This breakdown has been coming for a while

The breakdown of this fall, which has seen a compounding of my usual patterns of mini-breakdown, resulting finally in multiple back-to-back psychiatric and other types of hospitalizations..has been a long time coming.

When I think about it (and I did tonight), this has been trying to happen for a while, and I’ve just been holding it at bay.  For periods of years, sometimes, I’ve held it, but it sneaks back, and when I don’t have an all-consuming job to distract me from my own mind, my psychology surfaces, and it is problematic.

What happened this fall is just what’s been meaning to happen for a long time, and I can’t view those mini-breakdowns and that one late-twenties psych hospitalization as isolated, anymore.  I’ve been largely failing—with some years-long periods of success, but largely failing—at job, at girlfriend, at life.  This is not an invitation for ex-girlfriends to say “I told you so” (no need), but it is a realization on my part that I’ve been a mess all the way through, not just at times.  (And I’ve been functioning, and well, in certain ways, all the way through, too.)  But the parts that didn’t work, weren’t little independent mishaps.  They were part of a larger falling-apart that I’ve been doing, really, all along.

And yet, I like my medicine (A lack of terror)

I have this behavior that I do, that I used to do especially, where I delete my Facebook account, my twitter, and move to a new one—or change my phone number.  I’ve probably changed my number more times than LiLo.  I consider those the same behavior, and in some ways, they’re the same behavior as packing up and moving across the country, which I’ve done, again, and again, and again.

I don’t think I would do that on this medicine.  I can tell from the way I feel after I write a tweet.  It’s subtle, but there, some type of non-panic feeling, some type of I’m-ok feeling which, if it were there in general, I don’t think I would change my number or delete my twitter..maybe: ever.  And that feeling is starting to be there, some, here and there.  I hope it lasts, because it’s actually really nice.

Dream of the last day of school

Of cleaning out my locker before the day started, and spending homeroom getting rid of things I didn’t need anymore, legos, pocket change, little magnets and school supplies.  And not many people were left in class—four or five had made it that far, and the rest of the chairs were empty.  We waited for the last class to begin, which was a math class, and I calmly went about the business of lightening my load, putting things in trash cans, donating my old supplies to the classroom and future students.

I think this dream is about letting go of relationships, behaviors, and projects, that are a part of old me’s, that would get in the way of my growth.  I think I’m doing that in waking life—getting ready to become who I am, as Coelho says, leaving behind who I was—carrying what is needed now, and nothing else.

Dream of a psych ward

I was inside, in the same hospital but a new room.  I couldn’t leave the ward.  And outside, through screened windows, was a choppy ocean.  And I pressed my face against the screens and watched the waves.

There was also a chess board, with pieces only for one side.

I take this to mean that beyond the hospital, and beyond my diagnosis, and beyond my current situation, is an uncertain and endless world that I’m trying to get to.

I don’t know what the chessboard means.  That I’m not playing the game?  That it’s not possible to play, or that I cannot allow myself to play, the game?  That there’s no opponent?  I don’t know.

(And come to think of it: there were enough normal pieces to completely fill out one side, and then there were weirdly-shaped (more animalistic), larger pieces, in a box, from which a complete side could not be made.  And I was on the side of the board that could not be normally formed.  And there were players looking for games, players who took the normal side, but I couldn’t play with them because of my animal pieces, so there were no games taking place at all.)

Notes on ::HARD

notes for the book

– ..and smoothes her hair..should it be his? :: Or change it earlier..probably the former

– Chad and him went to school together..but chads family .. For the funeral..did they come from far away..maybe change this last

– ..any place, any time, any way..Add another any in there..?

– reconsider putting Jules’ necklace under the round table in the clean-out catalogue

– he takes the computer from home into the car..then later all he takes from the car is his iPod .. work this out – just make it an iPad, throughout

Make sure that’s the version of the Nietzsche quote you want to use

when he says he and Ash have been split for a long time..is that a little too much of a lie?  maybe he doesn’t stretch it quite that far?

?

have Liz, the lizard girl, say something about the bags..Mick would spot them, not want the bags to go in, Liz knows what’s in them, oks it

too much rain?

?

include the event of him getting beat up by black guys, as a precursor to the Third Street corner? (at the very very beginning, like 1st or second section, early-Liz era)

“Ashley and I went to different high schools” << yes, obviously, if she’s from Florida? Rephrase this?

maybe sometime later, like in the catalogue of what’s under the round table, mention Jules’ necklace again, to reprise it, since it’s such a good object

or even build up the symbols by using them, specifically, later?

or just keep it a one-half [implied] structure/analogy, as it currently is

..I think a half-point reprise later (refer to necklace, don’t need to redescribe) might balance it without being overextended

“I’ve known her since we were kids” >> qc like {She went to Stivers.}

“play that file, again” >> the non-literal, but in other ways proper, {tape} might be more appropriate here (and was in the first draft)..might change this but it’s a tough one with anachnosim versus literal

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?

“codewords for everything. Blacklight bowling means we sit in Gao’s Eclipse and he bumps crystal meth. He heats it in these little”

..not sure I want to do this..it weakens the sentence considerably

this :: http://nerdinlove.tumblr.com/post/4447578111 :: to chingy holiday in :: Brooklyn :: make this epic :: like in the second pass, make even the secondary characters fully-drawn :: every character, they should be able to see, feel, get a handle/glipse on/of their whole life and distinct motivation :: take your time

enforce and enhance the punctuation-follows-character trends..each character has their own punctuation that is prevalent when that character, or that mood, or that effect, is in place

lowercase a bunch of these cheesehead proper nouns..to disrespect them..like python..fuck proper nouns and acronyms

where is his Mom?  was she still in Dayton?  that’s a question that pops out as I write this..address it

need to understand why, more, Jules won’t leave Dayton

..play that out more..not only won’t she go with him, but because of that, she’s holding him back.

..right..it’s that Jules goes into the vortex..and he comes out (in certain ways)..so her being stuck in Dayton is a good thing..for her theatre..for her job..even though she hates it and there’s better theatre in NYC..idk..somehow even though she saves him and causes him to leave..I want her stuck there..

..

Jules’s theatre underused?  I was going to play it up at that location, in my original plan..