Dream I can’t walk

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My knees are pressed together, my legs are failing.  I’m going up a hill, and there’s icy slush on it.  And there are trucks behind me, looming.  One washes me in a torrent of slush and I’m soaked.  I’m walking with a cane; my legs won’t move the way I want them to!

Can’t walk dreams reflect feelings of powerlessness in waking life to reach a goal or keep up with others. If not immediately obvious, look to the location and the key people in the dream for clues as to the waking life issue. Where in waking life are you feeling frustrated in getting where you want to go? Being unable to walk due to injury or incapacity reflect feelings of being hurt or unsupported respectively in waking life.

Two dreams

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1. I was on a horse, and someone asked me if my horse was wild.  I didn’t know how to answer.  They said: “If she was your daughter..” and I finished the sentence with “..I’d be worried.”  My horse was wild.

2. I went to work at a company, and I was a key player, some kind of high-level manager/technical worker.  It was a computer company.  And even though I was dressed outlandishly and acting completely un-businesslike, I was good at what I did and I was being shown around by one of the top administrative assistants, being shown the secret rooms and the keys to the kingdom, and in one of these rooms was a musical-type atmosphere where people were painting pictures of what they wanted the most and singing a communal song about stars (“~to be a *star*~”).

Dream that my room was tilted

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I just woke from a dream of a communal area, where people were mourning, planning, healing—doing the business of life—it was a mini-psych-ward type location where your goal was to get out as soon as possible.

And to the side, was my childhood bedroom, from Philadelphia (the one I always dream of).  It was tilted, as on a gimbal, so as to require that objects on its floor be nailed down, or stopped by way of resting on nails that they did not slide to one of the edges of the room, and possibly out the door into the communal area.  The bookshelves in this tilted room were similarly precarious.  The windows lacked counterbalances, and had to be propped open with sticks, fragments of dowels from the closet, to remain open.  There should have been bees coming at me from the windows—there had been a bees nest outside the window where bees came into the room (as was the case in waking life in this particular childhood bedroom)—but there weren’t any bees.  Every time I looked to be stung, there was no bee to sting me, just an open window with coolish air to fill my hot, hot room.  I was arranging my things, on the tilted floor, and wondering why no one would come in to my room, and expecting that someone would in a moment.

I take this to mean that I can’t participate in the communal parts of life (business, family) when my self-image is so precarious as to allow nothing stable to rest within it.  That my self/house is such that nothing can be placed there and stay—that nothing can be built upon it.  And that before I can build upon it, I will have to untilt the room (maybe see myself as valuable or loveable or capable).  Or maybe untilting it means somehow getting my mental health right, so that I have a stable base from which to operate.  The bees mean I have no enemies: that where I fear or perceive a threat to my existence, there is none—no one is trying to hurt me.

I will say this: I was happy with the possessions in this room: it was filled with books and papers and music and a comfortable couch, and everything I took out to arrange, I loved.

“Oh, no!”

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Dream that a little creature and his wheelchair-bound partner went to the store and upon leaving, got separated. The little creature waited in front of the store for his partner to return. When it started getting dark and the partner wasn’t there, the creature held his head low and moaned “Oh, no! Oh, no!”. Then he headed home, alone, and searched the face of everyone who passed, for his partner, but didn’t find her, and he wailed again, “Oh, no! Oh, no!”.

Great dream last night

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A twist on the driving dream.  You know they say when there’s a car in your dream that it represents what you control.  If you’re driving, you’re in control.  If someone else is driving, you’re not in control.  Well last night I had a dream that the vehicle (a van) was driving itself, and I was in the back compartment, reading.  The car was successfully and safely avoiding obstacles and getting us where we wanted to go.

I take this to mean that I don’t need to be in control, and my life will unfold well anyway.

Dream I’m on vacation

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to this little town I’ve always liked, and while I’m there I rent this temporary warehouse space (the one from this previous dream) to stay in.  And there’s this Christian camp that I accidentally take a bus to, and walk out of, to go back to the town center, which I love.  And my legs stop being in slow-motion and my knees stop being impaired (as has been a theme recently) and I’m able to walk normally.  And an old friend offers me drugs but I decline, because I’m really done with it.  And I realize that I don’t have to buy a plane ticket home, to any of the home towns I lived before (and where things are less desirable than in this town I’m vacationing in)..I can just not buy at ticket home at all, and make this town my home, and instead of buying a ticket I can find a job to pay the rent, and make my temporary warehouse my home—that the problem of finding which home to go home to is solved, because I don’t have to do it—I can stay right here.  (It was an issue of paying two rents, basically: once I decided I could leave behind the old homes (purchase of ticket home, payment of other rents), it became easily possible for me to stay in my vacation town.  That the degree to which I stop being there/then is the degree to which I can be here/now.)

The same dream

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I had it again:

It’s the last day of school, and I’m gathering my things, trying to decide what to leave and what to take with me.  And I’m also trying to figure out whether I’m done with school..or not.  I want to know when my last day of school will be (ever), and I think it’s today.  I can’t tell whether I’ve graduated or not, but I want this to be my last day of school.  Or, sometimes there are a few days of school left but there’s nothing much going on in them and I’m deciding, myself, that this will be the last day of school for me.  Last night I was riding the subway, and then (mostly) a bicycle away from school, to go home.  My friends are with me, always friends from high school, and we’re having fun and getting along and I’m graduating either on the same day as everyone else or sometimes sooner.

What does this dream mean?  Will I figure it out through analysis, or does something need to happen in my life before the dream goes away, before I’m onto the next phase or next paradigm in my subconscious, in my life?  I used to have dog dreams, dogs-biting-me dreams, and they went away eventually, when I dealt more with my addiction and also back-stabbing friends/family.  I think this graduation dream is similar in that it will go away when I address whatever it is that the dream is pointing to.  I just don’t know what that is.  This symbol of graduation is showing up in my writing as well: my recent novella is about siblings who visit each other around the time of the central character’s graduation.  In this fiction and in my dreams there is a feeling of freedom around graduation (even though in the novella the character is trapped after graduation..in my dreams I feel I will be more open and freer and light after graduation—less trapped).

Also in my dreams lately there is a problem with my knees or legs.  This has been a recurring symbol, too.  There is something wrong with my legs that makes it hard to stand, walk, or ride my bicycle.  I don’t know what this one means, either, but when I have recurring dreams, I think they mean something.

Update (1 February 2012): The same dream

Update (2 February 2012): The same dream—gathering/paring down things and not sure where to go, thrown out by parents

Update (4 February 2012): Similar dream—being kicked out of childhood home and had two days to get my things down to what I could carry

Update (10 February 2012): Similar dream—tomorrow is the very last day of school, ever, and I have to stop the rush of life and focus so I can get tomorrow right—or I have to stop the world/room from spinning so I can do what I need to do today (eat), even though tomorrow is such a big day, I need to slow down and focus on today

Update (6 March 2012): The same dream—I wonder if I should go about this the other way: instead of trying to fix whatever in my waking life is causing this dream, decide to change my actions in the dream (make it my last day of school, forever, and not go back) and then maybe whatever this is linked to in my waking life, will change

Update (4 April 2012): A similar dream—but I feel this may be the last, or a turning point at least.  It strikes me that perhaps this dream is about Things Said in Dreams, which is a book taking place in a high school.  And that perhaps this dream will go away when Things Said in Dreams gets published, or I am otherwise done with it..a dream about being done with high school, maybe about being done with this high school book I wrote. (???)

Update (5 April 2012): A new dream—I dreamt tonight that high school was over, that I went back after it was over and I had graduated, and I rode a BMW gas-powered bicycle/motorcycle around the school in first and second gear.  Before that I had been in a BMW car (which transformed into the bike)..but the car was sitting in front of a house, and I was in the back seat, and my dad was in the front passenger seat.  And it began to rain, and rain harder, and then rain a torrent, and I climbed from the back seat into the driver’s seat and rolled up the window.  Then it was just me, riding the bicycle, back in school, but for a visit, not as a student, and my friends from high school were still in the classroom and I rode by in the hallway.  And I overheard one of my old friends talking shit about me and my sister, and she saw that I heard her, and I paused my motorcycle outside the classroom and I said: {Don’t worry about it, not everyone likes everyone else, it’s no big deal {Name of person who was shit-talking}}.  I was magnanimous.  And I can’t help but notice the coincidence of waking life events to these last two dreams: on the day before yesterday’s dream, I received notice that a publisher wants to publish Things Said in Dreams.  Yesterday, I reviewed a publishing contract for that book with that publisher.  I think these dreams have been about either that book specifically, in its high school setting, or about publishing in general, about reaching that threshold and crossing it, which, like graduation, is a one-way trip.  I think that’s what these dreams have been about.

Update (12 April 2012): It’s transformed.  Now it’s the same characters, that old high school crew, though somewhat expanded with people from later times in life, but we’re not in pre-graduation limbo.  We’re in different places.  We’re in planes, we’re in movies, we’re in post-graduation parties.  I’m glad this dream has changed.