made love in churches using crucifixes as dildos?”
“That’s what I say, preverts.”
“‘Preverts’? What’s a prevert?”
“It’s like a pervert but sicker. I’s a prevert, is you?”
“Am I a prevert?”
“I don’t know. I don’t believe that preverts exist.”
“Oh they exist alright. I’s one.”
“You mentioned that.”
“Do you know what happens when a prevert and a pervert gets together?”
“Does you wants to find out?”
“No. I have to read.”
“Alrights. You does your readin’ about preverts and I’s sits here starin’ at your beautiful features.”
Another scoff sound from Laely’ side.
I turn to Laely. “Does you got a problem?”
She shakes her head. Laely look so beautiful today.
“Does you know you is one of the most beautiful women I has ever seen?”
Laely looks pained. “Just leave me alone.”
I turn back to that perverted bitch. I grab her book. “I got a question for you. Does you think that modeling bitches be havin’ tighter pussies than regular bitches or does that just be a nasty rumor?”
“I didn’t know that was a rumor.”
“Well does you has a tight pussy? ‘Cause I can’t abide a bitch with a big pussy.”
Laely stands up and takes the book from me. She hands it back to that modeling bitch.
“I’m sorry. He’s untrained. You. Come with me.”
She grabs my hand and drags me away from the fountain. She still got she own book open and under she arm. She drag me to a tree.
“From now on,” she say, “no more talking to bitches about they pussies. That’s part of the new rules. You don’t ask a bitch about her pussy. You don’t talk about it, until you’re in bed with that bitch and she letting you touch it and you compliment her on how wonderful it is. Got it?”
“That be fine and well. But bitches be talkin’ about a nigga’s dick, about what size it is and shit. Is that ok?”
“No. We’re not talking about what some bitches do that may or may not be right. We’re talking about what you’re going to do from now on.”
“So you is trainin’ me?”
“And what does I get out of it?”
“You get to be a better person.”
“No offense but..is that worth it?”
“Yes. Yes. It’s worth it. You won’t do to some other girl what you did to me, and it’ll be worth it to you and her.”
“So what’s me next lesson?”
“You have to stop calling women bitches.”
“Well whats do I call them?”
“Women. Not girls. Not hunnies. Not bitches. Women.”
“What if I can’ts do that?”
“Then we’re done. If you can’t learn that lesson then we’re done.”
“I thought you saids we were done already.”
“We are. I just can’t stand by while you harass that girl over there about the size of her..thing. You’re having an effect on other people emotionally. You need to take responsibility for not making other people feel bad.”
“I knows I make you feel bad and I’s sorry, Laely.”
“It’s ok. It’s not ok, but..I know you can’t help it. But you have to start helping it.”
“Because otherwise I’m gonna end up in jail.”
“No! Fuck jail! Because you’re hurting people, asshole!”
“I’s is really sorry I hurt you. In a way I’s never been sorry before, I’s feel like you is a good person and I came into yo’ life and fucked around. If you’s wants your panties back I’s gives ’em to you.”
“I don’t want ’em.”
“If you’s wants me to lick your pussy to makes up for it I’s do’s that.”
“If you ever talk about licking my pussy again I’ll kill you.”
“I think you serious, too.”
“I am serious. I’ll rip your fucking throat out and I’ll cut it up and feed it to your dog. Don’t you ever mention my pussy again.”
“I’s got a question for you, Laely.”
“Please don’t make it nasty.”
“It ain’t nasty. It this. When you cames to the campus police to identifys me, and me was there with Seymour, why didn’ts you identifys me?”
“You’re so stupid. Don’t you know? I didn’t identify you because I liked you. I liked you. And you ruined everything.”
I takes a step back.
“What does you mean you likes me?”
“I liked you. Past tense.”
“You mean you liked hanging out with me by the fountain, readin’ and shit.”
“No. I mean I liked you. Like liked you liked you.”
“It was stupid, I know, since you’re a steaming piece of shit, but I did, I liked you.”
“Does this mean..that we’s woulds have gotten to have sex anyways?”
“You woulds have had sex with me.”
“I was planning to, eventually. I’m not saying it was 100% guaranteed but there was a good chance, yeah.”
“Don’t fucks with my mind likes that.”
“I’m not fucking with your mind. I’m telling you how it is.”
“But how woulds you likes me, when I is a piece of shit?”
“You’re not a piece of shit.”
“Yes I is. You was right when you saids that. All I evers wanteds from you was to fucks you, and not in a nice way. Me’s never really had a nice relationship.”
“Are you gonna tell me about your childhood now?”
“No, I’s is just wonderin’ what you sees in me, with what I dids to you. I knows I’s a rough customer.”
“Well I don’t see it anymore. But..before..I thought you were kind of sweet. You had won me over with..whatever. It doesn’t matter now. Now we’re this.”
“What we is?”
“A pathetic pair. ‘Cause I’m still talking to you, because I’m some kind of idiot. You’re one of my only friends. Or..you used to be.”
“I’s sorry. I didn’t know we was friends.”
“So what were you doing? We were hanging out. Was that all to get down my pants?”
I looks at Laely.
“You’ve got a one-track mind. I understand. Sex is everything to you. You were probably raised that way. To hate women.”
“I doesn’t hate women. I loves them.”
“No you don’t. You’re serious? You think someone who loves women does what you did to me? Sex for you is masturbating with a despised object.”
“I don’t understands.”
“Yes you do. Don’t play dumb with me. After what we’ve been through. Don’t lie to me over silly things.”
“You say sex for me is masturbating with a despised object?”
“Me despises meself, Laely. Me hates meself. That why it so hard for me to believe that you likes me.”
“I believe that you despise yourself. That I have no trouble believing. Did someone early in your life hate you?”
“I don’ts know! I don’t think so. I think this is just the way I am!”
“That’s unacceptable! You have to figure it out. You have to figure out who you are so you can be a better person in the world.”
“Is you tryin’ the tough love approach with me?”
“I’m just saying I’m sorry for whatever happened to you as a kid, but whatever it is is making you into a person who hurts people, and that’s not ok!”
“I don’t know that anything happened to me as a kid.”
“Ok. Whatever. What were we talking about?”
“My self hatred.”
“Look. I don’t have time to counsel you. I’m your victim. For us to even be talking is sick.”
Laely starts away.
“Don’t go girl. You is my only friend.”
She stop. “What about Tic Toc and Macrobiotik?”
“They ain’t be no kind of friends. Tic Toc still be talkin’ about taggin’ your ass, even after what we did to you. I cain’t be hangin’ around me old friends when me makin’ a total life change.”
“Is that what you’re doing, making a total life change?”
“Laely, come on a walk with me. Walk with me up the ave. Let us catch the sights of birds and children going to and fro. It be a nice way to spend twenty minutes.”
“Just up the ave and back.”
“And by the ave you mean State Street?”
“State Street, yeah. Put your arm around a nigga’ arm and let us walk like civilized people.”
“I’m’onna skip the arm-in-arm part but I’ll walk you, ok.”
“You’s be walkin’s with me?”
“Against my better judgment.”
“You’s a fine chick, Laely.”
“Thanks for not calling me a bitch.”
So we walked up the ave, and though it wasn’t arm in arm, we stepped close to each other and held our faces high.
“My friends would kill me if they knew I was walking with you.”
“That be the same with my friends, truth be known.”
“Why would they be upset with you?”
“Because if they knew’d’s I was walkin’ with you without the intention of getting down you’s pants they would think they be somethin’ wrong with me head.”
“I don’t believe that you have no intention of getting down my pants.”
“Why don’t you? Was the one time enough? Oh my gosh.”
“I just realized. You might have not even liked fucking me. What if you went to all that trouble and I disappointed you. I know I shouldn’t care what you think. And I still hate you. But tell me you at least liked doing it with me.”
“Don’t worrys, Laely, I dids.”
“This is sick. This has to be the last time we see each other. I can’t explain it but you is comforting to me, even though you make me feel really skeevy.”
“I is rubbin’ off on you.”
“You said, ‘you is.'”
“Oh. I like the way you talk. It took me some getting used to. Listen. We both need to get counselling and never see each other again. Can you agree to that?”
“Laely, I’s got something I’s gots to tell you.”
“I don’t think I can take any more of your confessions. You scare me. What you say scares me.”
“Then why is you walkin’ with me?”
“Because. Your offer was so innocent, I wanted to encourage you. I think you need encouragement to act normal, to do normal things with girls, etc. This walk is part of your training.”
“I likes when you train me.”
“Well stop. You’re not meant to like it.”
“I likes to be dominated by you.”
“I want to make something very clear. This walk doesn’t mean that I like you. We’re not hanging out. You need to find someplace other than the fountain to sit. And we are never, ever having sex again. I still want you dead.”
“I doesn’t believe you.”
“Just stop with your cutesy shit alright. I’m here out of the goodness of my own heart, because I believe you can be a better person.”
“Me likes that you good.”
“Yeah, you like it in some sick sexual get-off way, like you’re going to go home and masturbate to the image of me being good.”
“How dids you know?”
“Someone should arrest me for being so crazy.”
“Why is you crazy?”
“For standing next to you.”
“Laely, I think you is a beautiful person.”
“No you don’t.”
“Yes I does. I wants us to be together.”
“You had that. It didn’t work out for me so well.”
“Not like that. Like the way we would have been if I hadn’ts gotten you drunk and taken you backs to your room. Like if we had been together natural like.”
“That’s never going to happen.”
“I would like it to.”
“It can never happen. I don’t see you like that anymore.”
“How does you see me?”
“As a monster.”
“What kinds of monster?”
“A really fucked-up one. I’ll walk you to the post office and back and that’s it.”
“Can I tempt you to walk me to the Denny’s and back?”
“What about the bank?”
“Post office and back. That’s it. Then you let me read and you find another fountain to read at.”
“Laely, there’s something burning on my mind that I be gotstin’ to tell you.”
“It be somethin’ that I be hasin’ to tell you’s real bad.”
“I guess you better tell me.”
“It be hard.”
“Tell me you’re not talking about your cock.”
“I’s is talkin’ about what I’s gotst to tell you.”
“Well. I’m here. I’m listening to you for the moment.”
“I be somewhat embarrassed to tell you.”
“You stuck your dick in my cunt while I was passed out on my dorm room floor. What could you possibly be embarrassed to tell me?”
“It be somethin’ very personal.”
“I’m not sure I want to hear it.”
“It be about me, not about you.”
“Even more so. Maybe you should just keep..whatever this is..to yourself.”
“No, I think I be’s tellin’ you.”
We stop walkin’. Laely be lookin’ at me.
“I thinks I love you.”
Laely laughs. “You don’t, trust me.”
“I be serious. Laely, I thinks I is in love with you.”
“I don’t even think..that you know what love is!”
“If it be a feelin’ in your heart that make you feel all butterfly-ey and shit..somethin’ that be eatin’ out your stomach and makin’ you feel like you’re gonna puke..then I think I be havin’ that feelin’.”
“Look, you’re not in love with me. We just had sex. We didn’t even do that. You just wanted my pussy and you took it. That doesn’t make us in love.”
Then Laely get this real sad look on she face, and I be thinkin’ that my love make her sad, so soon I be askin’ her what is wrong.
“It’s just that..I’m standing here thinking..and I’m realizing that based on who you are, you might never experience intimacy that isn’t forced. And what a sad life that is.”
“Don’t be sad for me, Laely.”
“That’s not what made me sad. I was thinking that the same might be true for me. Maybe you’re the only kind of intimacy I’ll ever know.”
We be in front of the bank.
“Let me show you something, Laely.”
“No, not be my cock.” I grab her hand. “Come inside, I be showin’ you somethin’ that be cheerin’ you up.”
She take her hand back. “I think I’m going back by myself. Thanks for the walk.”
“Laely, not-doll, give me five minutes. I be showin’ you something that be puttin’ a smile on your face, for sure! Give a nigga a chance!”
She give me a skeptical look.
“Give a nigga a chance, Laely not-doll.”
“Alright,” she says, “I’ll give a nigga a chance.”
We’re in the bank, inside the vault, and the attendant helps me get my box. Then she leaves and it’s just me and Laely staring at it.
“What’s inside?” she says.
“I like to imagine it’s a ton of cash, that you’re rich and you never told me, that you’re about to go on a trip overseas to avoid going to jail in case I told on you.”
“It’s not cash. Guess again.”
“Maybe a bomb. Like you were planning on breaking into the bank and you started by planting a bomb inside the safe. That way you could disable the alarm systems—”
“It’s not a bomb.”
“Well open it, then.”
I lift open the lid, and Laely looks inside. Her eyes brighten.
“Does it have bullets in it?”
Laely smiles. “Can I pick it up?”
“Go aheads, Laely not-doll.”
She picks it up.
“That ’cause it real.”
“What do you use this for?”
“Nothings. I keeps it in me box.”
“But when it isn’t in the box.”
“Me uses it to shoot people.”
“Tell me you’ve never shot anyone.”
“I has never shot anyone.”
“Is that true?”
“Why are you showing me this?”
“To cheer you up.”
“To cheer me up, you’re showing me a gun?”
“I thoughts it might be something you had never seen before.”
“You’re right. Are we taking it with us?”
“If you wants to.”
“Yeah. Bring it along. That way you can protect me.”
“From big bad mothers who might want to fuck you against your will.”
So we take that gun out. I sticks it in my waist and covers it with my shirt. We go past that Constance bullshit teller who won’t haves sex with me and we walks into the sunlight.
“So whats now?”
“I wouldn’t mind walking with you for a little longer,” Laely says.
So we heads off down the hill. I’m feelin’ good with my piece, feelin’ again like nobody can touch me, and if we happen upon any shitheel bitches (or their dudes) who get in my way..then BAM!
Laely takes my arm. It instantly calms me.
“Pretend we met under different circumstances,” she says. “Pretend we met as kids and nothing bad ever happened between us. Say you and I never had sex, and we were just out for a walk because we happen to go to the same school.”
“Like we met when we was kids, in the same Sunday school and shit, and we was just friends?”
“Right. Pretend that there’s nothing negative between us.”
“And I never rocked your pussy?”
“Yes, you never rocked my pussy or wrote all over me with Magic Marker. What if we had met and had a nice relationship, instead of the one we’ve had, what would the world be like then?”
“I guesses it would be better.”
“It’s kind of a rhetorical question.”
“It’s ok. You still have your piece?”
“Got it right here.”
“You going to protect me?”
“To the death, baby.”
Laely frown, I guess ’cause I called her baby. Whatever. You can’t please a bitch all the time.
“Let’s get Seymour.”
“You wants to see my dog?”
“Yes, is he available for a walk?”
“That depend if my roommate got him out already.”
“Can we check?”
“Sure, Laelys, we can checks. We head over in that direction and see if that bruiser be’s available for a little walk.”
“Thanks,” she say, and she rest her head on my arm.
We walks like that for a while, and I’s thinkin’ this must be what it’s like to have a little girlfriend. Takin’ walks around the campus and bein’ peaceful—with a gun in your belt just in case. Nobody was goin’ to fuck with Laely, ‘cept for me. And even I might not fucks with that bitch too much—that bitch had had enough. A good bitch needs a rest from time to time. She need to rest she pussy. Give it time to heal, until which time it be available for grand slam fucking once again.
My poor little Laely’ pussy needed time to heal, and me would give it to her.
“Does you thinks you could ever likes me again?”
She took a long time to answer.
“I don’t know. I might be able to. It depends on how good you are. You’re a bit wild. And I don’t like to have wild things around my pussy. Not your type of wild anyway. You have to understand what we’ve been through, me and my pussy. You traumatized us. We’re dissociating now, talking about ourselves in the third person.”
“Stop fucking with me.”
“Alright. But still. It’s been a rough week, you know? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to like you again, or that I’ll want to. You can’t just fuck a bitch like that and expect her to like you. If you treat me real nice for a long time I might be able to.”
“If you wants I gives you a back massage.”
“That’s a nice offer. When we get to your room?”
“Let me think about it. Maybe if your roommate’s there I can come in for a back rub.”
“Alright, you thinks about it.”
We walks some more, and before you know it we at’s my apartment.
“Is you comin’ in?”
“Can’t you just get the dog?”
“I’s really likes it if you comes in with me.”
“Do you promise to be good?”
“If my roommate’s not there we leaves right away.”
Laely waits a while.
“Ok, let’s go.”
So I takes her hand and we goes inside the building.
We goes down my hall.
Stand in front of me door.
I opens the door.
Seymour jumps up on me and bark! There be nobody else inside.
“Looks like stinky faggot ain’t here.”
“What’s stinky faggot?”
“That’s my roommate.”
“You call your roommate stinky faggot?”
“What’s his name?”
“His name be stinky faggot.”
“What’s his real name?”
“Why you wanna know his real name?”
“Because he’s a person, he has a name, and he deserves to be called by his name.”
The dog jump on Laely and she pet his head. Then Seymour settle down a bit and I look at Laely.
“So what’s his name?”
“He name is Josh.”
“That’s a nice name,” she say. “From now on I want you to call him Josh.”
“Is this part of my training?”
“Yes. No more stinky faggot, ok? Josh. Do you promise?”
I look away.
“Do you promise?”
“Sure, Laely. For you, I call him Josh.”
“Good. Now does Seymour want to come for a walk?”
“I don’t know, Seymour, does you want to come for a walk?”
Seymour bark. He bark! Like it was meant to be!
So I get his leash and we lock up the door.
Laely insist on holding the leash. We promenade around the low lands and Laely leadin’ us this way and that. I followin’ the two of them, it seem like—Laely callin’ the shots.
“Laely, not-bitch, what does you think about me lickin’ your pussy—just a little bit. Me be’s thinkin’ that after the beatin’ you took you’s could be usin’ a little tongue lovin’ on yo’ pussy. What does you think?”
“Well,” she say, “I’ll think about it.” Then she silent for a long time.
“Laely, not-cunt, what about if I was to tongue your asshole for a little while. Me thinks you be likin’ it and me’s would keep me dick far, far away from you’s sweet little pucker hole while me was doin’ it. What would you think about that sort of proposition?”
“Well,” she’d say, “I’ll think about it.” Then that bitch be silent for a long time.
So I’d say, “Laely, not-whore, when you is silent for a long time, do you be thinkin’ about me suckin’ on yo’ titties while yo’ pussy is propped open by my dick? Or does you think I should put clothespins on yo’ titties and prop open yo’ pussy with my tongue? Because I’s thinkin’ that if you let me try again, that I be makin’ you cum this time when we fucks and you be likin’ it like gangbusters.”
“Well,” Laely say, “let me think about it.”
“Does my nasty talk bother you?”
“No. Keep telling me what you want to do to me.”
So I dids. I be thinkin’ this bitch be beat or somethin’ as a little kid and she likes to be punished by like havin’ sex with her aggressor—somethin’ like that. So I be’s tellin’ her about these complex fantasies I be havin’ where Laely be fuckin’ me on the hood of a car while we be drivin’ down the highway and shit, and all Laely be sayin’ is “That’s nice.” and “Alright.” and all this supple-ass feminine responsiveness rhetoric. And I be like: this is one supple-ass bitch! She be lettin’ me back inside she panties real soon!
Then Laely stop walking.
“Let’s go, bitch, I’m gettin’ me exercise!”
“Do you see where we are?”
“Where is we?”
She motions toward the dormitory building. It be Baxter.
“Why is we here? Does you need to go upstairs and change panties?”
“I want you to come up.”
I look in that bitch’s face. She be sincere.
“If I be comin’ up, I be lickin’ your titties and shit.”
“No, you won’t lick my titties without my permission.”
“Oh. The training.”
“Right. So do you want to or not?”
“Oh I wants to. Just let me tie up Seymour.”
“Bring him.” She hands me the leash.
“Bring him upstairs?”
“He has to chaperone.”
“Alrights.” I trot that dog up them stairs behind Laely, lookin’ at Laely’ fine ass, and I be thinkin’ Seymour can chaperone all he wants, I still be taggin’ that bitch if that bitch lets me.
It be good to be back in Laely’s room. She got Indian fabrics on the walls and it be nothin’ but herbal teas in her micro-fridge.
“Laely, you be one stylish bitch.”
“Stop trying to butter me up.”
She sit on her bed. I take the desk chair.
Seymour sits between us.
“Why didn’t you be havin’ sex with those Sunday school goons that you be friends with back in the day?”
“What are you talking about?”
“This motherfucker that came to my room and beat me up, he said he used to go to Sunday school with you, and he ain’t never got to have sex with you. So why’s didn’ts you have sex with that motherfucker?”
“Probably because I was too young?”
“Why, how young was you when you firsts had sex?”
“None of your business. Next question.”
“Do you wants to know how young I was when I first had sex?”
“I was’s eleven. I fucked this girl Tanya from my class. I couldn’t even cum, I was so young, but I fucked that bitch anyways.”
“I’m assuming she didn’t cum either.”
“Man, I don’t know if that bitch’s came. We was kinda in a hurry. But I tagged that bitch.”
“Where were you?”
“At school. In the library. We were in this little closet off the library and that bitch took off all her clothes. A bunch of us fucked her.”
“You sure you is ok with him bein’ up here?”
“No, I want him up here,” she says.
“He comfort you?”
Laely nod. And I see what I think is fear in that bitch. She look down at she lap and hold her fingers together. Her feet is pointed inward at each other.
“You ain’t gotta be scared of me.”
“I mean I ain’t gonna do nothin’.”
“Good. I don’t think I could take it.” She looks away.
“Is you sure you don’t wants that back rub?”
She looks back at me. She ready to cry. “Maybe later,” she say.
And I see that girl as fragile, as something that could be broke. And maybe I shouldn’t’a treated that bitch that way, robbin’ she pussy and shit.
“Laely, I’m sorry—”
“No, I is sorry I stole your vodka.”
“You stole my vodka?”
“I hadn’t noticed.” She looks at the spot where she keeps it. “You stole my vodka? What a shitty thing to do. Did you steal anything else?”
“I know about that.”
“I did look around you room a bit.”
“Yeah? Did you find anything earth shattering?”
“I did have one question.”
“Why does you need pumpkin spice-flavored yeast infection cream? Does you get yeast infections a lot?”
“It’s just something that happens. Geez, you’ve never had a girlfriend, have you? They itch.”
“But why does you need pumpkin spice flavor?”
“Because I like pumpkin spice.”
“But does you eat it? Or is you gettin’ it so that if a guy eats you out while you is usin’ it he gets a nice pumpkin spice-flavored puss?”
“Neither. I don’t eat it. And I don’t care what flavor a guy gets when he’s eating me out. I just like pumpkin spice. Have you ever eaten a girl out?”
“Sure, lots of times.”
“Don’t lie. We’re being honest with each other right now.”
“Has I ever eaten a girl out.”
I looks at that bitch. She wants me to spill my guts and shit.
“I’s eaten bitches out before, yeah.”
“How many times?”
“Me lost count.”
“Do you like eating girls out?”
“Yeah, I fucking loves it.”
“Look, you can just go if you’re going to be like that. I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you.”
“Ok, no, I hates it. Bitches be tastin’ nasty. The first bitch I eats out taste like a fish factory. Fuck! Can’t bitches be cleanin’ theyselves?”
“Did you smell my pussy when you fucked me?”
“I’on’t wanna be talkin’ about that time we fucked you.”
“Why not? Does it bother you to think about? Did my pussy smell when you fucked me?”
“No. Your pussy smelled fine.”
“Well there you go. You’re hanging with the wrong bitches.”
“If I had a bitch like you—”
“Do you want to eat my pussy?”
“Yes, as a lesson. Do you wanna learn how to eat pussy?”
“Man, I know how to eat pussy.”
“Do you want to learn how to eat mine?”
“Take your clothes off.”
“Is you serious?”
“Just get down to your boxers, you can’t eat pussy while you’re fully dressed.”
“Is you gettin’ undressed?”
Laely answer by takin’ her shirt off. She havin’ this sweet crisscross bra on underneath. It be lookin’ fine.
My dick start gettin’ hard.
Seymour move toward the bed. Me pull him back.
“L-o-l,” Laely say. “Does Seymour want to play?”
“Seymour, stay back. You ain’t be playin’ with Laely.”
Laely start taking off her pants. She be havin’ them sweet sixteen-lookin’ panties on and my dick get really hard.
I start undressin’. I put my gun on Laely’ desk and take off my shorts and my shirt and leave my shoes by the base of the chair.
Laely spread her legs and I get on the bed with her.
“Put your head between my legs.”
“Is you gonna take your panties off?”
“Let’s start like this.” She push my head down between her legs and I’s starin’ at Laely’ crotch.
“You want me to eat your pussy with your panties on?”
“Just start by licking me.”
I looks up at Laely. She lookin’ down at me all caring, like Mother Theresa. I stick my tongue out and tongue her pussy through her panties. It leave a wet mark and she feel warm to me through the cloth.
“How does that smell to you?”
“It smell good.”
“Lick me some more.”
So I licks that bitch some more. I wasn’t thinkin’ nothin’ about it but then that bitch started moaning and makin’ all sorts of sounds and I be thinkin’ I be doin’ a good job on this bitch’s cunt.
“Laely, take your panties off. I want to fuck you.”
“You want to fuck?” she whispers.
My dick is hard against the bed.
“I want to fucks you right this time. I want to make up for the other day.”
“You promise to fuck me right?”
“I promise, bitch.”
“You promise to be a good boy?”
“I be a great boy if you just lets me inside of you again.”
“You like my pussy?”
“I loves it.”
“You want me?”
“I wants you, Laely. I wants you real bad.”
“I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“It’s a good idea, it’s a great idea, we be happy together.”
“Do you have protection?”
“Do I has what?”
“Did you bring a condom?”
“No. Can we’s do it natural style?”
“Wait a minute, I have one,” she says, and she gets out of bed. That bitch has a wet spot the size of Missouri on her panties and I can tell that bitch wants me.
She goes to the desk.
She picks up the gun.
“Get on the floor,” she says.
“Get. On. The. Floor.”
She has that Glock pointed straight at me.
“What the fuck this be?”
“The continuation of your training.”
“What the fuck?”
“Take off your boxers.”
“Laely, you be losin’ it.”
“If you don’t take off your boxers now I’ll shoot you in self defense, no one will raise an eyebrow in your case.”
So I takes off my boxers.
“Now lie down. Face down. Come here Seymour.”
I lies down on that bitch’s floor in nothin’ but me socks. My dick start to be gettin’ soft on that cold floor.
Then Laely be goin’ for her desk drawer. I can’t see what she doin’ but I hear what sound like a roll of tape bein’ extended. Then she tapin’ on my butt cheeks.
“What you doin’, Laely?”
She spreadin’ me butt cheeks and tapin’ them wide! I can feel that air seepin’ into me asshole, and I be thinkin’ she about to do some examinin’ down there!
“Ok, Seymour. Do your thing.”
I see she kick me dog.
“Go ahead, Seymour. Get busy.”
I start to get up but feel the barrel of my Glock press into me head.
“It’s ok boy, you know what to do.”
Laely pats my ass.
Then, to me horror, Seymour walk around out of me sight and I can feel he’s paws on my legs. Then I feel he’s paws on my back!
“Good boy. Good boy!” Laely laughs.
Then Seymour’s dick is on me butt! I can feel that dog rootin’ around between me ass cheeks and his hot balls rubbin’ against me ass. And then his dick goes in! That flaming dog dick with its evil protrusion, that way that a dog dick juts out from itself to get longer—and he’s fucking! Me own dog! I feel him humping me into the ground and Laely pressin’ that gun into my face and laughing. And the dog dick must be lubricating his self because he’s going in further and further! I can feel him all the way inside me. And Seymour be barkin’ and droolin’ on me back and then he thrust inside me one final time and I feel his hot cum shoot inside me and then Seymour give out a whimper.
“Now get out.”
Laely throw the dog off me and I can feel his dick bein’ ripped out of my ass.
Laely kick my side.
I kneel, then stand, and my asshole is burning.
Laely has the gun in my face, her arms straight.
“Don’t fuck bitches without they permission. Don’t. Fuck. Bitches. Without. They. Permission.” She adjusts the gun. “And by the way. The fountain is mine from now on.”
I stand speechless.
She gestures toward the door with my gun.
I go to the door. She moves with me, forcing me out. I open the door and stand, in just my socks, in the dormitory hallway.
Laely closes the door. I hear it click.
I’m looking at all the doors, hoping no one comes out.
“I need my clothes!”
“What about Seymour?”
“I’m keeping the dog!”
So I cover my dick and limp down the hallway, thinking about how I’m going to get all the way across campus with no clothes. Seymour’s cum is dripping out my ass and I have Laely’s words running through my head. “Don’t fuck bitches without they permission.”
And whats can I say? That bitch be right!