The same dream

I had it again:

It’s the last day of school, and I’m gathering my things, trying to decide what to leave and what to take with me.  And I’m also trying to figure out whether I’m done with school..or not.  I want to know when my last day of school will be (ever), and I think it’s today.  I can’t tell whether I’ve graduated or not, but I want this to be my last day of school.  Or, sometimes there are a few days of school left but there’s nothing much going on in them and I’m deciding, myself, that this will be the last day of school for me.  Last night I was riding the subway, and then (mostly) a bicycle away from school, to go home.  My friends are with me, always friends from high school, and we’re having fun and getting along and I’m graduating either on the same day as everyone else or sometimes sooner.

What does this dream mean?  Will I figure it out through analysis, or does something need to happen in my life before the dream goes away, before I’m onto the next phase or next paradigm in my subconscious, in my life?  I used to have dog dreams, dogs-biting-me dreams, and they went away eventually, when I dealt more with my addiction and also back-stabbing friends/family.  I think this graduation dream is similar in that it will go away when I address whatever it is that the dream is pointing to.  I just don’t know what that is.  This symbol of graduation is showing up in my writing as well: my recent novella is about siblings who visit each other around the time of the central character’s graduation.  In this fiction and in my dreams there is a feeling of freedom around graduation (even though in the novella the character is trapped after graduation..in my dreams I feel I will be more open and freer and light after graduation—less trapped).

Also in my dreams lately there is a problem with my knees or legs.  This has been a recurring symbol, too.  There is something wrong with my legs that makes it hard to stand, walk, or ride my bicycle.  I don’t know what this one means, either, but when I have recurring dreams, I think they mean something.

Update (1 February 2012): The same dream

Update (2 February 2012): The same dream—gathering/paring down things and not sure where to go, thrown out by parents

Update (4 February 2012): Similar dream—being kicked out of childhood home and had two days to get my things down to what I could carry

Update (10 February 2012): Similar dream—tomorrow is the very last day of school, ever, and I have to stop the rush of life and focus so I can get tomorrow right—or I have to stop the world/room from spinning so I can do what I need to do today (eat), even though tomorrow is such a big day, I need to slow down and focus on today

Update (6 March 2012): The same dream—I wonder if I should go about this the other way: instead of trying to fix whatever in my waking life is causing this dream, decide to change my actions in the dream (make it my last day of school, forever, and not go back) and then maybe whatever this is linked to in my waking life, will change

Update (4 April 2012): A similar dream—but I feel this may be the last, or a turning point at least.  It strikes me that perhaps this dream is about Things Said in Dreams, which is a book taking place in a high school.  And that perhaps this dream will go away when Things Said in Dreams gets published, or I am otherwise done with it..a dream about being done with high school, maybe about being done with this high school book I wrote. (???)

Update (5 April 2012): A new dream—I dreamt tonight that high school was over, that I went back after it was over and I had graduated, and I rode a BMW gas-powered bicycle/motorcycle around the school in first and second gear.  Before that I had been in a BMW car (which transformed into the bike)..but the car was sitting in front of a house, and I was in the back seat, and my dad was in the front passenger seat.  And it began to rain, and rain harder, and then rain a torrent, and I climbed from the back seat into the driver’s seat and rolled up the window.  Then it was just me, riding the bicycle, back in school, but for a visit, not as a student, and my friends from high school were still in the classroom and I rode by in the hallway.  And I overheard one of my old friends talking shit about me and my sister, and she saw that I heard her, and I paused my motorcycle outside the classroom and I said: {Don’t worry about it, not everyone likes everyone else, it’s no big deal {Name of person who was shit-talking}}.  I was magnanimous.  And I can’t help but notice the coincidence of waking life events to these last two dreams: on the day before yesterday’s dream, I received notice that a publisher wants to publish Things Said in Dreams.  Yesterday, I reviewed a publishing contract for that book with that publisher.  I think these dreams have been about either that book specifically, in its high school setting, or about publishing in general, about reaching that threshold and crossing it, which, like graduation, is a one-way trip.  I think that’s what these dreams have been about.

Update (12 April 2012): It’s transformed.  Now it’s the same characters, that old high school crew, though somewhat expanded with people from later times in life, but we’re not in pre-graduation limbo.  We’re in different places.  We’re in planes, we’re in movies, we’re in post-graduation parties.  I’m glad this dream has changed.

Dream of the last day of school

Of cleaning out my locker before the day started, and spending homeroom getting rid of things I didn’t need anymore, legos, pocket change, little magnets and school supplies.  And not many people were left in class—four or five had made it that far, and the rest of the chairs were empty.  We waited for the last class to begin, which was a math class, and I calmly went about the business of lightening my load, putting things in trash cans, donating my old supplies to the classroom and future students.

I think this dream is about letting go of relationships, behaviors, and projects, that are a part of old me’s, that would get in the way of my growth.  I think I’m doing that in waking life—getting ready to become who I am, as Coelho says, leaving behind who I was—carrying what is needed now, and nothing else.

Dreams of graduation

And a lucid dream of flying.  And dreams of fighting with, and caring for the injuries of, my father.

In this dream, I was preparing for a graduation..it was about to happen.  There was a field of old things (mostly Legos) from my room, which I was going through, and they were cleared so that the graduation could take place on that very spot.

Graduation is one of my most prominent recurring dream symbols.  I’ve often wondered what it means to me, in my dreams.  Here are some textbook suggestions.

To dream that you are at a graduation represents your achievements.  You are successfully transitioning to a higher level.  And you are ready to move forward with your accomplishments and perform more important things.

Completion or ending; Accomplishment or achievement; Official approval or permission, or feeling qualified to do or be a certain thing in your life; Having a complete knowledge or understanding of a certain topic or area, or of yourself or part of your life; Completion of an inner process, project, or anything that has a natural cycle with an ending; Completion of a life phase or transition—such as childhood or young adulthood

Success completion and acknowledgement.  Woohoo!  No[more] books, classes or teachers.  To dream of graduation indicates that it may be time to do things for yourself.  You’re no longer the apprentice or student, you are now graduating to become the master yourself.  Graduation is a fantastic dream symbol implying expansion of awareness prompting the dreamer to acknowledge the fact that they are moving beyond the immediate challenge or task.

When you’re graduating in a dream, whether it be a past graduation, or an upcoming one, it symbolizes a change and a growth you feel.  Graduating is about a time in your life where you leave behind the old and confront the new.  You’re becoming more mature and you’re heading towards new things within your life.  New doors are about to be open and a change is about to come.  Graduation also means a wanting to move on within your life.  If you’re stuck in the past, and you need to progress forward, your mind is telling itself that it’s time to grow up and make life changing decisions.  The best thing to do is to embrace this new change and allow it to take you in.  Just remember that when one door closes, a new one opens.

Dream of school

Of one final assembly in the days before graduation.  Sitting outside, on chairs and in swings, in summer weather.  And some sort of speaker, talking to us of his experience.  At first we thought he was dorky, but then we came around, and he had something useful to say to us.  And we laughed, and we swung high, and the swings got tangled, and we untangled them.  And at the end of the assembly, or some break in it, we stood around talking, and it was the students from my old 8th grade graduation, and from my first high school, Masterman, in Philadelphia, and in turn, we talked about what we were going to do that summer, and why we were happy to graduate.  And I felt a great nostalgia for my classmates and for school, but also happiness that we were graduating, that we would be free, that it would be summer time, and we would be open and empty and able to do whatever we wanted.

I want to live in my dreams, because in my dreams I’m without resentment.  I want to live in my dreams, because in my dreams there is possibility.  I want to live in my dreams, because in dreams my world is weightless and open and light and I am never hungry or worried or bowed down in the seeming complexities of waking, adult life.  In dreams I am logistically a child, and I like how that feels, being able to focus on emotion, fear, nostalgia, elation—without worrying about where I’m going to live or how I’m going to support myself.  I like school for those reasons, the school of my childhood, because I didn’t think too much about what I was going to eat or what I was going to wear, and I thought about my friends, and what we were learning.  And I liked the even-playing-field nature of school with respect to money—because in real life, I don’t have a lot of money and never have, and in real life, I’m smart and always have been.  So for me, school was great, because I could succeed with my brain, and without money or politicking—things that adult life is packed with—even jobs, where it really should be about what you know and what you can do—jobs are packed with politicking, who can speak the fastest or the most, even when what they are saying is bullshit, and who knows who in and out of the office—and even who wears what.  I liked it better when we were taking tests, and doing science fairs..where everyone in the fair had the same amount of space allotted to present their project, and so the project mattered more.  In adult life, the same amount of space is not allotted for each presenter, and so the project matters less.  That’s not a type of world I do well in, and I find this world hostile and I find myself lonely within it.

I learned recently of a suicide, and while we chalk it up to “depression” and wash our hands of it, I find that it’s some of our best people who kill themselves, and I feel that that is partially biological, yes, but also partly because of the way the world is..because there isn’t room for odd people and sensitive people and beautiful people.  I think that we need cures for biological depression, but I also think that it is all of our responsibility to make the world less hostile, and make more room for everybody, psychologically, economically, academically, socially.  It is all of our responsibility to do this, so that the world (and life) can be great for all of us, not just some of us.

Dreams of school in summer, right before graduation,

which is how I often dream of it.  With people in their final throes of preparation for leaving.  And this time with a couple others in mourning, whose mourning I did not share, but who I comforted: an older version of L.K., who in mourning wore pajamas to class and admitted she was “pushing the limit of formality”, with an oversized shirt, untucked, and everything else comfortable—to help with the mourning process.  And another girl, a black girl, patterned after two of my crushes from two different waking-life high schools, who was crying, who I hugged, and who then cried more, for being touched.  Those two women showed their sadness, and we all filled our seats, and went through the formality of one of our last classes.

And today I’m tying myself to my dreams, to my imagination, to these images of summer, school, of dreams where I can’t walk because I’m recovering from having portions of my calves removed, muscles gone and scars on the skin—images of being injured and being in recovery, trying myself to these images of graduation, and of the simpler mentality of youth.  It doesn’t matter, to some extent, what is [actually] going on in one’s life; the filters we put on things are so complete that reality is hardly shared, even among people in the same room.  I’m going deeper into my dreams because that’s where I like to be.

Dream I was moving to a new room,

packing my things, making trips to my car, clearing my pictures from the wall.  My roommate was sad and confused as to why I was leaving—and I would miss my roommate, too—but I was moving on, ready to leave the past/present behind.  This new room, where I would live by myself, would be better for me..I was going to be able to better become myself in this new place, to better expand as myself.  It was a good thing, and I was excited.

Moving – As a dream symbol, moving can indicate moving up in life or in your own state of consciousness. It can also suggest changes in your life, especially if you are moving out and into a new house.
(http://www.dream-dictionary.org/interpretation/dream_dictionary_m.html)

with moving, we have another obstacle dream, in as much as, if the move goes smoothly and is completed in normal time then you will overcome your barriers and sail through to what you desire.
(http://www.sleeps.com/dictionary/mmm.html)

Dreaming of moving out of your home means that changes in your personal life are inevitable. It can be connected with changing you habits, attitude towards the life, or present situation.
(http://www.experiencefestival.com/dream_dictionary_moving

Dream that school was out. Not just for me, but for everyone. And I never, ever had to go back there again.

Specifically, school had been out for me, and I had already graduated, so I was already done with it. But in this dream it was the last day of school for the other classes, so me and my classmates who were post-seniors were standing in the hallway and celebrating with the others, and they were walking out into the sunlight, and we were following up behind them. And I never, ever had to go back there again. Not in a hateful way, but in an I’m-really-done-with-this way. It was loving, and wonderful, and through.