A note to a friend
Yes, there’s no way I was going to leave Twitter without being able to contact you — I’m glad you wrote =)
That’s great you’re working on a book! I just checked out storylabs.co — great name! I like .co. I registered clownfysh.co thinking waaay ahead to someday five years from now when I stop using Medium for blogging and the next version of clownfysh.com comes around as the .co.
I am ok. Doing better psychologically than I have been. In a lot of pain physically, though. I’ve been controlling what I watch..like you, probably, my imagination is on overdrive in line with being a writer and one video about underworld conspiracy or the end of the world can send my mind spinning. But I do watch some of that stuff, in a controlled way, because it inspires my writing sometimes.
Right now I’m on a break from writing. Haven’t written in about a month? And planning on taking the rest of September off. Then for the last three months of the year, I am slowly making notes on a couple books I want to do next, and I might do one, or maybe two, of them—one in October, take a break in November, write in December. Something like that.
I feel satisfied sometimes. I feel really dissatisfied sometimes. This year I stopped contacting my sisters and finally my dad basically because when I’m in relationship with them I feel bad! And I don’t want to feel bad! I’ll leave out the details but once I started going to therapy (and I had already cut contact with them before that) I started realizing, through this therapist’s point of view, how truly shitty those three people were treating me. Smh!! Stuff I hadn’t even thought of he was like, well she’s manipulating you into confronting her husband about stuff that she should be talking to him about..and I’m like..god damn you’re right. And my therapist “gave me permission” not to feel bad about not talking to them, given the circumstances. I mean, things I think are crazy — and that, say, a therapist or other psychiatric support person thinks are crazy — my family does not think are crazy!
And I don’t want to cut off my little sisters—that’s harsh! — but I want to grow to the next level of me and I think I’m ready to do that, and it’s near impossible with so many people in my family sabotaging me. They want to — excuse the judgment, but — live at the lower level! I want to go to therapy, tell my secrets, stop lying to myself, and grow! Fuck!!! So I’m struggling with growing on the one hand and leaving behind people I love on the other hand. My mother thinks I can maintain relationships with them and grow at the same time. Maybe that’s possible, but I’m not sure it’s possible for me.
Regina Spektor has that song on What We Saw from the Cheap Seats: “Small Town Moon.” And the lyric I love is, “How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?”
That’s me right now.